Archive for May, 2008

$2000 Budget dinner (Good News Week 5/5/08: monologue)

Tuesday, May 6th, 2008

The ALP are selling tickets to sit with ministers at a Budget presentation for $2000 a pop. And they only need to sell 15 million tickets to fund our tax cuts! The ticket to sit next to Brendan Nelson has surpassed all expectations – it’s nearly 3 dollars fifty! Seems like people are willing to […]

Kiddie Kickboxing Klub (Good News Week 5/5/08: What’s the Story?)

Tuesday, May 6th, 2008

A documentary has exposed a vast network of Thai kickboxing clubs for young British kids. There are over 500 clubs throughout the country. Soon it’ll be more or less compulsory, unless you want your child to get set upon by hordes of well-honed kickboxing tikes. So much for pulling hair. And what better way to […]

Olympic food ban (Good News Week 5/5/08: What’s the Story?)

Tuesday, May 6th, 2008

Chinese officials are banning countries from bringing their own food to the Olympic games. And they’re also insisting that the athletes use only Chinese drugs. / And they’re insisting that countries only use Chinese athletes. Of course, there’s nothing you can get in nutritionally-designed energy-bars that you can’t get in dog. Athletes are devastated. Not […]

Catch the baby (Good News Week 5/5/08: What’s the Story?)

Tuesday, May 6th, 2008

While delivering mail, a U.S. postal worker caught a one-year old baby who’d fallen two storeys. She was fine – everyone knows babies like stories. It’s great that she caught the baby. Such a shame she didn’t catch the mum. / But the mum got away. Next time, the baby’s gunna have to try overdosing […]

Citizenship test – the sequel (Good News Week 5/5/08: Border Insecurity)

Tuesday, May 6th, 2008

What is Don Bradman best known for? A) scaring small children B) hitting leather balls with sticks C) hitting small children with sticks What did Don Bradman hit with sticks? A) denim balls B) leather balls C) testicles What was “Phar Lap”? A) a condition caused by too many lap-dances B) a horse C) Phar […]

Respect the body of Christ or I’ll bash ya (Good News Week 5/5/08: What Happened Next?)

Tuesday, May 6th, 2008

Armenian priests have kicked a Greek priest out of the Church of the Holy Sepulchre, and, when police arrived, beat them with palm fronds. No! Not the fronds! With fronds like these, who needs rosaries? Fortunately no fists were used – palms only. It’s obviously a freak event. I’ve never heard of one religion persecuting […]

Ban racqueteering (Good News Week 5/5/08: Strange But True)

Tuesday, May 6th, 2008

A secret list of hand luggage banned from aircraft will be made public after Europe’s highest court granted compensation to a man banned from a flight for trying to take his tennis racquets on board. Admittedly it was John McEnroe. Tennis racquets were on a secret list of banned objects, along with headbands and 70’s […]

Marry a robot – or Be Destroyed (Good News Week 5/5/08: Strange But True)

Tuesday, May 6th, 2008

A Scottish artificial intelligence expert believes that by the middle of the century humans will be having sex with or even marrying robots. If they’ll have us. Being married to a robot wouldn’t be so bad. Unless they were set to “destroy”. Robot spouses have many advantages: they never talk back, they never leave the […]

Good Next Week (Good News Week 5/5/08: closing)

Tuesday, May 6th, 2008

Tues, May 06 The latest meeting of the Reserve Bank will confirm that people think they’re too boring, prompting them to replace the word “Reserve” with “Party Animal”. / rename themselves “Bank In-Your-Face”. Tomorrow’s Reserve Bank meeting will result in another interest rate rise due to inflation caused by the price of Budget dinners. Tomorrow […]