No Sex is Fun! (GNW 17/8/09: 7 Days In 7 Seconds)

A youth group is calling for an end to casual sex. They want it to be full-time.

A youth group is calling for an end to casual sex. They want all sex to be really uptight. / to be performed in dinner jackets and spats. / to have a dress code.

They’re called Restoring Integrity and Sexual Ethics, or RISE. When really, they really should be called Fanatics Loudly Opposing Penetration… / Fanatics Loudly Opposing Penetration, Particularly Youths…

The group is called RISE, though ironically that’s the last thing they want anyone to be doing.

The group wants to push for a debate about the merits of sex before marriage. Which turns out not to be much of a debate – all the people who are married just turn to the young’uns and say “DO IT! For god’s sake do it while you still can!”

The group wants to push for a debate about the merits of sex before marriage. Which turns out not to be much of a debate – on one side there’s those who argue for the sanctity of God’s this and the respect of God’s that, and on the other there’s those with a pantful of hormones and a craving for booty.

The group wants to push for a debate about the merits of sex before marriage. But there’s nothing harder than debating the merits of celibacy with someone who’s balls-deep in sex-hormones that make them want to do nothing but root.

RISE believes that young people want more than just casual sex. Which is true – young people want casual sex and an iPhone.

RISE believes that young people want more than casual sex. Possibly true, but not in the way that they’re thinking…

RISE believes that young people want more than casual sex. Which is why they’re suggesting they are allowed much, much less.

They argue that casual sex is just not enough for young people. But maybe they haven’t tried it on the right drugs! / But maybe they just haven’t tried it with high-enough quality hookers. / But maybe they just haven’t tried it with enough people.

And as far as they’re concerned, oral sex sucks, and anal sex is a pain in the arse.

Although, apparently “sex before divorce” is still okay.

They not only believe that sex before marriage is immoral, but that sex after marriage is frequent.

The group is basically opposed to all sex, everywhere. But if you have to make babies that way, they’ll look the other way.

The group says casual sex is not fulfilling, a conclusion they’ve arrived at after sleeping with as many people as possible.

The group says casual sex is not fulfilling – but maybe they’re just not doing it right. / and it usually isn’t when you’re spending the whole time dwelling on how sin makes baby Jesus cry.

The group say that young people like them are sick of the message that casual sex is fulfilling. The only sex that is truly fulfilling is Jesus-sex. / Though they seem to be under the delusion that it will be fulfilling after marriage.

The call was made at the inaugural National Marriage Day, which was held to mark the fifth anniversary since the Senate passed laws banning gay marriage. Now that’s just plain old RUDE. Surely it should be named “No Marriage Day”?

No gay marriage, no sex before marriage… if these “family groups” get their way, we’re all going to end up like your parents.

The call was made at the inaugural National Marriage Day, which was held to mark the fifth anniversary since the Senate passed laws banning gay marriage. No gay marriage, no sex before marriage… if these “family groups” get their way, the only life you’ll be allowed to lead is the one they’ve mapped out for you.

So if RISE gets its way, it’s basically: get married, or die sexless. Fun! / And then you can get your rocks off in Heaven!

These “family associations” want to recapture sex as something that happens within a holy union. And the rest of us want to recapture the word “family”.

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