Bow-wow-lingual (GNW 17/8/09: Strange But True)

Japanese inventors have come up with a device to translate a dog’s bark into human words. Now if only I had a device that could translate the words from Japanese.

Japanese inventors have come up with a device to translate a dog’s bark into human words. Who would have guessed – turns out dogs speak Japanese!

Unfortunately the instructions are only printed in Dog.

At long last you can throw away your Dog-to-English dictionary!

How hard could it be? All the device needs to know is “I wanna play”, “I wanna eat”, and “Mmm, your arse smells great!” / “Please, let me nuzzle your crotch”. / “I think I’ll lick my genitals”.

Users say the translator is extraordinarily accurate, and that their dogs are mostly saying “Woof”, “Bow-wow” and “Check this out, I can lick my balls”.

Apparently, what they are saying most of the time is “Why have you imprisoned me?”, “Where are my brothers and sisters?”, and “Why did you take away my testicles?”

However, for some reason the Japanese scientists refuse to make an emotional-translator for whales…

The Japanese scientists say the device seems simple, but you wouldn’t believe how many whales they went through.

If only they could invent a device to translate the other way, dog-training could be a thing of the past!

At last, dogs can train their humans.

An answering machine function records the dog’s messages when the owner is absent. Which is really handy if your dog wants to catch up later in the week for brunch.

An answering machine function records the dog’s messages when the owner is absent. Although the messages are mostly “Hello? Where are you?”

The device can distinguish a small repertoire of phrases like “play with me”, and six emotions including sadness, joy, frustration and Goodo-craving. / walkies. (It’s a perfectly valid dog emotion.)

The device can distinguish six emotions, including desire to be fed, the anticipation of being about to be fed, the joy of actually being fed, nostalgia about feedings past, disappointment that you’re not going to be fed again until tomorrow, and wanting walkies.

Advanced models include a setting to translate all barks into the voice of Scooby-Doo.

Of course, with humans creating puns as bad as “BOWlingual”, dogs may very well not WANT to communicate with us.

At last you can get all the benefits of conversation without having to engage with other human beings.

Communication has never been so fluffy!

Of course the “Bowlingual” only translates into Japanese. Which gets very confusing with a German shepherd.

Finally – we’ll be able to understand dogs are saying when they watch us picking up their shit. / we’ll be able to know exactly what derisive names they call us when we’re picking up their shit. / we’ll know exactly what filthy names they call us when we take them to the vets. / we’ll know exactly what they’re calling us when we get them castrated.

It’s great – finally we can carry on a decent conversation with someone who is licking their own genitals.

The device has proved popular in Japan, with the Japanese Prime Minister even presenting a prototype to Russian President Vladimir Putin. But they still couldn’t understand each other.

The device has been selling very well, particularly to cats.

It’ll be great for guide dogs, who at long last can just stand by and bark orders.

Unfortunately, there is STILL no device that can decipher James Reyne.

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