China the bully (GNW 24/8/09: monologue)

There’s a new bully in town. And that bully’s name is China. They’re holding Australia’s head in the toilet & flushing. And if you’ve ever used a Chinese toilet… well, it’s not pleasant. / Although if it’s a Chinese toilet, we’ll be lucky if it does flush.

We sell them iron ore, we help them become a modern country, instead of 1.3 billion peasants controlled by
a few hundred old men with badly-dyed hair. And yet, when we don’t want them to own large chunks of OUR country, they lock up our mining executives. Which should be our job, really.

Of course, China may have locked up our mining executives, but now WE can’t.

Of course, China may be locking up our mining executives, but without them we aren’t able to… um… what is it they do again? / um… executify the mines. And I’d like to see them get their iron ore then!

Stern Hu & 3 others have now been held for 5 weeks without charge by “The National Administration for the Protection of State Secrets”. The Chinese Government takes their secret lemon chicken seasoning VERY seriously.

Stern Hu & 3 others have now been held for 5 weeks without charge by “The National Administration for the Protection of State Secrets”. Surprisingly, the existence of such a department isn’t a state secret.

You’ve got to love China. They may be brutal despotic bullies, but at least they don’t really pretend otherwise. Except to their people.

Then again – these guys are mining bosses. China’s just trying to keep the trash off the streets. / China’s just putting the eco-criminals where they belong.

Officials have also used terms like “traitors” & “espionage warfare”, signalling China may be embarking on a campaign of intimidation against foreigners – or as they prefer to call them, “the unChinese”.

In China, “state secrets” could mean almost anything. For all we know, Stern just checked his email. / tried to Google something.

In China, “state secrets” could mean almost anything. They’re defined by “a blurry & shifting line” – of whatever the Chinese leadership is snorting at the moment.

Australia is starting to look like China’s battered spouse. But we want to stay with them, because they really do love our minerals.

Don’t be fooled by the rocks that we got,
We’re just, we’re just Aussies on their cocks.

Stern Hu’s predecessor said Chinese “state secrets” are defined by “a blurry & shifting line”. So it’s probably safest not to do anything too… anything.

Stern Hu’s predecessor said Chinese “state secrets” are defined by “a blurry & shifting line”. It’s probably best just to give yourself in to the cops now.

China claims to have evidence that Hu had engaged in stealing state secrets and bribery on a huge scale. Admittedly, they had previously claimed that Rio had improperly gained an amount far larger than Rio’s total global sales and China’s total iron imports. Presumably that was one of those state secrets.

The Melbourne Film Festival wanted to show a documentary about an activist, China protested. It’s a topsy turvy world when the activists are being protested by the establishment. / when the superpower is protesting the single activist.

The Melbourne Film Festival wanted to show a documentary about an activist, China protested & hacked the festival’s website – however, the publicity generated ended up on thousands of people attending the screening. China still claims it was a victory, as over a billion of their people didn’t attend.

China hacked the website of the Melbourne Film Festival and demanded the cancelling of speeches by exiled Muslim leader Rebiya Kadeer, who they claim is a terrorist. Well, how would we feel if they invited Osama to attend a screening of an al-Qaeda doco? Grateful, possibly, that someone knew where he was.

The National Press Club in Canberra invited that activist to speak. China demanded the address be cancelled. After all, they might have be the biggest nation on Earth, with trillions of dollars and a huge military, but she’s got THE TRUTH.

China hacked the Melbourne Film Festival’s website to try to stop them screening a documentary about Muslim leader Rebiya Kadeer. They’ve heard rumours about these so-called ‘documentaries’ – they’re like propaganda but with facts!

China says she’s a terrorist. Australia says she’s a 63 year-old grandmother. But then again, there’s a lot of people who love bin Laden too.

China says she’s a terrorist. Australia says she’s a 63 year-old grandmother. Like that lovely Moran lady.

There’s an old Chinese saying: “Kill the chicken to scare the monkey.” In other words, you punish the weaker enemy, Australia, to frighten the stronger one, America. Of course, there’s also another old saying: “The prudent man avoids the monkey who has nukes.” / “Don’t mess with a nuke-toting monkey.” / “The wise man doesn’t poke the monkey with the world’s largest nuclear arsenal”.

There’s an old Chinese saying: “Kill the chicken to scare the monkey.” In other words, you punish the weaker enemy to frighten the stronger. Australia is the chicken, and we all know who China’s real enemy is: the Chinese.

Unfortunately, monkeys are actually more likely to nab the dead chicken and run. Either way, it seems we’re dead.

China are possibly bullying Australians to send a message to their major opponent: America. And that message is presumably “cut the Aussies loose”.

One theory is that China are bullying Australia to send a message to America. Clearly their phone’s not working. / Maybe their internet’s down. / What’s wrong with just writing them a letter?

The Chinese are hoping that if they kidnap enough mining executives, they’ll be able to mine their own iron. Or at least melt down the prisoners.

Just after Rio Tinto rejected a $25 billion bid by a Chinese govt-controlled company, China miraculously discovered an Australian Rio executive had been spying & stealing state secrets. If the Chinese government can’t own Rio Tinto itself, at least they can collect its executives.

These days, Chinese burns are mostly delivered by electrode.

Of course China is also a world industry leader in technology. You don’t want to see the damage caused by a 21st century Chinese burn.

Kevin Rudd would deliver a stern warning to the Chinese leadership, but unfortunately his grasp of Mandarin only extends as far as “sycophantic diplomacy”.

Kevin Rudd says he’s going to tell China to pull its bloody head in, as soon as he’s done polishing its balls.

Kevin Rudd has reacted by standing up to China and forcefully telling them “Hey, stop that! Oh, okay, no, go ahead. Sorry.”

Kevin Rudd has been careful to be diplomatic in dealing with the Stern Hu case. For Rudd, it’s more like “Who’s stern?”

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