Glass House

Llama Llove (The Glass House 15/2/06)

A British charity offered a special deal for Valentine’s Day – a romantic stroll with a llama carrying your picnic lunch. Because nothing says “I love you” like a pack animal that spits.

Perfect for that romantic stroll through the Peruvian Alps.

They use the slogan “get calmer with a llama”. For their other services they use the slogans “get loose with a goose”, “drop your coat with a goat”, “get squishy with a fishy”, “get amorous with a platypus”, “get your nice on with a bison”, “go bananas with piranhas”, “stroll beaches with leeches” or “reignite the sparks with bloodthirsty sharks”. And couples who aren’t doing so well can always “get a divorce with a horse”, or the extra-special “call it quits with lice and nits”.

Contrary to bad press, llamas don’t habitually spit or bite people; they do it for fun.

Contrary to bad press, the charity’s llamas don’t habitually spit or bite everyone – it’s no more than a third of customers.

For a little extra, couples can have a romantic picnic with the Dalai Lama. Although his bite is still pretty nasty.

Several terrorist couples have left disappointed; instead of a llama, they thought they were going on a romantic dinner date with Osama.

For true romantics the llamas are also sold in bunches of twelve. Just stick them in a little water and they can last for up to a week.

Unfortunately it has backfired in a couple of instances where the girl has decided she actually prefers the llama to her boyfriend. “Did Kevin ever make me a cardigan out of his own wool? I don’t think so!”

Last year I bought my love a llama. Well, I thought it was a llama. Turned out it was a baby giraffe wearing a poncho.

According to the organisers, participants can enjoy “a romantic picnic afterwards – carried by the llamas in their backpacks”. Maybe I’m crazy, but carrying around llamas in a backpack all day isn’t my idea of a romantic time out.

For those who want to recreate the experience at home you can sex up your bedroom with a seductive Llama Lamp.

All this exposure to romance has raised some llama’s standards; nowadays not many llamettes will rut for anything less than a dozen roses and a bottle of French champagne.

Some llamas have taken to their new roles as lady-killers to heart. In fact one of the llamas from the charity has become a rapper – LL Am A.

The llama dates are part of a charity for the disabled. So far they’ve raised two amputees and a spazzy.

By Wok

Warwick Holt is a highly experienced, award-winning screenwriter, who has written for many of Australia’s top comedians and presenters, and the Emperor of this here Media Empire.

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