Archive for June, 2008

Very Slow Planes (Good News Week 9/6/08: monologue)

Wednesday, June 11th, 2008

Qantas and Jetstar have admitted that they’re flying more slowly to conserve fuel in an attempt to contain costs. They’re also saving up heaps of those 4 cents off vouchers. Of course, if they really want to minimise fuel use, they can always get the passengers to all just get out and push. To further […]

MPs = More Priuses (Good News Week 9/6/08: What’s the Story?)

Wednesday, June 11th, 2008

Federal MPs may be forced to trade in their luxury Holden Statesmen for green-friendly hybrid Toyota Priuses. Not only will it make the government appear to be personally committed to tackling climate change, but it stops them from getting spat on by Ford barrackers. As further proof of their commitment to reducing greenhouse emissions, from […]

Britney Rotten (Good News Week 9/6/08: Dishing the Dirt)

Wednesday, June 11th, 2008

Johnny Rotten wants to write a song for Britney Spears. It’s called “I’m a drugfucked skanky ho who has to get her songs written by a pratty knob who even in his heyday was a talentless twat”. Ah, it feels so good to say that. Former Sex Pistol John Lydon has said he wants to […]

Beef pollution (Good News Week 9/6/08: Giving Headline)

Wednesday, June 11th, 2008

A new advertising campaign is asking Australians to stop eating steak in order to combat global warming. Or if they have to eat steak, make it a solar-powered steak. Every cow produces 300 litres of methane every day. And I thought wind power was supposed to be the solution! So it’s either eat less meat, […]

Pollute the skies, save the planet (Good News Week 9/6/08: Strange But True)

Wednesday, June 11th, 2008

Now this is a great idea. Tim Flannery reckons that to slow global warming we should fill the sky with sulphur, which will block the sun’s rays, but which might have terrible side-effects, and will change the colour of the sky. How about, instead, we all ride bikes and use solar and wind power? I […]

Good Next Week (Good News Week 9/6/08: closing)

Wednesday, June 11th, 2008

Tues, June 10 Tomorrow’s Centenary of rugby league gala dinner will be attended by whole flocks of galas. At the “Centenary of Rugby League” gala dinner in Brisbane, there’ll be a riot when some of the players discover salad in the buffet. / quiche in the buffet. At the “Centenary of Rugby League” gala dinner […]

Pre-flavoured lamb (Good News Week 2/6/08: monologue)

Monday, June 9th, 2008

Adelaide Uni scientists have found that feeding lamb on different diets can result in a unique tasting meat. Feeding them on garlic gives the meat a richer taste, and feeding them on Extra gives them a freshness burst that really lasts. Adelaide Uni scientists have found that feeding lamb on different diets can result in […]

Buckle up your beer (Good News Week 2/6/08: monologue)

Monday, June 9th, 2008

Alice Springs police have been shocked to discover a man driving a 5-year-old child around with no seatbelt on – but with a case of beer safely buckled up. The man explained that a child can always heal – but when you lose a slab, it’s gone forever. He had a good reason though. He […]

Flight of the Jet-Sparrow (Good News Week 2/6/08: What’s the Story?)

Monday, June 9th, 2008

A Swiss daredevil has flown at over 250k per hour using a home-made jet-glider. He’s like a real-life superhero! Only he can’t carry anything and criminals hear him coming from miles away. He’s like a real-life superhero – for all crimes committed in his flightpath. He’s like a real-life superhero! If you’re committing some sort […]

British X Files (Good News Week 2/6/08: What’s the Story?)

Monday, June 9th, 2008

Secret files about UFOs have been released to the public by the British Ministry of Defence. Not only are the files full of first-hand accounts of alien creatures and strange lights in the sky, but they may explain once-and-for-all the odd behaviour of the Gallagher brothers. / the secret truth behind David Bowie. / the […]

Bush gives up golf for war effort (Good News Week 2/6/08: Warren)

Monday, June 9th, 2008

George W Bush has claimed that he quit playing golf to show “solidarity” with American soldiers in Iraq. Because, when you’re in direct line of fire on the front line in a ground war in a foreign country, one of the very first things you give up is playing golf. (thump chest with fist) Solidarity. […]

Rudd: Suits You Sir (Good News Week 2/6/08: Warren)

Monday, June 9th, 2008

Kevin Rudd hires a stylist. And he still looks like that. / That means his nerd-look is deliberate. He also has someone to help him look good naked. In fact it was the stylist that suggested he go to Scores. It was the stylist that helped Rudd win the election, with their strict policy of […]

Prison Bear (Good News Week 2/6/08: Animal Magnetism)

Monday, June 9th, 2008

A wild bear weighing in at about 180 kilograms has been discovered wandering around in a sprawling New Orleans prison complex. It’s actually part of a secret honey-smuggling racket. Apparently the bear’s been imprisoned for honey-laundering. Not only have there been bears found in the prison compound, but they’re unusually furious ones. Apparently someone ate […]

But for the Graze Of God (Good News Week 2/6/08: Strange But True)

Monday, June 9th, 2008

A California man says he can see the image of the Virgin Mary in his leg after a motorcycle accident. Wear a helmet, kids. Interestingly doctors have confirmed that his leg wasn’t actually injured, but the concussion is still rather nasty. Lipton believes the Virgin Mary protected him from further injury, and refuses to have […]

Good Next Week (Good News Week 2/6/08: closing)

Monday, June 9th, 2008

Mon, June 02 This week sees the UN meeting on climate change, Melbourne’s Going Green expo and World Environment Day. Phew, looks like we’re saved at last. Tues, June 03 Mabo Day will be absolutely mabolous. On Tuesday, the U.S. presidential primaries finish. Hilary will give up golf, but still not the damn campaign. With […]

Tigris Woods (Good News Week 26/5/08: monologue)

Monday, June 9th, 2008

The Pentagon has released plans to redevelop Iraq’s Green Zone into a $5 billion Golf and Country Club. It’s a contingency plan, just in case peace unexpectedly breaks out and they’ve got to find some other way to waste billions of dollars. Finally a way for Iraqis to spend all their excess disposable cash. / […]

Fruit & Veg Rebate (Good News Week 26/5/08: monologue)

Monday, June 9th, 2008

The government is investigating different strategies to combat obesity, including the introduction of a “fruit and vegetables rebate”. Which is a great idea, but turns making a fruit-salad into a fiscal nightmare. / into an accountant’s wet-dream. Now, when someone makes a fruit-salad, it can take a team of accountants weeks to untangle the fiscal […]

Piercing Children (Good News Week 26/5/08: monologue)

Monday, June 9th, 2008

In NSW, they’re outlawing children under 16 getting piercings without a note from their parents. Looks like it’s back to the nailgun for the toddlers. / I guess the kiddies will have to go back to self-mutilation. Children under 16 who want piercings will now need parental approval. So there goes that avenue of rebellion. […]

Dressnapper foiled (Good News Week 26/5/08: monologue)

Monday, June 9th, 2008

A Toowoomba dress-maker has chased down a stolen dress after two months, by infiltrating high-school-formals. Yes, that’s my excuse too. / Weird, we have the very same reason. / I’m still searching for my missing dress, and I’ll keep infiltrating those prom-nights until I find it. Her and her seamstress went to find the frock, […]

Pull my bladder (Good News Week 26/5/08: What’s the Story?)

Monday, June 9th, 2008

A story this week that sounds like total pig’s arse, but is in fact pig’s bladder. A man in the US has had part of his finger regrown from a compound made from powdered pig’s bladder. It’s good to see scientists have finally found a use for all that powdered pig’s bladder… A US man, […]