Collins class canned (GNW 17/8/09: monologue)

The Defence Dept. is calling for design submissions for the navy’s next generation of submarine, to replace its Collins Class boats. And this time, they’re even going to LOOK at them.

Ah, the Collins Class – the underwater capability of a sack full of kittens, with the good looks of a dugong. But at least it was expensive!

Sure, the Collins Class subs have the underwater capability of a sack full of kittens, and the good looks of a dugong. But then again, luckily, we haven’t had that many urgent submarine battles in the past 200 years.

It’s a potential $25 billion contract, the govt’s largest ever military purchase, with the subs forming a crucial part of the nation’s future defence force. You know, to defend us against all those al Qaida mermaids. / all those fish that have joined up with al Qaida. / all those jihadist squid.

The new submarines will be capable of launching mini-subs, which in turn will be capable of delivering Subway sandwiches. So the $25 billion won’t be totally wasted.

The contract will be Australia’s largest ever military purchase. And why not? After all, the enormous expense of the Collins Class subs has proven such a great investment – we’ve had no Prime Ministers disappear beneath the waves since!

It’ll be money well spent. We need to buy something that can sink the Collins Class subs.

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