Archive for August, 2005

Iraq-daks (The Glass House 31/8/05)

Wednesday, August 31st, 2005

The British Army has unveiled a new range of high-tech underwear as part of its new range of desert clothing. “Iraq-daks!” (pron: irak-daks) They prevent infection, reduce chafing and are completely undie-tectable. The Army unveiled their underpants last Thursday… but after orders from above they pulled their trousers back up. To help in encounters with […]

Costello’s War on Teacherism (The Glass House 31/8/05)

Wednesday, August 31st, 2005

Treasurer Peter Costello has said that teachers are creating a young generation with a strong anti-American bias. Yeah, because kids do whatever their teachers tell them to… actually, swotty kids like Peter Costello would’ve. Treasurer Peter Costello has said that teachers are creating a young generation with a strong anti-American bias. It’s hard enough for […]

Criticism of the Umpire Criticism Criticism (The Glass House 31/8/05)

Wednesday, August 31st, 2005

The latest victims of violent verbal attacks are football umpires. Coaches and the media have been increasingly outspoken in their criticisms of the games’ refs. AFL coaches have been slapped with fines and reprimands; though they’d be better off using a 50 metre penalty. It’s just not on. Coaches should leave abusing umpires to the […]

Heath’s No Whore (The Glass House 31/8/05)

Wednesday, August 31st, 2005

Heath Ledger has attacked actors who use their fame to advertise products for cash. In an impassioned outburst, Heath said “I’m not someone who wants to go out and sell effing Tag Heuer watches and L’Oreal and all that stupid fashion shit… Not to say that Tag Heuer don’t make great watches, because they do. […]

1937 Cow caused Iraq War (The Glass House 24/8/05)

Wednesday, August 24th, 2005

A cow from 1937 is said to be responsible for the Iraq war now. According to George Bush, the cow has been “concealing weapons of mass destruction” and has “undeniable ties to al Qaeda”. Apparently the cow’s hiding out in Tehran; we’ve got no choice but to bomb the bejeezus out of it. The Coalition […]

Celebrity Shark Bait (The Glass House 24/8/05)

Wednesday, August 24th, 2005

To mark the 30th anniversary of “Jaws”, British TV has launched a new program, “Celebrity Shark Bait”. Celebrities such as Ruby Wax and Richard E. Grant will be lowered in a cage into shark-infested waters. That’s one show you don’t want to get voted off. They may seem like B-Grade celebrities, but all the big […]

Newsflash: Corkscrews are practical (The Glass House 24/8/05)

Wednesday, August 24th, 2005

A British poll on usable design breakthroughs has been topped by the armed corkscrew. I don’t know whether I necessarily agree; I tried an armed corkscrew on a new wine bottle, and it broke. Much easier to just unscrew it, I reckon. An Al Qaeda survey voted the nuclear-armed corkscrew even better… Disposable nappies came […]

Romance Of Distance (The Glass House 24/8/05)

Wednesday, August 24th, 2005

A US study shows long-distance relationships are more stable than geographically close ones. In fact the best way to ensure your relationship lasts is to never see each other at all. Hence the popularity of Internet dating. Couples who see each other every day and do daily chores together can simply get bored of each […]

Aussie al Qaeda video star (The Glass House 17/8/05)

Wednesday, August 17th, 2005

The star of al Qaeda’s latest video is suspected to be former Aussie soldier Mathew Stewart. (play video) Isn’t that guy off “Pizza”? He definitely seems like an Australian. Not only does he have a distinct Aussie accent, but an esky filled with explosives and a thong-bomb. “Yeah, it looks like him,” said his old […]

Guantanamo mad for Potter (The Glass House 17/8/05)

Wednesday, August 17th, 2005

According to the prison librarian at Guantanamo Bay, the favourite book of Muslim detainees is Harry Potter. Mind you, all the copies of the Koran have already been flushed. After all, Guantanamo Bay is a lot like Hogwarts; it’s hidden from the rest of the world, you can’t leave until the end of term, and […]

Slap fest leaves radio station red-faced (The Glass House 17/8/05)

Wednesday, August 17th, 2005

A US hip-hop radio station has been forced to stop a promotion called “Smackfest”, where women slapped each other to win cash and prizes. State officials argued that the smackfest constituted a form of unlicensed combative sport, similar to underground boxing. Even more so now that they’ve driven it underground. The problem was it was […]

Wax William (cut from The Glass House 17/8/05)

Wednesday, August 17th, 2005

Prince William is the latest – some would say cutest – royal to be immortalised at Madame Tussaud’s Wax Works. Ohhhh, he looks just like his wax mum… Of course one problem is that William’s going to keep changing as he grows older. Particularly if they light his wick. The waxwork is so popular that […]

US admits defeat in war on semantics (The Glass House 10/8/05)

Wednesday, August 10th, 2005

Well whaddya know. The US has decided that the War On Terror is now to be called The Struggle Against Violent Extremism. Some new slogans in place of the outmoded “War on Terror”: – The Wrestle With Nastiness – International Debombification – War on P.R. Disasters – War on Iraq/Muslims/Arabs – Anti-Allah Alliance – The […]

Will swap goats and cows for Chelsea Clinton (The Glass House 10/8/05)

Wednesday, August 10th, 2005

A Kenyan man has been waiting for five years to get a reply to his offer to Bill Clinton of 40 goats and 20 cows in exchange for Bill’s daughter Chelsea’s hand in marriage. “I’m really hoping he replies soon,” said Godwin Chepkurgor. “These goats and cows are OK, but they’re no Chelsea Clinton.” Bill […]

War on alcohol turns ugly (The Glass House 10/8/05)

Wednesday, August 10th, 2005

The British Advertising Standards Authority have ordered drinks companies to hire uglier men for alcohol ads targeting women. Although they haven’t asked for uglier women in ads targeting men. “Come on,” said an ASA spokesman, “who’d want to see a fugly bird in a beer ad? That’s just ridiculous.” “We advise that the man in […]

Pupils ‘should mark teachers’ (The Glass House 10/8/05)

Wednesday, August 10th, 2005

Democrats leader Lyn Allison has suggested that just as teachers grade students, high school students should in turn mark teachers. A typical report will read “D-minus – seems to know the subject but didn’t hand in one piece of homework”. A typical report will read “D-minus – Hangs around the front acting like a know-it-all”. […]

Public reject Clones (The Glass House 10/8/05)

Wednesday, August 10th, 2005

A new survey shows that, while a majority of Australians support stem cell research and gene therapy, they are opposed to human cloning and social engineering. We prefer anti-social engineering – which explains a lot about the behaviour of engineering students. As well as being opposed to clones, many Australians are also very disturbed by […]

Black Hawk Howard while Janette acts as decoy (The Glass House 3/8/05)

Wednesday, August 3rd, 2005

The second part of this story on last night’s Glass House is about this article. P.M. John Howard’s visit to Baghdad was a top secret mission, flying by C-130 Hercules from Kuwait to Baghdad and then by Black Hawk helicopter into the maximum-security Green Zone, flanked at all times by US Army choppers. Howard is […]

Don’t Breastfeed At The Gym (The Glass House 3/8/05)

Wednesday, August 3rd, 2005

Club Pink, a female-only gym, is being taken to court for having a no breastfeeding policy. However, breastfeeding mothers are still welcome down the road at Club Red, the Men’s Gym. In fact, they’re one of the biggest drawcards. Daily shows at 11 and 3. “Come along to our gym,” said Trevor Titsout, owner of […]

Pope not dead, but goal still missed (The Glass House 3/8/05)

Wednesday, August 3rd, 2005

A New Zealand rugby semi-final was interrupted by a rogue announcer putting off a member of the Catholic Rugby Club by announcing that the Pope had died in a car crash. Their next shot at goal was interrupted by an announcement that “There is no God” and a penalty was missed when it was announced […]