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Glass House

All the news that’s fit to blab (The Glass House 22/2/06)

DEAD CENTRELINK

Centrelink has agreed to overhaul its records after an audit found almost 1.5 million of its clients are dead. No wonder they’re unemployed…

Bloody dole bludgers, lying around all day, decomposing…

Rather than correct the mistake, Centrelink are launching a new initiative: “Rot For The Dole”.

Apparently half of the people who work at Centrelink are also dead. Or maybe they just look that way.

After removing 1.5 million dead people from their books, Centrelink discovers that Australia has 0% unemployment, and anyone who fills out a Dole Diary must be just a figment of their imaginations… or a ghost.

With the news that Centrelink has 1.5 million dead folk on their books, the unemployment rate has plummeted as thousands are quickly employed in the data deletion sector…

Centrelink’s new slogan is “support the system that supports the dead”.

U.S / IRANIAN DEMOCRACY

The Bush Administration plans a massive propaganda campaign to confront the Iranian government’s policies and support democracy groups inside Iran, conveniently forgetting that it was thanks to democracy that the current Iranian government got in. Maybe if they have another election they can elect a US-friendly dictator instead…

The Bush administration is planning to spend $100m to promote political change in Iran by boosting U.S. TV & radio broadcasts to the country. Coz there’s nothing that’ll get the people’s blood boiling like a double episode of Everybody Loves Raymond.

Sure, Iran already has a democracy. But they need extra democracy!

Sure, Iran already has a democracy. But not enough American TV!

They’re going to bring democracy to Iran the same way the brought it to Iraq – by dropping lots of bombs. And they’ll keep doing that until the Iranians vote for someone they like.

Bringing democracy to a democratic country… is that like bringing all your WMD’s into a country that doesn’t have any?

The Bush administration is planning to spend $100m to promote political change in Iran. They demand more democracy, more freedom for the people, and a leader with a catchier name (than Mamoud Ahmadinejad).

Dubya said, “Sure is easier to say Saddam!”

ASIO CAN TAP YOUR PHONE

Australian security agencies get the power to tap the phones of innocent civilians. Though I’m sure if they listen long enough they’ll be able to find everyone guilty of something.

Australian security agencies get the power to tap the phones of innocent civilians. Though I’m sure if they listen long enough they’ll be able to find someone guilty of something.

Australian security agencies get the power to tap the phones of innocent civilians. Also new powers to intercept carrier pigeons and redirect smoke signals.

ABBOTT LOSES RU486 CAMPAIGN

Parliament votes to take control of RU486 out of Tony Abbott’s hands. Abbott vows to fight a new campaign to control sales of contraceptives, lube, and Barry White albums.

Abbott loses RU486 battle and despairs: if it had’ve been available back when he was young he could have aborted a child that wasn’t even his…

WHEN DICK SHOT HARRY

Dick Cheney’s friend Harry Wittington suffers a heart attack as a result of the shotgun wound Cheney gave him. If that’s how he treats his friends, I’m not surprised he bombs his enemies…

Dick Cheney regrets shooting his friend and Republican Harry Wittington. “I thought he was a Democrat!”

Dick Cheney said shooting his friend in the face and heart was the worst day of his life. “Although the day I helped illegally invaded Iraq and slaughter its civillians was also pretty bad.”

Dick Cheney said he was so upset about shooting his friend in the face that he had to invade somewhere just to get through the day.

WHALE MEAT AGAIN

Japan has so much whale meat, it’s using it for dog food. But only scientific dog food.

GREEN PAMELA ANDERSON

Pamela Anderson tours Australia as “green M&M representative”, and Eminem tours as “green Pamela Anderson representative”…

CRAPPY ARMY GEAR

Australian troops complain about crappy equipment like glow-in-the-dark camo gear. Defence Minister Brendan Nelson defended it as “great for hiding in radioactive swamps” and “perfect for the War on Venus!”

STARVIN’ SADDAM

Saddam goes on a hunger strike. Apparently he hates the Baghdad Maccas New Taste Menu…

BUY OUR WHEAT

Nationals leader Mark Vaile to lead a trade delegation to Iraq to plead with them to keep buying our wheat. He promised the Iraqis that he’ll “make it worth your while… eh? Eh?” (nudge nudge wink wink)

Mark Vaile goes to Iraq to plead for AWB contracts there. Although he’s never had anything to do with any such contracts previously, nosiree. Saddam who?

BALI NINE APPEAL SENTENCE

The Bali 9 appeal their sentences, at the risk of landing harsher ones. Instead of a mere death sentence they may be sentenced to being eaten by killer ants.

GAY PORN P.I. VS TOM CRUISE

Diana’s biographer Andrew Morton is using a gay porn star turned P.I. to investigate Tom Cruise’s private life for a “warts ‘n’ all” book. Although I’d rather read a warts’n’all bio of the gay porn star turned P.I….

If he wanted to get all the dirt on Tom Cruise, he should’ve used a sci-fi writer turned messiah…

HOWARD IS STIMULATED

John Howard finds his job “more stimulating than ever. It takes a real stud to fuck a whole country!”

PORN TAX CLAIMS

Under new rules issued by the ATO, strippers & prostitutes will be allowed to claim condoms, lubricants, tissues, lingerie, exotic dancing lessons, damaged bondage equipment & “apparatus” as deductions. John Howard says it’s “more stimulating than ever”…

I wanna watch them do their negative gearing…

For extra you can watch the prostitutes “mass-rebate”.

KILL OUR CHILDREN

Defence Minister Brendan Nelson says school kids are being “actively discouraged” from joining the armed forces by teachers & guidance counsellors. “If teachers don’t want to kill our children, who will?”

Defence Minister Brendan Nelson says school kids are being “actively discouraged” from joining the armed forces by teachers & guidance counsellors. Don’t they know about the overpopulation problem?

PACKER PROTESTS

Six protestors at Kerry Packer’s memorial service were arrested. Only people who’d been invited were allowed to celebrate his death.

ABU GHRAIB II

The release of more Abu Ghraib photos causes Iraq’s Human Rights Minister to ask the US to hand over all their Iraqi prisoners. But the US refused, scoffing “Who ever heard of a Human Rights Minister”?

“You can have ’em when we’re through torturing them. I mean, questioning them.”

DELINQUENT ELEPHANTS

Elephants are evolving into malicious man-killers. Apparently because humans have hunted most of the adult elephant population there are now roaming gangs of “teenage delinquent elephants”. And tailors are finding it hard to keep up the demand for enormous leather jackets…

You don’t want to meet an orphan elephant. When they ask for “more” you’d better give it to them…

SPAMMER WINS GOLD FOR OZ!

A spammer took out a Gold Medal for Australia at the Winter Olympics, forcing the Australian public to reluctantly declare him a “Canadian”…

By Wok

Warwick Holt is a highly experienced, award-winning screenwriter, who has written for many of Australia’s top comedians and presenters, and the Emperor of this here Media Empire.

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