Good News Week

Bikies (GNW 23/11/09: 12 Months in 7 Seconds)

It’s been a tough year for the poor old bikies.   One moment of alleged unpleasantness at Sydney Airport, and suddenly it’s assumed they’re all violent, vengeful thugs.   Whereas they insist they’re simply violent, vengeful citizens.

Bikies insist that they are not the problem.   There are just too many bollards around.   (And who can resist that sort of temptation?)

Laws have been passed and government campaigns waged to crack down on the bikie menace.   It’s one way of cutting carbon emissions that they have no difficulty getting support for.

But bikies are just people too.   People with weapons, drugs, and violent feuds over turf.   But people!

They’re just ordinary people like you and I, who just love the feel of the wind in their hair, the purring of a big motorbike beneath them, the open road ahead, and the satisfying crunch of skull beneath metal bollard.

After all, if you take away the guns, knives, amphetamines, knuckle-dusters, dope, smack, gang mentality, and propensity for fatal beatings, they’re really just big softies.

Look at ‘em!   Big jolly bellies and beards – they’re just like Santa!   It’s just that, instead of presents, their elves are hard at work making them crystal meth.

The bikies say they are being bashed by the media.   But at least it’s not with a metal bollard.

We shouldn’t demonise the poor bikers.   It’s not them – it’s all that crystal meth.   (See – really, they’re the victims!)

It’s not really the bikies we object to.   It’s the stabbies, bashies, shooties and crushie-with-a-bollardies.

NSW bikies even elected a spokesman, Ferret, who addressed the National Press Club.   Proof that they’re just big softies – would violent thugs give their spokesmen role to a cute fluffy little pet?   I don’t think so.

NSW bikies even elected a spokesman, Ferret, who addressed the National Press Club.   Or it may have been Sacha Baron Cohen’s latest character. / Although all he said was “EEEE! EEEE!”

If they’re really trying to change their image, maybe they should try using a spokesman who isn’t called “Ferret”.

Bikies have been throwing their clubhouse doors open to the public, in the hope of simultaneously improving their image, and luring rivals onto their safe turf.

Bikies have been throwing their clubhouse doors open to the public.   And so long as you don’t touch nuthin, you’ll leave with your face intact.

The bikies insist they’re not criminals.   Unless it’s a crime to ride a Harley, grow a moustache, or give people a right fumping.

But if they really wanted to prove we had nothing to worry about, perhaps the Rebels and the Bandidos should change their club names to The Upstanding Citizens and The Respected Society Gentlemen.

Now the Rebels have changed their name to the Conformists, the Bandidos have changed their names to the Police-os, and the Finks are now the Fanks (Very Much).

Laws have been passed and police have cracked down heavily.   After all, mob violence is their turf. / They want to make sure that the only violent mob allowed access to deadly weapons and illegal drugs is THEM.

But outlawing bikies may be a counterproductive move.   After all, if your mere existence is illegal, what have you got to lose with a bit of drug-peddling and mob violence? / you may as well seize the chance to commit some real crimes.

But bikie groups insist it’s just a few rotten apples spoiling the barrel.   Although that does make for some kickarse cider! / moonshine!

By Wok and Mat

Warwick Holt and Mat Blackwell are long-time writing partners, who created the mega-award winning web series Bruce, and wrote loads of jokes for TV shows including Good News Week, The Sideshow and The Glass House. Several years of their raw material for those shows is posted right here on this blog.

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