Archive for February, 2006

All the news that’s fit to blab (The Glass House 22/2/06)

Thursday, February 23rd, 2006

DEAD CENTRELINK Centrelink has agreed to overhaul its records after an audit found almost 1.5 million of its clients are dead. No wonder they’re unemployed… Bloody dole bludgers, lying around all day, decomposing… Rather than correct the mistake, Centrelink are launching a new initiative: “Rot For The Dole”. Apparently half of the people who work […]

Aussies hate Yanks (The Glass House 22/2/06)

Thursday, February 23rd, 2006

The latest global poll of opinions about the USA found 60% of Australians have a negative opinion of America, while only 29% are positive. That’s dropped from 40% positive the year before; but that was probably back when we still thought they wouldn’t vote for that douchebag president again. Even though only 29% of Australians […]

Assault by light tap on the shoulder (The Glass House 22/2/06)

Thursday, February 23rd, 2006

Australian tourist Pauline Clayton has escaped with a minimal fine after pleading guilty to assaulting a Texan woman by tapping her on the shoulder. The court case was a fiery affair; the woman later charged the stenographer with multiple counts of aggravated assault on her stenograph. The incident occurred during a screening of Brokeback Mountain […]

You can’t take it with you, so spend it (The Glass House 22/2/06)

Thursday, February 23rd, 2006

Only 23 per cent of Australian workers plan to leave savings intact to pass on to their children, making Australia one of the stingiest nations on Earth. Except when it comes to wheat kickbacks of course. 30% of Aussie retirees actively seek pleasure, while the other 70% just sit in their armchairs and wait for […]

Holding Hands to Health (The Glass House 22/2/06)

Thursday, February 23rd, 2006

Scientists have discovered that holding hands with your partner causes immediate relief and lowers stress levels. This may have seemed obvious to you and I, but scientists discovered it by electrocuting women. Yeah, good work guys. An alternative explanation is that by holding hands the women are just halving the amount of current passing through […]

2nd-rate Media Watch (The Glass House 22/2/06)

Thursday, February 23rd, 2006

NEWS FOOTAGE: BACKYARD WRESTLING; KIDS BREAK FLUORO TUBES, JUMP OFF LADDERS & BASH EACH OTHER WITH FOLDING CHAIRS Add a wacky sound-effect and that wins Funniest Home Videos for sure. I don’t why they used the bleep instead of the usual “ba-doing!” They’re just playing an updated version of “Cops & Robbers”: “Guantanamo Bay Guards […]

Welcome back & The Glass House 2005 Remix

Sunday, February 19th, 2006

Greetings subjects, Welcome to the 06 blog postings. Like last year, most posts will consist of the raw material that Mat and I write for The Glass House. Plus the occasional post on something else going on in the Empire or elsewhere on the interweb. One thing Glass House fans may enjoy is a little […]

While we were out… (The Glass House 15/2/06)

Sunday, February 19th, 2006

Muslims worldwide riot over insulting cartoon depictions of Mohammed. They say he deserves nothing less than the highest-quality CGI. Riots over cartoon depictions of Mohammed cause a hitch in Disney’s production of Mohammed and the Seven Virgins / Shrek 3: Allah Fucks a Pig. Muslims riot over cartoon depictions of Mohammed they say they are […]

Fans fund films (The Glass House 15/2/06)

Sunday, February 19th, 2006

A UK company is filming a new scheme to fund movies by offering investors who pay between ten and a hundred pounds a copy of the DVD, an executive producer credit and a chance to become an extra. Over 1.6 million people have signed up – that’s gunna make their coffee-shop scene pretty crowded. It’s […]

German gene doping (The Glass House 15/2/06)

Sunday, February 19th, 2006

German athletes at the Winter Olympics are suspected of gene doping. Suspicions were first aroused when the Germans showed off their new team of streamlined skiers with wings. Athletes are being injected with Repoxygen, which stimulates production of the agent which enables oxygen to reach the muscles. It’s also great for welding. Future genetic doping […]

Llama Llove (The Glass House 15/2/06)

Sunday, February 19th, 2006

A British charity offered a special deal for Valentine’s Day – a romantic stroll with a llama carrying your picnic lunch. Because nothing says “I love you” like a pack animal that spits. Perfect for that romantic stroll through the Peruvian Alps. They use the slogan “get calmer with a llama”. For their other services […]

I’ll take the network thanks, Eddie (The Glass House 15/2/06)

Sunday, February 19th, 2006

In the best news in years, Eddie McGuire is taking over Channel 9. That means HE WON’T BE ON OUR TV SCREENS! Until he dies of course and Channel 9 spends a few months airing tribute shows. James Packer is going to be the first guest on Eddie McGuire’s new quiz show, Who Wants To […]