Good Next Week (GNW 31/8/09: closing)

Tuesday, September 01
Tomorrow’s the first day of Spring, so everyone – raise a glass of Claratyne! / hayfever medication!

Tomorrow’s the first day of Spring, so everyone – time to sacrifice those virgins!

Tomorrow’s the first day of Spring, but that doth not make one swallow. Just ask my wife.

Tomorrow’s National Wattle Day – wattle you do to celebrate?

Tomorrow’s National Wattle Day will be followed by National Daub Day. / Dulux day.

Canberra will host the World Mountain Bike Championships, despite having no real mountains, streets that are hellish to navigate, and not having any champions. / and being full of losers.

Canberra hosts the World Mountain Bike Championships, but you’re not fooling anyone, Canberra. / for mountain bikers who like the challenge of a flat pre-planned city with rigidly-enforced road rules.

Canberra hosts the World Mountain Bike Championships, right around Lake Hurley-Burley Griffin.

Things will go horribly wrong for the World Mountain Bike Championships in Canberra when the place is over-run with gangs of violent Mountain Bikies.

A book called, “In Vogue: 50 Years Of Australian Style” will be released, covering all major Aussie fashion points, from stubbies to budgie-smugglers.

A book called, “In Vogue: 50 Years Of Australian Style” will be released tomorrow. Well, they’re CALLING it a book – it’s a single piece of paper with a picture of a blue singlet on one side and a pair of Blunnies on the other.

Renowned atheist Richard Dawkins will release his new book “You’re All Dickheads”. / “Christians are Dickheads”. / “Jesus Was A Monkey And You’re A Stupid Git.” / “Actually, No I Was Wrong, Hallelujah!”

Renowned atheist Richard Dawkins will release his new book, “The Easter Bunny Delusion”.

Renowned atheist Richard Dawkins will release his new book, called “Why You Turned Out So Dumb”.

Renowned atheist Richard Dawkins will release his new book. And he’ll keep on releasing books until the religious just admit they’re wrong. / until he sees the light, and lets Jesus into his heart.

Tuesday’s release of Richard Dawkins’ new book will be quickly followed by a book-release from the Vatican, called “The Dawkins Illusion”.

“G-Force”, the best movie ever made about crime-fighting guinea pigs, will be released on Tuesday, causing a massive upsurge in guinea-pig-related street violence.

The makers of “G-Force”, the best movie ever made about crime-fighting guinea pigs, will hope that its release on Tuesday won’t end up with a surge of guinea-pig copy-cats.

Wednesday, September 02
National Literacy & Numeracy Week starts on Sebmepter the Squiggly.

National Literacy & Numeracy Week will begin on Septober the Twoth. Ooh, that’s this Nedwesday!

In Sydney for Wednesday’s Indigenous Literacy Day, a concert called “Busking For Change” will unfortunately only raise change. And they thought they were being so clever.

Wednesday’s ‘National Body Image & Eating Disorder Awareness Week’ will get off to a bad start when the special international guests turn out to be the Olson twins and Amy Winehouse.

Wednesday’s ‘National Body Image & Eating Disorder Awareness Week’ will reassure anorexics that, no, eating is not a disorder.

Sydney will host the 2009 world conference on the business of sport. One of this year’s big conclusions: apparently it’s better for business if you win.

Sydney will host the Natural Health conference & expo, where the heady scent of eucalyptus and echinacea will mingle with the coughs and sniffles of inadequately-cured disease.

Melbourne hosts the Children’s Health conference, and most attending will admit they only came for the lollypop at the end.

The National Press Club plays host to winemaker Wolf Blass. It should be a blass. / Have a glass of Blass and Blass’ class should blast past.

Winemaker Wolf Blass will address the National Press Club, so for once the journos will be able to excuse their drunken lunch as “research”.

On Wednesday, the National Press Club will play host to winemaker Wolf Blass, where he will reveal his name is actually Herman.

Wednesday’s hosting of winemaker Wolf Blass at the National Press Club will go horribly wring when someone rips his head off and decants him.

Winemaker Wolf Blass will address the National Press Club over a good few dozen bottles of piss.

On Wednesday, the National Press Club will play host to winemaker Wolf Blass, who will reveal to the world his new ‘Werewolf Blass’, which tastes full and muscular, with a great nose, but is only good during a full moon.

On Wednesday, Mick Keelty will step down as head of the Federal Police. He is now officially the shoulders.

Thursday, September 03
Thursday is Australian National Flag Day. They also celebrate this day in England, but just in the top left hand corner.

Thursday is Australian National Flag Day. Yes, apparently there is such a thing.

Thursday is Australian National Flag Day. Celebrate by doing what English people do on Union Jack Day, but much smaller and surrounded by a few stars.

John Farnham’s tour will hit Sydney. …I could’ve sworn he died years ago. There you go.

Malcolm Turnbull will be at the National Press Club. Free tomatoes at the door!

Malcolm Turnbull will be at the National Press Club on Thursday – the day after winemaker Wolf Blass. Now that’s a hell of a hangover.

Friday, September 04
Friday is Footy Colours Day, so support children with cancer by wearing the jumper of their favourite meathead!

Friday is Footy Colours Day, so dress in black and blue.

The Ballarat International Foto Biennale proves that Ballarat’s so slow, it’s at its best when it’s completely frozen in time.

Saturday, September 05
Saturday is the Australian Defence Charity Ball in Brisbane! Those crack precision war troops sure know how to flounce!

The Socceroos will play Korea in a “friendly” in Seoul, followed by North Korea in a “not just unfriendly, but potentially nuclear”.

It’ll be 25 years since capital punishment was finally abolished in Australia. Such is life.

It’ll be 25 years since capital punishment was finally abolished in Australia. So what are we meant to do with Kyle now?

Monday, September 07
National Blood Donor Week begins – plasmarific! / plastacular! / plasmagnificent!

Next Monday, National Blood Donor Week begins! Expect lots of young people dressed in black with fringy haircuts cutting themselves to donate blood – or as they’re better known, Haemos.

In Canberra on Monday, it’s the national homebirth rally – show your support by staying home!

In Canberra on Monday, the national homebirth rally will go terribly wrong when people show their support by rallying at home.

Next Monday, the inquiry into reforming the citizenship test will report in Canberra. They’re thinking of dropping the mulesing. / the yacht race. / the dwarf-tossing.

In Canberra, the inquiry into reforming the citizenship test will report that they’re ditching all the questions and introducing a hand-ball competition. / scrapping the written part and replacing it with a meat raffle.

In Canberra, the inquiry into reforming the citizenship test will report that they’re reducing it to one single question: “Are you a racist?” (If you answer “yes”, you’re in!)

Brisbane will host the Australasian Sexual Health conference. Apparently there’s something wrong if you’re pissing brown.

Brisbane will host the Australasian Sexual Health conference, which is a great place to score some healthy porn. / score some porn that’s good for you!

Leave a Reply