Categories
Glass House

Too lazy to do her duty (The Glass House 27/9/06)

A 103 year old woman has been excused from jury duty because it would interfere with her afternoon nap. Really? I think she’s taking this jury duty thing too seriously. Well that’s ironic. I used my jury duty to catch up on sleep. Hey, the guy looked guilty; I didn’t need to hear all that […]

Categories
Glass House

Torture insurance (cut from The Glass House 27/9/06)

CIA agents are taking out insurance to protect them against law suits lodged against them for human rights abuses and torture. Hang on – is this insurance available to Al Qaeda agents too? Because otherwise it’s just not fair. Al Qaeda are taking out similar insurance, to cover claims of torture, human rights abuses, and […]

Categories
Glass House

Monolgue fodder (The Glass House 20/9/06)

VANSTONE VS BEAZLEY Amanda Vanstone has accused Kim Beazley of being racist. She also accused him of being overweight, irritating and wearing ugly dresses. Beazley has backed the Shadow Immigration Minister’s comments on temporary migration workers from “Bombay, Beijing and Beirut” undercutting “Aussie” workers. But he’s not really being racist – it’s more wageist. Kim […]

Categories
Glass House

Wa-Wa and Na-Na (The Glass House 20/9/06)

Channels Nine and Seven are at each others’ throats about Naomi Robson and the Today Tonight crew’s expulsion from Indonesia. Channel Seven claims it was doing the right thing, Channel Nine claims Channel Seven are liars, and Channel Ten responded by replaying an old episode of The Simpsons. Naomi and her crew say they were […]

Categories
Glass House

Pony doping (The Glass House 20/9/06)

The mother of an 11 year old British Show Jumping contestant has been accused of doping rival horses to help her son to victory. What a brilliant plan! Even if he didn’t come first in the field, she could disqualify all the other ponies in the drug tests! Mrs Kim Baudains was seen feeding “mints” […]

Categories
Glass House

Terri Irwin’s Revenge (The Glass House 20/9/06)

A controversial game called “Terri Irwin’s Revenge” has sprung up online. You play Steve Irwin’s wife and shoot stingrays, which fire barbs at you. Every time a stingray hits Terri, she lets fly with a “crikey!” Sure it’s in poor taste, but where else can you set a “croc-bomb” loose to devour a pack of […]

Categories
Glass House

Witch-taxing (The Glass House 13/9/06)

Romanian tax officials are looking to crack down on witches by ordering a census. Witches are outraged. But surely they can just magic up some extra money to pay it? Witches shouldn’t really qualify for tax exemption. Particularly black witches – making a voodoo doll isn’t really charity work. As the Mayor said, “If they […]

Categories
Glass House

Police quiz asks “Are you a psycho?” (The Glass House 13/9/06)

A secret psychological test used by Victoria Police to screen recruits has been leaked via the Internet. The test is used to screen our psychopaths with a series of true/false questions based on the flawless reasoning that psychopaths always tell the truth. Wannabe officers have to answer true or false to a series of propositions […]

Categories
Glass House

Quick officer – to the donkey! (The Glass House 13/9/06)

The South African Minister of Safety and Security has suggested that police officers without access to a car should ride a bicycle or a donkey to crime scenes. “Hurry Constable – to the donkey!” The resource-strapped police force is having difficulty coping with South Africa’s huge rates of murder and rape, among the highest in […]

Categories
Glass House

50 years of TV and this is the best we can do? (The Glass House 13/9/06)

Back in the days when “Big Brother” was in a book, the only “Simpson” we knew had a donkey, and a “remote control” was the Queen, television was born… Aussie TV turns fifty in three days time! And Bert is still the best we can do. TV’s 50 – another ten years and it gets […]

Categories
Glass House

Guilty pleasures (The Glass House 13/9/06)

Music mags have begun discussing “guilty pleasure syndrome”, enjoying songs that you claim to hate. The syndrome’s been around for ages – back in the 18th Century, none of the cool kids were into Fur Elise, but enough absinthe and they’d be all (sing and mime piano) “dodedodedodedooo”… Generally there are three ways to spot […]

Categories
Glass House

Oz’s scariest women (The Glass House 13/9/06)

Men’s mag FHM has published a list of Australia’s scariest women, including Germaine Greer, Naomi Robson and Amanda Vanstone. The list was clearly incomplete though – they didn’t even mention Scary Spice. And Scary Spice wasn’t even on the list. All this time she was lying to us! But Mandy Vandy’s really not that scary. […]

Categories
Glass House

High-rise lifeboats (Trophy cut from The Glass House 13/9/06)

Fears of cyclones hitting the Gold Coast could mean that all new unit blocks could come equipped with compulsory lifeboats. And everyone buying an apartment has to wear floaties at all times. An alternative plan is for everyone to just wear stilts. Why not just build apartments that are boats? You could make them like […]

Categories
Glass House

Monologular jokes for Wil (The Glass House 6/9/06)

JOBBY BONUS The Howard government has offered people in regions of high unemployment a $5000 payment to move to areas with a chronic skills shortage. Howard’s trying to encourage Peter Costello to take up the option – there’s just not that many vacancies in the Parliament House region… A $5000 moving bonus! Move twice a […]

Categories
Glass House

Jumpin’ Jihad Jack & Silly bin Laden (The Glass House 6/9/06)

The federal magistrate who issued the control order on Jack Thomas has described the order’s demand that he not contact Osama bin Laden as a bit “silly”. The order also bans him from contacting Hitler, Satan or Darth Vader. That’s so dumb! If they’d said he could contact bin Laden, we might find out where […]

Categories
Glass House

Rummy warns us of fascists (The Glass House 6/9/06)

Donald Rumsfeld has warned that the US is confronting “a new form of fascism”. A surprisingly honest assessment of his party there… / the Bush administration there. Rummy compared critics of the Bush Administration to Nazi appeasers who wished to negotiate with Adolf Hitler before World War 2. Not that anyone’s actually suggesting we negotiate […]