Archive for September, 2005

Latham the Loony (The Glass House 28/9/05)

Wednesday, September 28th, 2005

Psychologists have warned Mark Latham that he is at risk of suffering a mental breakdown. But how could you tell? Latham has replied: “I’m not crazy. It’s everyone else who’s crazy!” Latham has been criticised for blaming his mistakes on others. “I don’t blame other people – it’s them that does all the blaming!” Latham […]

This wheel’s on fire (The Glass House 28/9/05)

Wednesday, September 28th, 2005

Passengers were treated to an exciting in-flight program as they landed at LA International Airport – their own emergency landing. As the plane’s front wheels got stuck sideways and burst into flame, the passengers got to watch it being reported live on TV. “It was great,” said one. “Just a shame the whole plane didn’t […]

The Baxter Entertainment Complex (The Glass House 28/9/05)

Wednesday, September 28th, 2005

Amanda Vanstone on Baxter: “People have found it to be forbidding, and we are making it friendlier… It will never be a fun place to be but it will be very good.” Baxter’s “not fun”. That’s like saying John Howard’s “not muslim” Or Hurricane Katrina’s “not dry”. As part of the friendlification of Baxter, they’re […]

Whatever happened to the good old file in a cake? (The Glass House 21/9/05)

Wednesday, September 21st, 2005

Searches of visitors to Victorian prisoners have turned up some unusual contraband, including nine lamb chops and a kilo of steak, underpants, rice cookers and a spider in a jar. It’s going to be quite a feast in prison tonight! “I misheard,” said one prisoner’s Mum. “He asked me to try to smuggle in a […]

Tiger Urine + Donkey = Tiger (The Glass House 21/9/05)

Wednesday, September 21st, 2005

Stir-fried tiger meat on a Beijing restaurant’s menu has turned out to be donkey meat dressed with tiger urine. The restaurant is near the Siberian Tiger Park, home to a highly endangered species of tiger that looks suspiciously like a donkey with painted orange stripes. “Siberian tigers are different to normal tigers! Where your normal […]

Compassion runs in Bush family (The Glass House 14/9/05)

Wednesday, September 14th, 2005

With Hurricane Katrina bearing down on Dubya’s back, his Mum is proving that compassion runs in the family. The relocations had “worked well” said Barbara; after all, many of the evacuees were “underprivileged anyway”. That’s right, and the really lucky ones were drowned. The evacuees agree. As one said, “It’s gone swimmingly!” Yes Barbara, they […]

Cock-up at the Ball-cooking Ball (The Glass House 14/9/05)

Wednesday, September 14th, 2005

The organisers of the World Testicle-Cooking Championship in Serbia are disappointed at being tricked by a man claiming to be Australia’s leading Kangaroo Testicle Chef. They were told that he was flying over for the event, but it turned out to be bollocks… Now that hoax took real balls. The caller said that cooked kangaroo […]

Nah mate, it’s No-Terror Tuesday (The Glass House 14/9/05)

Wednesday, September 14th, 2005

Under new anti-terror laws, bouncers and security guards will be called upon to lead the first response to terror attacks. Bouncers would seem like the perfect choice – after all, they’ve shown themselves as extremely adept at putting down uprisings of cricket coaches… The bouncers would be great at stopping an attack by terrorists with […]

Turn left, puny human! (The Glass House 14/9/05)

Wednesday, September 14th, 2005

Boffins are developing in-car computers that offer more human directions, using landmarks to direct you instead of distances. But what a car considers a stand-out landmark is different to a human. “Go right at the petrol station, then right again at the Mufflers-R-Us – oh, and can we stop off at the lube shop again? […]

Stone the cows (The Glass House 7/9/05)

Wednesday, September 7th, 2005

A herd of Russian cows are going to be fed marijuana all winter when a confiscated crop turned out to be planted amongst their regular diet of sunflowers and maize. The only problem is when the cows get an attack of the munchies, all they’ve got to snack on is more dope. Talk about a […]

Aussie athletes only good at Walking & Vaulting (The Glass House 7/9/05)

Wednesday, September 7th, 2005

Australian athletes are seeded to win just fifteen medals at next years Commonwealth Games, including only four gold. And the rest were chocolate. Aussies are world champion walkers – we’ve got the three highest ranked Commonwealth walkers for both men and women. And we’re an absolute cert to get gold in the aimless meander / […]

Runner ducky, you’re the one… (The Glass House 7/9/05)

Wednesday, September 7th, 2005

Indian Runner Ducks have been setting off security alarms at the royal family’s Scottish summer estate. The seven ducks, owned by Prince Charles, trigger the recently upgraded security system day and night – and zealous security guards have been picking them off… and only four little ducks came back. Seven little ducks went out one […]

Nappy-rash of assaults (cut from The Glass House 7/9/05)

Wednesday, September 7th, 2005

British police are chasing a man who dresses in nothing but a nappy and approaches women late at night, asking “Are there any baby-changing facilities in the area?” He obviously doesn’t realise he’s already changed into a baby. Police are currently trying to lure the man out of hiding with a giant teddy bear and […]