Archive for July, 2009

Drug-helmet! (GNW 6/7/09: monologue)

Wednesday, July 8th, 2009

An American doctor has invented a device to ease the trauma of sedating children for operations. The “PediSedate” is a helmet connected to a GameBoy or portable CD player that the child can be entertained by while a mouthpiece administers nitrous oxide gas. Of course, it’s not much help to the kids who are scared […]

Nagging Car (GNW 6/7/09: monologue)

Wednesday, July 8th, 2009

Audi are introducing a new feature to their cars – tips on how to save fuel. Tips include the best gear to be in, not putting your foot on the clutch too early, and avoiding smashing in the annoying bloody dashboard. Unfortunately the power expended in the fuel-saving tips does tend to negate any gains […]

Daredevil scrooges (GNW 6/7/09: monologue)

Wednesday, July 8th, 2009

A British website has collected extreme money-saving tips from people they’re calling “daredevil scrooges”. That’s right, daredevil scrooges! They’re so tight they risk their lives through anal implosion! Ah, daredevil scrooges. They’d be superheroes, if it wasn’t so damn expensive. / if capes weren’t so expensive. / if saving people wasn’t so damn costly. Daredevil […]

Graffiti Tourists (GNW 6/7/09: What’s the Story?)

Wednesday, July 8th, 2009

A Sydney-based graffiti crew have been jailed for defacing trains in London after having graffitied in Australia, Japan, Spain, Italy and Germany. And they say graffiti will get you nowhere! / vandalism won’t get you far! Some people tour the world to see the wonders of the world – and some go to tag the […]

Norman Bates Gets Mum’s Dole (GNW 6/7/09: What’s the Story?)

Wednesday, July 8th, 2009

A 49-year-old Brooklyn man has been charged over impersonating his dead mother to claim her government benefits. At least it wasn’t to have sex with his dad. That would be weird. Footage of the man’s strange behaviour was shown in court, shocking the jury. And the judge shrieked during the shower scene. After the man’s […]

Gambling Rats (GNW 6/7/09: Clash of the Titans)

Wednesday, July 8th, 2009

Psychologists have trained rats to become successful gamblers, before showing how modifying the brain chemistry could make the rats less rational. It was their only hope of winning back their losses. Rats, left to their own devices, quickly learned to minimise their losses and maximise their profits. The scientists then injected the rats with brain-effecting […]

Getaway Cruise (GNW 6/7/09: Strange But True)

Wednesday, July 8th, 2009

In Britain, a gang of jewellery robbers have been caught by police when their getaway driver refused to break the speed limit. He may be a jewel thief, but he’s no criminal! Looks like their hold up was held up. Armed robbery is one thing, but speed kills. For his safe driving, he got 5 […]

Self-milking Cows (GNW 6/7/09: Strange But True)

Wednesday, July 8th, 2009

Coming soon – self-milking cows! Dairy Australia says technology is nearly ready that will allow “voluntary milking”, whereby cows wander into the dairy whenever they choose and get milked by robotic arms. Cows and robots – together at last! Of course treating cows with such respect and freedom is bound to make them much more […]

Good Next Week (GNW 6/7/09: closing)

Wednesday, July 8th, 2009

Tuesday, July 07 In Italy tomorrow, there’ll be a climate change summit with the leaders of the world’s 17 largest emitters. Stinky. / As opposed to the 17 largest-emitting leaders. Tomorrow, leaders of the world’s 17 largest gas emitters will try to hold a climate change summit in Italy, but won’t be able to see […]

Jacko Deado (GNW 29/6/09: monologue)

Thursday, July 2nd, 2009

Michael Jackson is dead. At least, he’s returned to his homeworld. I don’t believe it! Michael Jackson was alive? Poor Farrah Fawcett. Her death was swept off the front page pretty damn quickly. Let that be a lesson – the place to focus your plastic surgery is your heart. Of course we say he died […]

Everybody mustn’t get Stoned (GNW 29/6/09: monologue)

Thursday, July 2nd, 2009

Iran’s parliament is planning on scrapping stoning and hand-amputation, as they’ve now found far more successful ways of oppressing their population. / as semi-automatic weapons seem to work just as well. No stonings? No amputations? They’re taking the fun out of fundamentalism! From now on, anyone caught stoning anyone will have their hand cut off. […]

Obama swats fly (GNW 29/6/09: monologue)

Thursday, July 2nd, 2009

Barack Obama has copped flak for taking pleasure in swatting an annoying fly during a television interview. Give the guy a break. Unlike his predecessor, at least he’s not getting his kicks swatting humans. Although thus far he has been relatively restrained in swatting humans. And if the Iranian conflict continues, he may have to […]

Uteless Politicians (GNW 29/6/09: What’s the Story?)

Thursday, July 2nd, 2009

And the big news? Utegate! Although anyone who knows anything about utes knows that the correct term is “tailgate”. Although now that the ute’s turned out to be a bit irrelevant the media are renaming it Godwin-Grech-Grant-gate. Great. (Or rather, great-gate.) Will someone please shut the gate on this ridiculous suffix “gate”? Unless the scandal […]

Lying Tattoo Face (GNW 29/6/09: What’s the Story?)

Thursday, July 2nd, 2009

An 18-year-old Belgian girl has claimed that, rather than tattooing three stars on her cheek, a tattooist tattooed 56 stars on her face while she slept. Hey, look, she may not have liked it at first, but a 56-star-tatt is bound to help her if she wants to join Heaven’s Angels. She claims she just […]

Super-Honey (GNW 29/6/09: Strange But True)

Thursday, July 2nd, 2009

Researchers have discovered that a health food store Australiasian honey could actually be a cure-all, killing every type of bacteria thrown at it, even those resistant to antibiotics. Which will obviously be fantastic – until the day someone contracts bee flu. It’s obvious, really. When was the last time you saw a bee sneeze? Unfortunately […]

Good Next Week (GNW 29/6/09: closing)

Thursday, July 2nd, 2009

Tuesday, June 30 The inquiry into the 2007 federal election is due to report: Canberra. Turns out The Libs actually won, and Costello should be the PM! Chose the wrong time to retire, eh. Tomorrow, the inquiry into the 2007 federal election is due to report in Canberra – apparently, not only did John Howard […]