Archive for the 'Glass House' Category

Monologue meat for Corinne! (The Glass House 9/8/06)

Thursday, August 10th, 2006

ASYLUM-SEEKER HOUSING IS TOPS Amanda Vanstone claims new accommodation at Villawood Detention Centre is better housing than many Australians enjoy. Yes – and they’re all indigenous people. / Which just goes to show how bad indigenous housing really is. “I mean, you’ve got security, you’ve got people to cook and clean for you; and just […]

Mel Cartman (The Glass House 9/8/06)

Thursday, August 10th, 2006

South Park‘s Cartman and Mel Gibson share identical views on Jews starting wars. There’s a simple explanation for this whole thing. When Mel gets drunk he likes to impersonate Cartman. It’s just that the media haven’t seized on the comments about his mum being a crackwhore. After being released on bail, Mel told the officers […]

Drug test pollies (The Glass House 9/8/06)

Thursday, August 10th, 2006

South Australian Family First MP Dennis Hood has said that if the Government failed to introduce legislation to drug-test MPs, then he would. He’s got one vote already! Hood’s ploy is a cunning Catch 22. If any politicians vote against the bill, he can accuse them of being paranoid! And everyone knows that’s a sure […]

Sue your parents (The Glass House 9/8/06)

Thursday, August 10th, 2006

An American woman is suing her parents for $183,000 after slipping on their path and breaking her ankle. Lucky it wasn’t her good ankle. Imagine how much she’d be suing for if she’d died. She’s hoping that the $183,000 might be enough to buy herself a heart. Carriel Louah slipped on her parents’ icy path […]

I’m in love with my cow (The Glass House 2/8/06)

Thursday, August 3rd, 2006

A lonely Russian farmer has asked President Putin to allow him to marry a cow. It seems world leaders must be softening on their stance towards inter-species marriage. So long as it’s not gay. “I’ve always dreamed of marrying someone, milking them every morning, and finally eating them in pepper sauce. But none of the […]

Smack your children well (The Glass House 2/8/06)

Thursday, August 3rd, 2006

A New Zealand Christian group has urged parents to smack their naughty children for up to 15 minutes a day. Regardless of what they’ve done – it’s just fun! Smacking a child for 15 minutes rids them of “sin in the heart”, as well as being plain old fun! Beat the sin out of them! […]

Oprah’s not gay (The Glass House 2/8/06)

Thursday, August 3rd, 2006

Oprah Winfrey has stated that despite rumours to the contrary she is definitely not gay. Of course she’s not gay – she just broke up with her boyfriend of 20 years! She left him because he wouldn’t commit – to the sex change operation… Oprah and her best friend of 30 years, Gayle King, say […]

Monologue material for Show 200 (The Glass House 26/7/06)

Thursday, July 27th, 2006

PETER COSTELLO’S SCHOOLBOY LARKING Peter Costello admits he was a bit of a larrikin at school, always doing his homework in the last hour before it was due. And to be honest, he copied that last Budget off the guy sitting next to him. Costello admitted he finds it difficult to plan in advance. Shame […]

Bush is the shit (The Glass House 26/7/06)

Thursday, July 27th, 2006

Respectable newspapers across America have published the word “shit” for the first time after George W Bush was caught saying it to Tony Blair at the G8 summit. Respectable parents are dismayed that the New York Times would publish such a filthy word, which is usually only heard in ghettos, bad neighbourhoods and G8 summits. […]

Hogan’s Heroes get zero (The Glass House 26/7/06)

Thursday, July 27th, 2006

Veterans’ Affairs Minister Bruce Billson has said that former prisoners from Nazi prison camps have been undermined by Hogan’s Heroes. The RSL National President agreed that imprisonment under the Germans was not like being at “some holiday camp”. It was more like a really tough study camp. That’s why they were called “concentration” camps… Hah! […]

New look Empire; same old crap

Friday, July 21st, 2006

Hi all, You might have noticed the Media Empire layout’s a bit changed now. The blog’s moved over from running on spam-magnet bBlog to WordPress. The navigation is hopefully also a bit more consistent and straightforward to use now. More changes may come as the mood takes me and time allows. The folks over at […]

Dubya Odds-off for peace prize (The Glass House 19/7/06)

Friday, July 21st, 2006

George Dubya Bush has been ranked a 200-to-1 outsider for the Nobel Peace Prize. It’s not fair – that’s better odds than I’ve got, and I haven’t invaded anyone! Well, not recently… I’m surprised the odds are so bad – after all, no-one’s more peaceful than when they’ve been clusterbombed to death! George Dubya Bush […]

Spider stamp stamped out (The Glass House 19/7/06)

Friday, July 21st, 2006

Australia post have withdrawn a set of stamps featuring red-back spiders due to fears that people might get scared when they get their mail. It also would have provided an excellent hiding spot for real red-backs. It’s a shame really; it would have been great down at the arachnophobic Post Office: “AAAARRRRGGGGH! (postmark violently on […]

Ockerettes (The Glass House 19/7/06)

Friday, July 21st, 2006

New research reveals an increasing trend among Aussie women to get drunk in public, swear and go to the footy. Although it can make it tough to tell if a woman’s pregnant – that might just be her beer gut. These post-feminist women have been dubbed “ockerettes”. No longer confined by feminine stereotypes, the ockerettes […]

Rogues Gallery (The Glass House 12/7/06)

Wednesday, July 12th, 2006

– Kim Beazley squeezes the world’s biggest zit – his head. – “Sure I’ve got a ticker – it’s this bit here, isn’t it?” – Kim Beazley tries out his new stand-up comedy routine: “If you punched me here, I’d be the Opposition Bleeder! Eh? Eh?” – “Hey voters! Here I am!” – “Look! I […]

Wil’s monolgue of laffs (The Glass House 12/7/06)

Wednesday, July 12th, 2006

HOWARD CONVICTING HICKS David Hicks has written to John Howard, describing himself as a “true blue Aussie”, who’s “determined to fit back into society and be a model citizen.” After four and a half years in Guantanamo, Hicks is so desperate to leave that he’s even offered to vote for Johnny. David Hicks has written […]

12 hours notice required for sick leave (The Glass House 12/7/06)

Wednesday, July 12th, 2006

The IR laws continue to cause a stink, with 21 year old mining worker Lorissa Stevens being sacked for refusing to sign an AWA. The mining company’s furious – if only she’d signed the AWA, they could have sacked her for no reason instead… She was sacked from the mining job, which means her chances […]

Aussie democracy for the Arc of Instability (The Glass House 12/7/06)

Wednesday, July 12th, 2006

The Liberal Party and the ALP have joined forces to teach our Pacific neighbours the noble art of democracy. Sign up for The Global Democracy Program and you could turn your bombing and looting villagers into Parliamentarians! The program is aimed at the islands in what the Government calls the “arc of instability”. They’re aiming […]

Give the ump a thumb-pull (The Glass House 12/7/06)

Wednesday, July 12th, 2006

Russian tennis-ball-hitting-person Dmitry Tursunov faces a large fine and possibly suspension after a series of attacks on umpire Fergus Murphy: clubbing the ball at his chair, trying to pull him out of the chair when shaking the ump’s hand, and later comparing him to Saddam Hussein. But at least he’s not a sore loser. At […]

Psychological warfare – Oz style (The Glass House 5/7/06)

Wednesday, July 5th, 2006

A new $51 billion Defence spending plan includes $50 million earmarked for psychological warfare. The other $50.95 billion is being spent on regular bombing-the-shit-out-of-people warfare. One psychological technique being advocated involves putting your gun away, and giving your enemy a cupcake. Who could resist? The psychological warfare includes propaganda and media control. Which strangely enough […]