Archive for November, 2008

Root for the Dole (Good News Week 17/11/08: Spot the Bull)

Thursday, November 20th, 2008

Desperate jobseekers are calling up recruitment officers to say hello, have coffee, or even take them out to expensive lunches. Anything to fill in the day. Desperate jobseekers are calling up recruitment officers to say hello, have coffee, or even take them out to expensive lunches. That way they’ve got something to put in their […]

Our Food Isn’t Actually Food (Good News Week 17/11/08: Blow up your pants)

Thursday, November 20th, 2008

Scientist Dr Peter Dingle says we feed pet dogs more nutritious foods than ourselves, and it’s causing our kids a range of health problems. Not only is it making them fat, but the shine and lustre has really gone out of their fur! Scientist Dr Peter Dingle says we feed pet dogs more nutritious foods […]

Int*rn*t F*lt*rs (Good News Week 17/11/08: Odd One Out)

Thursday, November 20th, 2008

The government is introducing a mandatory Internet filter that critics say will slow the web to a crawl and will result in censorship on a par with that in China, Cuba, Iran and North Korea. Oh, and we’re now going to be called “People’s Democratic Republic of Australia”. The government is introducing a mandatory Internet […]

Ahhhh… that’s a refreshin’ recession (Good News Week 17/11/08: Odd One Out)

Thursday, November 20th, 2008

Industry figures show that in times of economic hardship, beer sales remain strong and sometimes even increase. Ahhh… there’s nothin’ more refreshin’ than a recession. / Ahhh… it’s the recession that’s refreshin’. / Ahhh… that’s a refreshin’ recession. Beer sales remain steady during times of market instability, and actually increase to stockbrokers. / to stockbrokers […]

Deprogram the terrorists (Good News Week 17/11/08: Strange But True)

Thursday, November 20th, 2008

UK prison psychologists are attempting to cure extremist Muslims of hardcore beliefs. They should try reverse psychology: “Looks like you guys have already won the war…” / “You know something really radical these days? Supporting Bush.” UK prison psychologists are attempting to cure extremist Muslims of hardcore beliefs. They should try reverse psychology: “You know, […]

Christian Nymphos (Good News Week 17/11/08: Strange But True)

Thursday, November 20th, 2008

A “Christian Nymphos” website has been set up by a group of wives encouraging others to spice up their marriages without breaking God’s laws. Christian Nymphos! It’s like someone’s been reading my diary… / tapped into my secret dream… Because, not only should Christian wives be “cleaving for their husbands”, but deepthroating for the Lord. […]

Good Next Week (Good News Week 17/11/08: closing)

Thursday, November 20th, 2008

Tues, Nov. 18 Macquarie Bank announces half-year results – apparently, it’s 182 and a half days. On Tuesday, Australia’s top 1000 companies will be announced – and it’ll turn out they’re all owned by multinationals. On Tuesday, Australia’s top 1000 companies will be announced – and they’re all TV pirates! On Tuesday, Australia’s top 1000 […]

Obama totally pwns (Good News Week 10/11/08: monologue)

Tuesday, November 11th, 2008

And the big news? Terrible news. Obama won the election. From what we’ve seen so far, he’s literate, personable, compassionate, peaceable and handsome. We’re going to be out of a job! / He’s erudite, educated, inclusive and charismatic. What does that leave us with? Nigger jokes? / What can we make jokes about when the […]

Aussies Destroy Planet (Good News Week 10/11/08: What’s the Story?)

Tuesday, November 11th, 2008

A new report confirms that Australians have an enormous ecological footprint. But then we do have such enormous ecological feet. / We need to take off our ecological Blundstones and put on our ecological thongs – or just go ecologically barefoot. Australia is ranked fifth worst in the world in terms of our ecological damage. […]

Rudd tries to make Bush look stupider than he is (Good News Week 10/11/08: What’s the Story?)

Tuesday, November 11th, 2008

Kevin Rudd has ended up with vovo on his face after a report that George Bush asked him “What’s the G20?” in a phone call ended up to be somewhat of an exaggeration. Rudd hosed down the suggestion that the leak would make other world leaders wary of speaking with him, saying that they all […]

Become a politician? Are you MAAAAD? (Good News Week 10/11/08: A Thousand Words)

Tuesday, November 11th, 2008

The UK is set to repeal a 450-year-old law barring lunatics and idiots from entering parliament. And at long last the Monster Raving Loony Party will have their day! For the last 450 years, lunatics and idiots have been forbidden from standing for the British Parliament, and have had to remain in the House of […]

Anybody seen a beach? (Good News Week 10/11/08: Strange But True)

Tuesday, November 11th, 2008

In Jamaica, thieves have stolen a beach. Jamaica Beach? Nah mon, someone stole the sand. Jamaica has suffered an unusual theft – they’ve lost an entire beach. Hundreds of tonnes of sand has been stolen from a resort, and, three months later, authorities still have no clues – and no sand. Their only lead is […]

Interdimensional marriage (Good News Week 10/11/08: Strange But True)

Tuesday, November 11th, 2008

A Japanese man is hoping to get a million signatures on a petition to establish a law allowing people to marry cartoon characters. Though not cartoon animals – that would be weird. But it raises all sorts of issues. Can he marry Minnie Mouse? Does she have to divorce Mickey first? And does that qualify […]

Good Next Week (Good News Week 10/11/08: closing)

Tuesday, November 11th, 2008

Tues, Nov. 11 Tomorrow we’ll celebrate the 33rd anniversary of the day Gough Whitlam was given the sack. But for some reason, the day he was given the egg and spoon still remains uncommemorated. Tomorrow is the 90th Remembrance Day. Not sure what that’s about. Tomorrow is the 128th anniversary of Ned Kelly’s hanging. Surely […]

Zinc your number (Good News Week 3/11/08: monologue)

Thursday, November 6th, 2008

Five 14 and 15 year old girls caused a stir on Cronulla beach when they painted their mobile phone numbers on their backs in zinc cream. That way they could give out their number, but without having guys perve on their breasts. / That way they could give their mobile number out to any guy. […]

Walking, talking cameras (Good News Week 3/11/08: monologue)

Thursday, November 6th, 2008

Ipswich City Council are installing portable security cameras with built-in loudspeakers to warn troublemakers. Because a talking camera is a far better deterrent than a real live policeman. Ipswich City Council are installing portable security cameras with built-in loudspeakers to warn troublemakers. Well. They’re not going to get vandalised, are they. Ipswich City Council are […]

Obama billboard (Good News Week 3/11/08: monologue)

Thursday, November 6th, 2008

An anonymous anti-Barack Obama billboard has caused controversy in Missouri. I don’t see what’s racist about it. I mean, he is black. And he possibly does have a head injury. The head-wrap isn’t meant to imply that he’s a Muslim, just that he has some sort of severe brain injury. I liked Obama best when […]

Shock tactics (Good News Week 3/11/08: What’s the Story?)

Thursday, November 6th, 2008

Cops all over the country are going taser crazy! The introduction of tasers by New South Wales police has caused the use of force to suddenly spike. And zap. Critics are concerned that it might indicate a new culture of police violence, but police insist that it’s just a tase… / just a tase they’re […]

Foot-tox (Good News Week 3/11/08: What’s the Story?)

Thursday, November 6th, 2008

Fashionistas with an addiction to high heels are now getting botox injections in their feet. It’s nearly a thousand dollars for the treatment, but it’s cheaper than getting a double foot transplant. Fashionistas with an addiction to high heels are getting botox injections in their feet. Injecting your foot with botox eliminates the need for […]

Sexed-up science (Good News Week 3/11/08: Giving Headline)

Thursday, November 6th, 2008

A recent review of the nation’s curriculum has found that students find science “uninteresting, boring, and irrelevant”. Just like English, history, geography, home economics and maths. / Just like English, history, geography, music and home ec. A recent review of the nation’s curriculum has found that students find science “uninteresting, boring, and irrelevant”. Just like […]