Super-Space-humans (GNW 24/8/09: monologue)

China has released a list of 100 rules that people will have to comply with in order to be considered “super-human” enough to be an astronaut. Well, you are going to have to fly faster than a speeding bullet.

Bad breath, body odour, tooth cavities, runny noses, and scars are all on the list. But interestingly, they left out overbearing ego.

Not only are they not allowed to have offensive breath or B.O., but their shit needs to smell like rosepetals.

They need to be friendly, pleasant and adaptable, without any body odour, tooth cavities or scars, and with no history of illness in the family for the last 3 generations. Oh yeah, that’s right – and they also need to be able to FLY A SPACESHIP.

The 100 point checklist includes being friendly, pleasant and adaptable, not having any body odour, tooth cavities or scars, not having any serious illness in the family for the last 3 generations, and not being Tibetan.

Not only must they be inoffensive to smell, and friendly and adaptable in personality, but they need to be proficient at whipping up a Number 46 with special fried rice.

You’ve also got to have a pleasant and adaptable disposition. So you can forget being a taikonaut if you’re taikonaughty.

And if the mission is a success, they’ll launch all the smelly, scarred, toothless flu-ridden humans on the next mission – to deepest space. / to the centre of the sun.

According to Chinese propaganda, the USA only pick their astronauts from among the angriest, ugliest, stinkiest bargearses on the planet. Or as they call them, “Americans”.

Of course, American astronauts have no such rules. US shuttles are basically 110 thousand kilo dutch ovens.

China are keen to get their space program up and running as soon as possible. They need the room.

The Chinese Government is keen to make their own spacestation. They’re desperately running out of room on Earth.

Of course China has need for a space program – they’ve run out of space.

The Chinese Government’s shuttles are also unique. They’re the only spacecraft powered by burning Falun Gong members. / burning Tibetan monks.

It’s only thanks to careful screening like this that we didn’t end up with the immortal words: “One small step for man, jeez Buzz, you pong!” / jeez Buzz, don’t you have a mint?”

Wives have to approve of all taikonauts going into space. So there goes the option of blasting off for a bit of “me time”.

Wives have to approve of their taikonauts going into space. Many of them have been waiting for some way to jettison their husbands into space for a long long time.

They have high hopes for their space program. The dark side of the moon looks like a great place for Tibetan monks.

So these people are superhuman already – and now they’re being given the power of interstellar flight? This won’t end well.

You’re also not allowed to have scars that may “burst open” in space. They’re not having a repeat of that unpleasantness with John Hurt.

Yeah, the last thing you’d want aliens to think is that humans have garlic breath.

Of course, the taikonauts need to be superhuman – their spaceship is a total piece of shit.

Fair enough on the smells though – when you’re trapped in a space shuttle with someone, it’s a bit hard to tell them to get some mints or deodorant.

They’re also banning taikonauts who have scars, just in case they “burst open” in space. So if you skimmed your knees in the playground, your dreams of space travel are rightly over.

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