Archive for May, 2006

Wil’s monologue (The Glass House 31/5/06)

Wednesday, May 31st, 2006

2 CENTS FOR YOUR SOUL Under the new IR laws, workers have been asked to sign away penalty rates, leave loading and rest breaks for a hefty 2 cents per hour compensation. John Howard says they are contributing to “the general health of the economy”. Although, being only 2 cents, it’s mainly contributing to the […]

Screwing with the Chimps (The Glass House 31/5/06)

Wednesday, May 31st, 2006

New research suggests that human beings and chimps may have interbred for four million years before finally separating genetically. Humans and chimps getting it on – that’s disgusting! Baboons are so much sexier… It’s their shiny blue inflatable arses that do it for me. Chimps and humans are said to have exchanged genes for up […]

Dancing with the Miners (The Glass House 31/5/06)

Wednesday, May 31st, 2006

Thanks to their exclusive deal with Channel Nine, miner celebrities Brant Webb and Todd Russell have passed up on opportunity to participate in Dancing With the Stars. Now that would’ve been worth seeing: “Next up, Brant Webb and Todd Russell with a dance step of their own invention, which they call The Crap in a […]

Lord of the Tribes (The Glass House 31/5/06)

Wednesday, May 31st, 2006

Two 26 year old Brits are hoping to turn a remote Fijian island into a tribal community, basing it on backpacking culture. And we all know there’s nothing more tribal than a bunch of British backpackers… The plan is to fund the island via 5000 online tribe members who then get voting and visiting rights […]

The VOICE of fake jewellery (The Glass House 31/5/06)

Wednesday, May 31st, 2006

A local group of desperate housewives have hatched a cunning scheme: they get their hubbies to buy them jewellery which they then swap for cheap fakes, pocketing the change. Unfortunately their scheme came undone when one of them traded in their hubby’s BMW for a cardboard copy. The husband spotted the ruse when he got […]

Chopperopoly (The Glass House 24/5/06)

Wednesday, May 24th, 2006

A new board game has gone on sale based on the life of Chopper Read. Mochopperly! All the squares say “Go To Jail”… It’s a competetive game; every time you get sent to gaol, you get stabbed. Roll a six and you lose a toe. The Community Chest is covered in tattoos… One card says, […]

Funless existence (The Glass House 24/5/06)

Wednesday, May 24th, 2006

A new report has found that nearly two-thirds of Australians think they aren’t having as much fun as they did twenty years ago. So, some ways to bring the fun back into your life: Why not fingerpaint on your Porsche? Or, for even more fun, someone else’s! Work less and earn more: become a politician! […]

News for Wil’s bit (The Glass House 17/5/06)

Wednesday, May 17th, 2006

RUBBING NOSES IN WORK CHOICES Great news! The government’s decided to save our money rather than spending it on another round of Work Choices ads. They decided that another campaign would have the effect of “rubbing people’s noses in it”. And you don’t want your nose anywhere near shit like that… It’s not our noses […]

e-Lected Officials (The Glass House 17/5/06)

Wednesday, May 17th, 2006

eBay are auctioning off ten political events for charity, including joining the PM for his annual cricket match. Are you thinking what I’m thinking? Bodyline! (Might kill him, but it’s how he would want to go…) You can also bid for a lunch for six with Kim Beazley. If you’re lucky, he might even let […]

Whocare for childcare? (The Glass House 17/5/06)

Wednesday, May 17th, 2006

The Coalition and the ALP are falling over each other in the race to improve childcare. Peter Costello’s budget abolished caps on in-home childcare, while Kim Beazley promised some free crayons and an apple for playlunch. But no-one’s asking the children what they want. I did a quick survey of two year olds, asking what […]

Retirement plans around the globe (The Glass House 17/5/06)

Wednesday, May 17th, 2006

A survey in industrialised countries has found different nationalities have different hopes for when they retire. The Germans want to play more sport, the French to do some gardening, and the Italians and Spaniards want to do nothing. A little boring, perhaps, but at least you don’t need much money to live out your dreams. […]

Leg lover licks ladies legs (The Glass House 17/5/06)

Wednesday, May 17th, 2006

A foot fetishist has admitted he tried to kiss, fondle and lick over 70 New York women on the subway over the past three years. He said his motivation was “to make them laugh and smile and open to me” but that when her tried to “taste and touch them”, “some women had kicked me […]

Iranian women can watch sport (The Glass House 10/5/06)

Wednesday, May 10th, 2006

Iran’s president, Mahmoud Ahmadinejad, has repealed a ban on Iranian women attending sports stadiums. That’ll be great – particularly for the women’s events. The White House said that dropping the sexist law is further proof that Ahmadinejad is a dangerously unhinged fundamentalist and must be nuked at once. Ahmadinejad decided to drop the ban after […]

Adversheeping (The Glass House 10/5/06)

Wednesday, May 10th, 2006

144 Dutch sheep are being used to advertise an online hotel reservation company via waterproof blankets. The sheep are thrilled; as one said, “It’s much better than that soggy old wool I used to get around in!” It’s an old idea – sheep have been advertising wool for ages. Branding’s come a long way since […]

Now it’s illegal to be drunk in a bar (The Glass House 10/5/06)

Wednesday, May 10th, 2006

Texan police are going undercover to arrest drunken patrons in bars, since public drunkenness laws still apply there. Now drunks have lost their wateringholes, pub owners are losing their businesses, and bouncers have no-one to beat the shit out of. And Texans are at a loss as to what to do with all the leftover […]

Rogues’ Gallery – Costello, Costner, Trump, Whitney (The Glass House 3/5/06)

Thursday, May 4th, 2006

Costello brushes up on his schoolyard taunts. Costello loses again at thumb-wrestling. “Best out of three?” “How much for the little girl?” The new economics teacher seems like a bit of a creep. “Would you like a tax cut, little girl?” Costello selects another victim for the Altar of Blood. Costello selects a virgin for […]

This week’s newsybits (The Glass House 3/5/06)

Thursday, May 4th, 2006

WHOOPS, WRONG CORPSE The parents of Private Jake Kovco were furious when their son’s body was delivered to Melbourne Airport, only to turn out to be the body of an unidentified Bosnian. Mr and Mrs Unidentified Bosnian are also said to be quite upset. Private Kovco’s mother rang John Howard personally and according to Brendan […]

Academic Spying (The Glass House 3/5/06)

Thursday, May 4th, 2006

University academics are being recruited as “spies” in the war on terror. They’ve been asked to alert Canberra about any enrolment inquiries from students from countries suspected of having WMDs. In particular, they’re looking for students from countries who have used WMDs. So that’s pretty much just Americans then. So Americans, Indians and Israelites had […]

Your plastic pal who’s fun to be with (The Glass House 3/5/06)

Thursday, May 4th, 2006

In the US, they’ve started using robots at childcare nurseries. They’re hoping that by 2012 they can dispense with children altogether… It’s part of an experiment to discover what it takes for machines and humans to develop long-term relationships. The kids are really enjoying it, but the robots are still coming to terms with the […]