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Glass House

Donald gets duck all (The Glass House 26/4/06)

The actors playing Mickey Mouse and Donald Duck at Hong Kong Disneyland have been denied paid sick leave after suffering injuries from the heavy costumes. Hang on a minute – what do you mean costumes? (sniff) Oh well, there go my last childhood illusions… The actors playing the Disney stars are having their pay docked […]

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Glass House

Dial-a-Shearing (cut from The Glass House 26/4/06)

Researchers in Adelaide have suggested sheep of the future may be shorn by having a mobile phone call trigger a bioactive substance which would cause their wool to fall out. Of course it won’t work if the sheep are on another call at the time. That’s the sheep of things to come… The farmer of […]

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Glass House

Rogues Gallery – Bush’n’Bono, Keef, Eddie, TomKat (The Glass House 19/4/06)

Bono tries to explain the concept of “international diplomacy” to a fan. “So do I get to join the band? I can get you really good coke!” ” ‘Bono’… that’s not Islamic is it?” ” ‘Bono’… sounds like a foreign name to me.” Dubya: “What do you mean ‘me too’?” Bush has trouble spelling the […]

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Glass House

Making news this week (The Glass House 19/4/06)

AWB Howard, Downer and Vaille all say that they didn’t even read the 21 intelligence cables that said AWB was funding Saddam’s regime. As Howard said: “I was far too busy reading the cables about made-up stuff! You know, like WMDs, the links between Saddam and Osama, and African uranium…” As Howard said: “I was […]

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Glass House

Grump your way to health (The Glass House 19/4/06)

Flight attendants, call centre operators, waiters and other people forced to stay jolly for work are at risk of harming their health due to internalised stress. You might be advised to stick to grumpier professions, like parking inspector, nightclub bouncer or comedy writer. Russell Crowe is set to live forever. Instead of saying “Have a […]

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Glass House

Who Wants to be a Superhero (The Glass House 19/4/06)

Comic book creator Stan Lee has been auditioning contestants for a new reality show Who Wants to be a Superhero? 120 contestants in their own outfits lined up in a torrential rainstorm to gain selection on the show. Good for Umbrella Man, although Sponge Girl ended up waterlogged. In the TV show, the wannabe superheroes […]

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Glass House

Swiss living is the best (The Glass House 19/4/06)

A new survey of the world’s best cities has ranked Swiss cities Zurich and Geneva as numbers one and two. The survey ranked cities by a number of different factors, including the quality of their chocolate and the number of holes in their cheese. Switzerland scored well for its strong internal stability and excellent relationships […]

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Glass House

80 not out, and still not amused (The Glass House 12/4/06)

The Queen turns 80 this week. Of course, we’ve already helped her celebrate at the Commonwealth Games Opening by mangling the first half of “God Save the Queen” and sticking in “Happy Birthday”. Such a touching insult. Prince Phillip’s going to get her a new crown, Princess Anne’s going to reupholster the corgis, and Prince […]

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Glass House

Too Drunk To See Oolooroooo (The Glass House 12/4/06)

A man was arrested for drunk driving after asking a police officer for directions to Uluru – when he was just 100 metres away, pointing his headlights at it. When the policeman pointed it out, he said “I still can’t see it, there’s a bloody big red rock in the way!” “Not Ayer’s Rock – […]

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News

Roll up, roll up to the Creationist Museum

A one-eyed, noseless kitten called Cy will be the centrepiece of a new museum intended to promote the theory of creationism. Of course! Could such a hideous mutant be anything but the work of a benevolent, loving God? The owner of the Lost World Museum, John Adolfi, claims Cy offers evidence that there are no […]

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Glass House

Wil’s monologue madness (The Glass House 5/4/06)

DINGO CARTOON An Indonesian cartoon has portrayed Alexander Downer and John Howard as a pair of rutting dingos. What an insult! They’re much more like buggering wombats. The cartoon was much easier to stomach than the previous version. It was pretty much the same, except they weren’t dingos… Howard couldn’t care less, saying he’s never […]

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Glass House

We’re optimistic – but not as much as Iraqis (The Glass House 5/4/06)

Australians are among the most optimistic nations – 61% of Australians feel their personal financial situation will improve. In other words 39% of Australians feel that this is as good as it gets. And we’re the optimists! 65% of Iraqis felt that their personal situation would improve. And that includes the suicide bombers. 65% of […]