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Glass House

Assault by light tap on the shoulder (The Glass House 22/2/06)

Australian tourist Pauline Clayton has escaped with a minimal fine after pleading guilty to assaulting a Texan woman by tapping her on the shoulder. The court case was a fiery affair; the woman later charged the stenographer with multiple counts of aggravated assault on her stenograph.

The incident occurred during a screening of Brokeback Mountain when the Texan woman wouldn’t stop talking on her mobile. When Ms Clayton tapped her on the shoulder she went beserk, swearing and storming out of the cinema. They sure breed ’em shy in Texas…

Hearing about the incident, George W Bush declared that Ms Clayton had a “rogue digit” and was probably hiding “fingers of mass destruction”.

Texas sure has liberalised since Dubya’s days as Governor – back then, a tap on the shoulder got you the chair!

Ms Clayton is now taking the Texan woman to court, charging her with being a stupid fuck.

In Texas, you can tar, you can feather, you can lynch – but NO TOUCHING!

In Texas, if you blow someone a kiss you can be charged with rape.

Texan justice: obliterating cities is OK, but don’t you dare tap someone on the shoulder!

Ms Clayton said she wanted to “hug and kiss” the judge after the verdict was handed down, but that would have gotten her the death penalty…

The Texan has explained that she’s not usually so easily provoked; it’s only in gay cowboy films that she objects to being touched by strange women. It arouses confusing feelings in her.

Texans generally don’t touch each other. They go straight for the pistol.

Ms Clayton is now coming back to Australia and said the first thing she’d do would be to go to church to pray and give thanks. Second thing was to get that stupid Texan fuck-knuckle lynched.

Texas Prison now has an entire wing for tap-dancers… although they call them “assault dancers”…

Her mistake was tapping the Texan on the shoulder. She should have just done a Dick Cheney and shot her in the face.

Gotta love America. The only country where tapping someone on the shoulder can get you charged with assault, but you can get away scot-free with shooting someone square in the face…

By Wok

Warwick Holt is a highly experienced, award-winning screenwriter, who has written for many of Australia’s top comedians and presenters, and the Emperor of this here Media Empire.

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