Archive for May, 2009

Finally – Glowing Beagles! (GNW 11/5/09: What’s the Story?)

Thursday, May 21st, 2009

South Korean scientists have used cloning techniques to engineer four beagles that glow red under ultraviolet light. Which makes the dogs easier to find amongst their robot army. The four dogs just look like beagles with red nails and abdomens by day, but glow red under ultraviolet light. It’s really cut down burglary at the […]

TwitchPod (GNW 11/5/09: What’s the Story?)

Thursday, May 21st, 2009

A Japanese inventor has created a remote control for anything that can be controlled by facial expressions. Good. I hate hands. At last I can once and for all get rid of my useless hands. Because fingers are so cumbersome. / Because who wants hands? Because pressing a button is just way too difficult. But […]

Cane-Fu (GNW 11/5/09: Strange But True)

Thursday, May 21st, 2009

Pensioners are embracing a new form of martial art, using their canes for self-defence. It’s known as “cane-fu”, which sounds cooler than “bashing people with your stick”. Cane-Fu: it’s the ancient art of hitting someone with a stick. One technique is to hit attackers with the stick. And that’s about it, really. The cane-fu techniques […]

Common Scents (GNW 11/5/09: Strange But True)

Thursday, May 21st, 2009

American scientists have discovered that women are able to sniff out male underarm odour regardless of the use of deodorant. While men found 19 of the 32 fragrances tested blocked their body odour, women only found it blocked by two. They also have a much more keenly attuned fart-sensor. American scientists have discovered that women […]

Good Next Week (GNW 11/5/09: closing)

Thursday, May 21st, 2009

Tues, May 12 Tomorrow, of course, is the Budget! Apparently the world economy is stuck in a rut, and nothing will budget. Tomorrow is also International Nurses Day! Sick! / That’s totally sick! / Sick mate! Tomorrow is International Nurses Day, hope they enjoy a lovely day before doing double-time to cope with the influx […]

And the big news? (GNW 4/5/09: monologue)

Tuesday, May 5th, 2009

Swine flu! The latest terror sweeping the world! It’s a mutant strain of human, bird & pig flu. Turns out pigs CAN fly – and they’re mating with us in our sleep! Phh. Swine flu? Pigs might fly. But I was always told it was extremely unlikely that swine flu. And the symptoms are “fever, […]

Swimsuit CRISIS! (GNW 4/5/09: What’s the Story?)

Tuesday, May 5th, 2009

The swimming world is in crisis after world records are tumbling to Frenchmen wearing unapproved flotation-enhanced swimsuits. So ladies, be careful with French swimmers – that may not be all their own croissant. You can tell the suits unfairly aid flotation, when you see the swimming coach pull the swimmers down from the ceiling with […]

Beat On The Brat (GNW 4/5/09: What’s the Story?)

Tuesday, May 5th, 2009

An outrage has been caused by Youtube footage of Sydney boys as young as four in a boxing bout. Awww. It’s like Pet Rocky. But I tell you what, their little black eyes are so cute! The kids’ parents have said it’s the last time they have Anthony Mundine babysit. It’s easy to get 4-year-olds […]

You’re right, it’s Mel Gibson (GNW 4/5/09: Warren)

Tuesday, May 5th, 2009

Mel Gibson, the man whose wife is divorcing him because he’s already impregnated his new girlfriend. Although he says it was the Jews. Mel Gibson, the man whose wife is divorcing him because he’s already impregnated his new girlfriend. Although he says it was actually the Lord. Mel’s asked bishops to pray for him because […]

Nothing Shitter Than Rudd’s Twitter (GNW 4/5/09: Warren)

Tuesday, May 5th, 2009

Kevin Rudd’s Twitter posts seem to be even duller than his press conferences. Come on Kevvie, a little less “act decisively to support jobs” and a bit more “how hard is it around here to get a bit of fucking chicken?” But of COURSE Rudd’s tweets are boring! What did people expect? “Kevin is about […]

He may be a violent jihadist – but check out his abs! (GNW 4/5/09: So You Think You Can Mime)

Tuesday, May 5th, 2009

An online magazine has published workout tips for Islamic extremists planning jihad. Because even suicide bombers want to leave a good looking corpse. Well, bits of one. Because if you believe blowing yourself up is a holy cause, you might as well fully embrace being a meathead. Because why should being a braindead meathead be […]

Shove your comedy shoes (GNW 4/5/09: So You Think You Can Mime)

Tuesday, May 5th, 2009

A Russian clown has been told he can no longer wear giant clown shoes in Britain because they pose a safety risk. And that humourous nose could have someone’s eye out. A Russian clown has been told he can no longer wear giant clown shoes in Britain because they pose a safety risk. Plus, that’s […]

Spam destroys world (GNW 4/5/09: Strange But True)

Tuesday, May 5th, 2009

It’s annoying, it’s unwanted, and new research says that internet spam is bad for the environment! Although surely not that much worse than every Twitter comment. / Facebook status update. But seriously – is an unwanted “Pleasure Her All Night Long” really much worse than an unwanted “Fred is about to make a coffee”? Apparently […]

Bald Men Torture Mice (GNW 4/5/09: Strange But True)

Tuesday, May 5th, 2009

Scientists in Japan have created a whole lot of extra-hairy mice. Whatever gets you through the night, eh? A Japanese academic has regenerated hair on mice using embryonic stem cells. Fantastic! Up until now, bald mice had to go to Ashley & Martin. / to go to Advanced Hair – squeak squeak! Fantastic! Up until […]

Good Next Week (GNW 4/5/09: closing)

Tuesday, May 5th, 2009

Tues, May 05 Tuesday sees the outcome of the latest Reserve Bank board meeting: apparently, we’re all doomed! Still! The Reserve Bank board meets again tomorrow. Isn’t it about time they were promoted to the seniors? The Reserve Bank board meets again tomorrow. Sometimes, I really wish they weren’t so reserved. The Reserve Bank board […]