Archive for June, 2009

Good Next Week (GNW 15/6/09: closing)

Saturday, June 20th, 2009

Tuesday, June 16 Tomorrow, Bindi Irwin will be at the Daytime TV Emmy Awards in L.A. Now, I’m not ENCOURAGING a head-shot, I’m just putting it out there. Tomorrow, Bindi Irwin will be at the Daytime TV Emmy Awards in L.A. Where’s a stingray when you need one? / But unfortunately no stingrays have been […]

Pod cars (GNW 8/6/09: monologue)

Wednesday, June 10th, 2009

Abu Dhabi is equipping its new sci-fi style planned city with sci-fi style podcars. The personal rapid transit pods will take up to four passengers to their location via a grid of aerial tracks. If you want to go somewhere off the grid, you’ll have to take the hovercar. / space buggy. At each station […]

Carbon pollution for cash (GNW 8/6/09: monologue)

Wednesday, June 10th, 2009

Australia’s 20 biggest greenhouse gas emitters will receive almost $12 billion in assistance in the first five years of the Government’s modified emissions trading scheme. Because if you’re going to effectively reduce carbon pollution, you have to make sure there’s plenty about to reduce. Australia’s 20 biggest greenhouse gas emitters will receive almost $12 billion […]

Emissions fading (GNW 8/6/09: monologue)

Wednesday, June 10th, 2009

The Government’s Emissions Trading Scheme is headed for defeat in the Senate as Malcolm Turnbull asks that we see what the rest of the world does before we commit. Will it burn, or will it drown? It sure will be fun to find out! The Government’s Emissions Trading Scheme is headed for defeat in the […]

A Million Women (GNW 8/6/09: What’s the Story?)

Wednesday, June 10th, 2009

A new campaign hopes to harness women power to fight climate change. Just get them to gossip at a wind farm! Am I right fellas? The “1 million women” campaign hopes to get a million Australian women to cut their household’s carbon emissions by a tonne over a year. Of course, the easiest way is […]

Lawn wallabies (GNW 8/6/09: What’s the Story?)

Wednesday, June 10th, 2009

More news about Aussies making it big overseas. British gardeners are buying wallabies as pets to trim their lawns. And they are certainly good at that, though not so much at serving tea on it. British folks are getting wallabies as an exotic alternative to sheep. Though god knows how they shear them. Not only […]

Enviro-jargon (GNW 8/6/09: 5 Second Grab)

Wednesday, June 10th, 2009

Environmental groups are thinking of dropping terms like “global warming”, as they tend to drive right-wingers away. Instead, the term will be replaced with “threat to water-front property”. Environmental groups are thinking of dropping terms like “global warming”, “carbon dioxide” and even “the environment”, instead hoping to walk around, flapping their mouths emptily. That way […]

Recessionbet (GNW 8/6/09: Dishing the Dirt)

Wednesday, June 10th, 2009

Centrebet have begun taking wagers on the unemployment figures. At long last you can bet on something you have a vested interest in. Hey, you’ve got to spend your dole on something. Finally – Centrebet and Centrelink can work together! You can actually get a pretty good estimate by counting the number of people in […]

Employees’ sex lives is our business (GNW 8/6/09: Dishing the Dirt)

Wednesday, June 10th, 2009

A German firm has commissioned reports on the sex lives of prospective employees. Probably fair enough for a brothel. German firm Deutsche Telekom has been producing reports on the private lives of prospective employees. Hey, when you run the phone system, who wouldn’t have a bit of a listen. German firm Deutsche Telekom has been […]

Chocopetrol for Vegecar (GNW 8/6/09: Strange But True)

Wednesday, June 10th, 2009

British scientists have developed a car built on fibres from plants and vegetables, and powered by chocolate waste. Driving has never been so delicious! And when two of them crash into each other, it’s not a tragedy – it’s a salad! The vehicle runs on vegetable oils and chocolate waste. What?! There’s chocolate going to […]

Children Chained to Desk (GNW 8/6/09: Strange But True)

Wednesday, June 10th, 2009

Parents of can now buy their slack children a “Study Ball” – a 10 kilogram steel ball-and-chain that can be programmed to remain locked for the required study period. Or until the dishes are done. / Or until those rocks are broken. It’s great for Maths and History, not so great for Phys Ed. Not […]

Good Next Week (GNW 8/6/09: closing)

Wednesday, June 10th, 2009

Tuesday, June 09 Tomorrow’s Queenslander Of The Year award will be decided by most bongs in a row with one match. / decided by a boat race and a game of soggy biscuit. / decided by meat-raffle. Tomorrow, the Queenslander of the Year will be announced! Will it be the Prime Minister, the Treasurer, or […]

And the big news? (GNW 1/6/09: monologue)

Wednesday, June 10th, 2009

North Korea has launched its second nuclear test. Fair enough, why should Pakistan, Israel, Russia, China, Britain, India and the USA have the monopoly on nuclear-armed crazies? / have the nuclear lunacy to themselves? Good to see that though he may be ill, he’s still Kim Jong. A couple of years ago, North Korea had […]

Over-overdraft (GNW 1/6/09: What’s the Story?)

Wednesday, June 10th, 2009

A New Zealand couple have fled the country after a bank mistake turned their hundred thousand dollar overdraft into ten million dollars. Meh, let them have it. After all, it’s only New Zealand dollars. It’s surprising the bank didn’t realise sooner. After all, who’s got ten million dollars in New Zealand? / After all, New […]

Captain Dork (GNW 1/6/09: What’s the Story?)

Wednesday, June 10th, 2009

A British man has decked out his flat as a Star Trek starship. Yep. At least we know he’s got a fully-functional warp drive. And, like characters in the series, he never needs to go to the toilet. Which is lucky, as it’s hard to make your crapper look suitably futuristic. Of course, it’s all […]

Mr Ruddle (GNW 1/6/09: Warren)

Wednesday, June 10th, 2009

Liberal frontbencher Christopher Pyne called Kevin Rudd “Mr Squiggle” but was forced to withdraw the taunt by the Speaker. There’s only one Mr S in this House. But really – is “Mr Squiggle” all that much more offensive than “Mr Speaker”? Well, it makes a change from Mr Sheen. Now I understand why Rudd’s Carbon […]

Counselling MPs (GNW 1/6/09: Warren)

Wednesday, June 10th, 2009

In the same week as the Federal budget, MPs not only voted to give themselves a $4700 pay rise, but also began a new scheme allowing them to get taxpayer-funded therapy. It sure can be depressing to know just how much you are ripping off taxpayers for your counselling. In the same week as the […]

Boyle-over (GNW 1/6/09: Blow Up Your Pants)

Wednesday, June 10th, 2009

British reality singing sensation Susan Boyle has shocked fans with a pair of outbursts filled with four-letter words. You know, words even I can’t say, like “ugly”, “mong” and “huge” “head” “with” “tiny” “face”. Looks like she’ll be a shoe-in for “Britain’s Got Attitude”. / “Britain’s got Tood”. She might’ve swore and ranted, but at […]

Jump! Or I’ll push! (GNW 1/6/09: Strange But True)

Wednesday, June 10th, 2009

A Chinese man held up traffic for five hours threatening to commit suicide, when a man broke through a police cordon, shook the suicidal man’s hand, and pushed him off the bridge. It was the first ever attempt at assisted suicide by bridge. Lai Jiansheng pushed Chen Fuchao off the bridge into a partly-filled emergency […]

The fleeing of the bodybuilders (GNW 1/6/09: Strange But True)

Wednesday, June 10th, 2009

After a spate of positive drug tests in Belgium, the Belgian championships had been moved to the Netherlands. But when the doping officials identified themselves during the weigh-in, the bodybuilders all got up and left. And as word spread, the crowd fled too. When the doping officials arrived, the bodybuilders all left. But it wasn’t […]