Archive for June, 2006

All the news that’s fit for Wil (The Glass House 28/6/06)

Wednesday, June 28th, 2006

IMMIGANTS STAY AWAY It’s an all-in brawl amongst the Libs over whether or not to process asylum seekers on Nauru. Wilson Tuckey was disgusted that some of his colleagues might want “people from all over the world” living in their street. They like to keep it nice and pure over there in White Supremacist Avenue. […]

The Superjesus (The Glass House 28/6/06)

Wednesday, June 28th, 2006

The trailer for the new movie Superman Returns has inspired a lot of talk about the parallels between Superman and Jesus Christ. If only Pontius Pilate had’ve stocked up on kryptonite he could’ve avoided that tedious crucifixion… The similarities abound: – He can only be killed by crucifixionite, – His enemy is Lex Lucifor, and […]

Heaveno (The Glass House 21/6/06)

Wednesday, June 21st, 2006

An American Christian group has decided the word ‘hello’ is a Satanic greeting, and has launched a campaign to replace it with the more Godly ‘Heaveno’. They’re also replacing ‘Goodbye’ with ‘Godbewithyou’ and ‘How you doing?’ with ‘All praise the Lord Almighty, Hallelujah you doing.’ ‘Hello’ will be ‘heaveno’, shells will be ‘sheavens’, and ‘devilled […]

Bob the Greenie (The Glass House 21/6/06)

Wednesday, June 21st, 2006

Bob the Builder is being used to promote home insulation as a weapon against climate change at a European energy ministers meeting. At last they’re putting climate change in language that even politicians can understand! The move represented an acknowledgement of the severity of the climate change predicament. As the British Energy Minister said, “We […]

Cybersexy Willis (The Glass House 21/6/06)

Wednesday, June 21st, 2006

The shooting of a new sex scene featuring Halle Berry and Bruce Willis is said to be lacking just one thing – Bruce Willis. Berry had to writhe around solo while a tape of Willis’ voice was played; Bruce will be spliced into the scene later via computer. Apparently Willis “couldn’t make the shoot”. Now […]

Too-sexy Radio (The Glass House 21/6/06)

Wednesday, June 21st, 2006

A German radio DJ, Lady Ray, has been sacked for dressing too sexily on air. Fair enough too. I mean short skirts are one thing but actually dressing on air is going too far. She should have taken a leaf out of Aussie radio’s book, and been undressing on air. Her radio career’s over but […]

Communist Plot (The Glass House 21/6/06)

Wednesday, June 21st, 2006

A late French butcher has left his house and land to the local council on condition that they be used to prepare for the communist revolution. That’s right, it’s a communist plot! Of land. The council has agreed to immediately take steps towards communism; they’ve forced peasants to till the man’s land so they can […]

Wil and Corinne’s Monologues (The Glass House 14/6/06)

Thursday, June 15th, 2006

NON-WARLIKE Australian soldiers fighting in the East Timor conflict have been told they aren’t due combat pay because the conflict isn’t “warlike” enough. Apparently, they’re just “on holiday” with guns. The soldiers are pissed off that they’re not at war – now if they kill someone, it’s just plain old murder. OK, so the East […]

Off-Field Footy Feistiness (The Glass House 14/6/06)

Thursday, June 15th, 2006

Football players of both AFL and NRL codes are taking the biff off-field, with assault charges being laid left right and centre. These guys should know that you’re not allowed to punch the public! Hip-and-shoulder only. Fortunately one fight didn’t progress too far when a New Zealand rugby star broke up a fight by whacking […]

Lamb of Hope and Glory (The Glass House 14/6/06)

Thursday, June 15th, 2006

A new version of Land of Hope and Glory intended to unite the English behind their World Cup soccer team has been recorded by a flock of sheep. Of course you can’t understand the lyrics – those sheep have a really thick accent / they’re always using Cockney rhyming slang. The singing’s not great, but […]

Baby ahoy!

Wednesday, June 14th, 2006

Hi folks, Sorry for the late posting for last week’s Glass House stories but we’ve been a little busy at Chez Holt with a new addition to the household. Born on the 9/6/06, the precocious little 21st century bubba has already begun blogging himself – take a look at his handiwork over here! Cheers Wok

Stole-A-Coaster (The Glass House 7/6/06)

Wednesday, June 14th, 2006

German authorities are baffled after an entire rollercoaster was stolen from a parked truck. Police are on the lookout for a guy with a really bulky overcoat… Police are asking for people to come forward if they’ve seen any suspicious looking Luna Parks suddenly spring up in their area. You have to be this tall […]

Human Petrol Deposit (The Glass House 7/6/06)

Wednesday, June 14th, 2006

When a German woman wasn’t able to pay for her petrol, she left behind her friend as a deposit. Well, it was bound to happen: new friends are less than a dollar twenty a litre! The friend had the last laugh though – the driver had left her with her four-cents-off voucher. She had a […]

Motivation for Immigration (The Glass House 7/6/06)

Wednesday, June 14th, 2006

The new boss of the troubled Immigration Department hires a $1000-an-hour personal motivator to help him do his job. Of course he needs a motivator; it’s such an immoral, cruel, child-hating job, no-one could just do it for the money… “Look, do you think it’s easy locking children up and sending mentally-ill people off to […]

Addictive Theatre (cut from The Glass House 7/6/06)

Wednesday, June 14th, 2006

Melburnians are spending $15,000 funding a radio play written by accused criminals to explore their drug and alcohol addictions. The participants each received $500 cash and as much booze as they could carry. The scheme is a way of building self-confidence and helping the addicts find employment. Because there’s no shortage of positions for playwrights! […]