Archive for August, 2008

The Olympics are not about fun (Good News Week 4/8/08: monologue)

Thursday, August 7th, 2008

In the lead up to the Olympics, Chinese officials have closed down bars and clubs, expelled prostitutes and clamped down on entertainment. Because they want to show the world a Beijing just as dull as the world expects. Because the last thing you want at an Olympic Games is entertainment. In the lead up to […]

Chinese are massive dopers (Good News Week 4/8/08: monologue)

Thursday, August 7th, 2008

Just days before the Beijing Olympics, evidence has emerged of a massive doping trade in China. So the good news is there should be heaps of world records! Well, China may have banned late-night fun, foreign reporters, eating dogs, prostitution, and being black or Mongolian, but at least you can still dope. And, even harder […]

Airline cutlery too heavy (Good News Week 4/8/08: What’s the Story)

Thursday, August 7th, 2008

Airlines are taking drastic measures to save weight and cut fuel costs, thinking even of cutting back on plastic cutlery. Yeah, maybe instead of that heavyweight plastic cutlery they can make knives and forks out of paper. Or feathers. To reduce weight on planes, some airlines are thinking of scrapping their knives and forks, and, […]

Tibet T-shirt pack (Good News Week 4/8/08: What’s the Story)

Thursday, August 7th, 2008

Australian Olympians are being offered a special kit to help them protest against China’s involvement in Tibet. The pack includes a T-shirt bearing the slogan “I support human rights” in English and Mandarin, though it’s unfortunately not bullet proof. The pack includes a T-shirt bearing the slogan “I support human rights” in English and Mandarin, […]

10 year old muscle girl (Good News Week 4/8/08: Giving Headline)

Thursday, August 7th, 2008

A body-building competition has generated controversy when they recently let a bikini-clad 10 year-old girl enter. Community groups are up in arms – body-building could ruin all her chances of being a lingerie model. / body-building could ruin all her chances of looking totally hot. There’s nothing wrong with young girls flexing their abs in […]

Power ballad kills priest (Good News Week 4/8/08: Buzzers of Death)

Thursday, August 7th, 2008

An apt Darwin Award nominee: a Catholic priest died after grabbing a karaoke microphone while dripping wet. Onlookers said they’d never heard such a passionate performance. At first, onlookers didn’t realise he’d been electrocuted, they just thought it was an excellent Ian Curtis impersonation. / Johnny Rotten impersonation. It was bloody good version of “She’s […]

Fun is Just Too Dangerous For Kids (Good News Week 4/8/08: Couch Potato)

Thursday, August 7th, 2008

The sack race has been given the sack and the three-legged race run out of town, with a British primary school dropping the events from a sports day to minimise risk. The egg-and-spoon race is still allowed, despite suggestions that it was unfair on the poor little eggs. / The egg-and-spoon race is still allowed […]

Yes, We Have No Chihuahuas (Good News Week 4/8/08: Strange But True)

Thursday, August 7th, 2008

112 Beijing restaurants have been ordered to keep dog off their menus for the duration of the Olympics so as not to offend Westerners. But that’s why most Westerners go to China in the first place! 112 Beijing restaurants have been ordered to keep dog off their menus for the duration of the Olympics so […]

The Opening Ceremony WILL be fine (Good News Week 4/8/08: Strange But True)

Thursday, August 7th, 2008

China’s Olympics organisers are primed to mobilise an army of up to 37,000 people to ensure that rain doesn’t ruin the opening ceremony. If rain looks like it’s threatening, they all look up at the clouds and blow. FFFFFFFFF! The Chinese Weather Modification Bureau has 37,000 personnel, 30 aircraft, and 6781 anti-aircraft guns. In case […]

Good Next Week (Good News Week 4/8/08: closing)

Thursday, August 7th, 2008

Mon, August 04 Barack Obama turns 47. There’s no way he can be senile enough to be President. It’s 150 years since first game of Aussie rules, and 149 years since they decided it would be even better with a ball. / though back then it was more like Aussie no-rules. Tues, August 05 Tomorrow, […]

And the big news: sharks! (Good News Week 28/7/08: monologue)

Friday, August 1st, 2008

And the big news? Sharks! Friendly, lovable, cuddly sharks! The papers have been full of feel-good stories about the terror of the deep. For instance there was this shark that we humans saved… That’s the last time he’ll be swallowing a poledancer. They only had two choices really – either save the shark and pull […]

Climate change the channel (Good News Week 28/7/08: What’s the Story)

Friday, August 1st, 2008

The government is launching a new advertising campaign to promote awareness of their Carbon Pollution Reduction Scheme. Of course like all government advertising, the ads are 100% content-free. The Government has just launched its new emissions-trading information campaign. It’s a picture of a tree with the words “Emissions Trading Is Good”. Clearly the government has […]

Aussies still sexist (Good News Week 28/7/08: What’s the Story)

Friday, August 1st, 2008

A report has been released showing that Australian women are still subject to sexism and harassment, 25 years after such behaviour was outlawed. Sex Discrimination Commissioner Elizabeth Broderick will hand down the report just as soon as she’s done with the ironing. Well, that’s what you get if you let a woman become Sex Discrimination […]