Archive for November, 2005

2005 – That Was The Year That Was The Year That Was The Year That Was 2005 (The Glass House 23/11/05)

Wednesday, November 23rd, 2005

George W Bush continued to insist that good progress is being made in Iraq. And it is, especially by the terrorist insurgents… Australia captured their first all home-grown terrorists, and it went so well that the government are passing extra laws so they can capture whoever they like… The Senate election makes the ALP irrelevant, […]

Paris is not a dirty word (The Glass House 23/11/05)

Wednesday, November 23rd, 2005

Paris Hilton has been voted the star with the biggest ego. Despite having the smallest dog. Of course, she expected to win. Paris was disappointed. “It’s like not just the biggest ego – it’s the best!” “I don’t get it. I don’t even have an eagle.” Paris was really offended, until someone told her what […]

Warne on hold (The Glass House 23/11/05)

Wednesday, November 23rd, 2005

Shane Warne has signed a sponsorship deal with a phone company to record their hold messages, and possibly the hold messages of their customers too. The message goes “If you have recently received a steamy SMS from me, press one. If you have slept with me and are planning to go to the papers, press […]

Shoot the all-rounder (The Glass House 23/11/05)

Wednesday, November 23rd, 2005

British cricketer Andrew Flintoff has revealed that he was once shot at while fielding. It’s a more direct version of Bodyline – Flesh Wound! Looks like Brett Lee’s aim isn’t as good as we thought. Now that’s the way to get the Ashes back! It would have got him but at the last minute Flintoff […]

Masturbateforpeace.com (The Glass House 23/11/05)

Wednesday, November 23rd, 2005

A new website, masturbateforpeace.com, suggests that everyone should whack off to create stop war by creating a feeling of goodwill. Their motto is “we cum in peace”. Many celebrities have joined in the cause: Mrs Palmer and her five daughters, the Purple-headed Bishop, the Gusset Typists, and the One-Eyed Trouser Snake. It’d be great if […]

Artists are Prats (cut from The Glass House 23/11/05)

Wednesday, November 23rd, 2005

A Melbourne Uni study has found that creative people tend to have schizo-type personalities. Funny, I don’t feel schizo. Yes I do! In one test, non-artists usually said bricks could be used for building, whereas artists tended to come up with more creative uses, such as throwing it through a window. “Creative” in this instance […]

Aussies On The Bonk (cut from The Glass House 23/11/05)

Wednesday, November 23rd, 2005

A new survey shows that Aussies are having more sex more often, on average once every three days. Of course, that is just an average; Guy Sebastian never has sex, and John Howard screws the entire population on at least a daily basis. We average 108 times a year, although this goes down to 50 […]

Insurgents phone a friend (cut from The Glass House 16/11/05)

Wednesday, November 16th, 2005

Iraqi insurgents are reported to have stolen a British satellite phone and racked up ONE POINT TWO MILLION DOLLARS of calls before it was banned from use. The British Foreign Office acted after noticing discrepancies in the bill. Because ordinarily they would have expected no more than one point one million dollars. They were also […]

NanoCar (The Glass House 16/11/05)

Wednesday, November 16th, 2005

Scientists at Rice University have made the world’s smallest car. Oddly enough, scientists at Car University have made the world’s largest rice. Texan scientists have built a “nano-car” made out of a single molecule. The car is three-billionths of a metre across. (Sumo wrestler voice) “Ahhh. Not so squeezy.” And if you think that’s small, […]

Surfin’ Tsunami (The Glass House 16/11/05)

Wednesday, November 16th, 2005

The City of Malibu is distributing brochures warning surfers not to catch a ride on a tsunami. Wipe out! …whole cities at a time. Beach volleyball is also banned from tsunami areas, although they still allow Diving For Belongings and Synchronised Drowning. A tsunami can be a devastating experience. And when you’re choking for air […]

Jessica – Therapist or Therapest (The Glass House 16/11/05)

Wednesday, November 16th, 2005

Jessica Simpson has been driven to therapy due to relentless gossip about her marriage to Nick Lachey. Maybe, just maybe, if she didn’t want so much gossip about her marriage she should STOP MAKING TV SHOWS ABOUT IT! Nick said, “She’s definitely crazy. We split up years ago.” Jess said: “Yeah, I’ve started seeing a […]

The Guantanamo Diet (The Glass House 9/11/05)

Friday, November 11th, 2005

Donald Rumsfeld said Guantanamo Bay hunger strikers are “going on a diet”. And sewing their lips together is just a bit of needlepoint. Donald Rumsfeld said Guantanamo Bay hunger strikers are “going on a diet”. The really keen dieters sew their lips together! Rumsfeld elaborated that prisoners who attempted to hang themselves were just “bungy […]

Public Transport for Pollies (The Glass House 9/11/05)

Friday, November 11th, 2005

Liberal MP Malcolm Turnball suggests MPs should be able to swap their taxpayer-funded car for a public transport allowance. Wow, pollies on public transport. Next thing you know they’ll be offering public services! Wow, pollies on public transport. Next thing you know they’ll be offering healthcare and education! Of course politicians already take public transport. […]

God sets Minimum Wage (The Glass House 9/11/05)

Friday, November 11th, 2005

(Some of these gags have been resurrected from the dead…) The head of the Government’s new Fair Pay Commission, Ian Harper, says that the minimum wage will be set by “God’s will”. The next minimum wage increase will be two bushels of grain and a plague of frogs. The head of the Government’s new Fair […]

16 Hours of Orgasm (The Glass House 2/11/05)

Wednesday, November 2nd, 2005

German researchers have statistically broken down the average human life. The average person spends a total of 24 years sleeping, 7 years working, and 2 years doing pointless research. The research found that we each spend nine months doing housework. So better do it now, or you’re going to spend the last nine months of […]

eBAY reHAB (The Glass House 2/11/05)

Wednesday, November 2nd, 2005

A rehab clinic in England is treating patients addicted to auction website eBay. Many of the eBayaholics are recovering drug or alcohol addicts who have upped their bids. A place in the clinic has costs 1000 pounds per week. Well, that’s the reserve price anyway. An eBay addiction can be expensive: after all, a piece […]

Political Witch-Doctoring (cut from The Glass House 2/11/05)

Wednesday, November 2nd, 2005

Tanzania’s politicians are sneaking around after dark to get witch doctors to help them win this month’s election. I don’t know why they don’t just rig it like in a normal country. Tanzania’s coastal region of Bagamoyo is renowned for the quality of its witch-doctors: they’ve managed to predict the results of every election for […]