Roadkill Dinner Parties (GNW 24/8/09: Strange But True)

A British man has begun holding exclusive dinner parties where the only meat served is roadkill. Just a suggestion – steer clear of the trifle.

He says he first got the idea when he ate some McNuggets.

But it’s not like he just scrapes a dead thing off the road and pops it on a plate! He makes sure he blows on it first.

Not only does he only eat roadkilled meat, he only eats hit-n-run vegetables.

And when he runs out of food, he just gets pissed and goes for a drive…

It is a lot more humane than the current meat industry, but abattoirs are keen to change all that. Many slaughterhouses are now replacing their bolt-through-the-head machine with a clapped out Mitsubishi.

But of course eating roadkill is more humane than raising animals in a concrete cell knee-deep in their own shit! But it’s a bit hit and miss.

And for dessert, he insists on only eating icecream that has been trampled by pigs. It’s just his way.

The dishes aren’t going to be to everyone’s taste. But if you don’t like it, I wouldn’t mention it – he’s got an itchy bull-bar and a menu that needs filling.

But who would want to eat fox cubs? Obviously apart from the royal family.

Of course many Britons find the idea of eating fox cub roadkill abhorrent. They should only be eaten peppered with shot.

Though if your tastes don’t stretch to rats, fox cubs or hedgehogs, it doesn’t mean you can’t attend one of Jonathan’s parties. Just first make sure to plough your car through a battery farm.

He says he eats roadkill almost exclusively, as he objects to battery farming. Except by car batteries.

But it’s not so different from a battery farm. Being run over still constitutes battery. And it’s battery-powered.

He’ll do all the catering, but if you want to contribute, try to run over something on the way.

He’ll do all the cooking, but please, BYO stinking carcass.

He’ll do all the cooking, but he does expect his guests to run over a bottle of wine on the way over.

Unfortunately you can only have wine if someone runs over a vineyard.

He likes to start each meal with a selection of appe-tyres.

He likes to start each meal with a selection of hors d’ouvres. Sorry, no, that’s “horse doovers”.

If the sounds of rat, fox cub or hedgehog don’t sound like your thing, try to run over a pheasant on the way.

Of course, if you don’t have a car, he encourages you just to make up for it with a baseball bat.

Hedgehog casserole is a popular offering – it’s the only dish that kebabs itself. / It comes with its own toothpicks!

It’s the only dinner party where you are expected to eat a dead animal’s skidmarks. …I hope.

Eating roadkill does mean he doesn’t have to worry so much about other things. Like what to do for dinner, or driving carefully. / or trying to avoid hitting animals in his car.

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