Archive for July, 2006

Monologue material for Show 200 (The Glass House 26/7/06)

Thursday, July 27th, 2006

PETER COSTELLO’S SCHOOLBOY LARKING Peter Costello admits he was a bit of a larrikin at school, always doing his homework in the last hour before it was due. And to be honest, he copied that last Budget off the guy sitting next to him. Costello admitted he finds it difficult to plan in advance. Shame […]

Bush is the shit (The Glass House 26/7/06)

Thursday, July 27th, 2006

Respectable newspapers across America have published the word “shit” for the first time after George W Bush was caught saying it to Tony Blair at the G8 summit. Respectable parents are dismayed that the New York Times would publish such a filthy word, which is usually only heard in ghettos, bad neighbourhoods and G8 summits. […]

Hogan’s Heroes get zero (The Glass House 26/7/06)

Thursday, July 27th, 2006

Veterans’ Affairs Minister Bruce Billson has said that former prisoners from Nazi prison camps have been undermined by Hogan’s Heroes. The RSL National President agreed that imprisonment under the Germans was not like being at “some holiday camp”. It was more like a really tough study camp. That’s why they were called “concentration” camps… Hah! […]

New look Empire; same old crap

Friday, July 21st, 2006

Hi all, You might have noticed the Media Empire layout’s a bit changed now. The blog’s moved over from running on spam-magnet bBlog to WordPress. The navigation is hopefully also a bit more consistent and straightforward to use now. More changes may come as the mood takes me and time allows. The folks over at […]

Dubya Odds-off for peace prize (The Glass House 19/7/06)

Friday, July 21st, 2006

George Dubya Bush has been ranked a 200-to-1 outsider for the Nobel Peace Prize. It’s not fair – that’s better odds than I’ve got, and I haven’t invaded anyone! Well, not recently… I’m surprised the odds are so bad – after all, no-one’s more peaceful than when they’ve been clusterbombed to death! George Dubya Bush […]

Spider stamp stamped out (The Glass House 19/7/06)

Friday, July 21st, 2006

Australia post have withdrawn a set of stamps featuring red-back spiders due to fears that people might get scared when they get their mail. It also would have provided an excellent hiding spot for real red-backs. It’s a shame really; it would have been great down at the arachnophobic Post Office: “AAAARRRRGGGGH! (postmark violently on […]

Ockerettes (The Glass House 19/7/06)

Friday, July 21st, 2006

New research reveals an increasing trend among Aussie women to get drunk in public, swear and go to the footy. Although it can make it tough to tell if a woman’s pregnant – that might just be her beer gut. These post-feminist women have been dubbed “ockerettes”. No longer confined by feminine stereotypes, the ockerettes […]

Rogues Gallery (The Glass House 12/7/06)

Wednesday, July 12th, 2006

– Kim Beazley squeezes the world’s biggest zit – his head. – “Sure I’ve got a ticker – it’s this bit here, isn’t it?” – Kim Beazley tries out his new stand-up comedy routine: “If you punched me here, I’d be the Opposition Bleeder! Eh? Eh?” – “Hey voters! Here I am!” – “Look! I […]

Wil’s monolgue of laffs (The Glass House 12/7/06)

Wednesday, July 12th, 2006

HOWARD CONVICTING HICKS David Hicks has written to John Howard, describing himself as a “true blue Aussie”, who’s “determined to fit back into society and be a model citizen.” After four and a half years in Guantanamo, Hicks is so desperate to leave that he’s even offered to vote for Johnny. David Hicks has written […]

12 hours notice required for sick leave (The Glass House 12/7/06)

Wednesday, July 12th, 2006

The IR laws continue to cause a stink, with 21 year old mining worker Lorissa Stevens being sacked for refusing to sign an AWA. The mining company’s furious – if only she’d signed the AWA, they could have sacked her for no reason instead… She was sacked from the mining job, which means her chances […]

Aussie democracy for the Arc of Instability (The Glass House 12/7/06)

Wednesday, July 12th, 2006

The Liberal Party and the ALP have joined forces to teach our Pacific neighbours the noble art of democracy. Sign up for The Global Democracy Program and you could turn your bombing and looting villagers into Parliamentarians! The program is aimed at the islands in what the Government calls the “arc of instability”. They’re aiming […]

Give the ump a thumb-pull (The Glass House 12/7/06)

Wednesday, July 12th, 2006

Russian tennis-ball-hitting-person Dmitry Tursunov faces a large fine and possibly suspension after a series of attacks on umpire Fergus Murphy: clubbing the ball at his chair, trying to pull him out of the chair when shaking the ump’s hand, and later comparing him to Saddam Hussein. But at least he’s not a sore loser. At […]

Psychological warfare – Oz style (The Glass House 5/7/06)

Wednesday, July 5th, 2006

A new $51 billion Defence spending plan includes $50 million earmarked for psychological warfare. The other $50.95 billion is being spent on regular bombing-the-shit-out-of-people warfare. One psychological technique being advocated involves putting your gun away, and giving your enemy a cupcake. Who could resist? The psychological warfare includes propaganda and media control. Which strangely enough […]

Swimming in the morning? (The Glass House 5/7/06)

Wednesday, July 5th, 2006

Channel Seven and the Australian Olympic Committee are up in arms about plans to hold the swimming events at the Beijing Olympics in the morning to allow them to be screened in American prime time. But they shouldn’t worry about the ratings dropping; as the World Cup is proving, Australians are always happy to pull […]

The Grumpy Opera House (The Glass Huse 5/7/06)

Wednesday, July 5th, 2006

A global politeness survey has found that Sydney ranks among the rudest cities of the 35 surveyed, well below cities like New York, Paris and Auckland. Yeah, well those dickslaps can get rooted. Anyone who thinks Sydney is rude can go and get farked. Sydney is in general much ruder than other cities due to […]

Silent World Cup (The Glass House 5/7/06)

Wednesday, July 5th, 2006

Buddhist monk patriarch Non Nget has warned Cambodia’s 40,000 Buddhist monks that they risk being defrocked if they make noise or cheer during the World Cup. Lucky Cambodia didn’t qualify and they can remain neutral. Buddhist monks traditionally lead a life of quiet contemplation, which is ideal preparation for sitting out a nil-all draw. (calm […]