Batman vs Bin Laden (The Glass House 1/3/06)

Batman is set battle Osama bin Laden in Frank Miller’s new graphic novel Holy Terror, Batman! Good to see someone‘s still chasing him…

In the comic, mild-mannered Al Qaeda is bitten by a radioactive Koran, and turns into… OSAMAMAN.

Dubya thinks it’s a great idea. “I don’t know where they’ve put the Bat-phone, but as soon as I find it I’ll be giving him a call!”

Miller told a comic book convention, “It seems silly to chase around the Riddler when you’ve got al Qaeda out there.” Disappointed, The Riddler is said to be looking into an alliance with al Qaeda and is changing his name to Al Riddler Bin Jihad.

In the comic, al Qaeda is fronted by the Penguin. Their new attack on America is going to involve flying hundreds of umbrellas into the Pentagon.

Batman has all sorts of new Al Qaeda supervillans to fight: Camelboy, Burkagirl, Towelhead, Koranman and the Sandmonkey.

Batman also has several superfriends to help him: Shootin’ Dick Cheney, Superpatriot, The Bush, and Dr Electrodes.

Inspired by the move, the US Marines are now being decked out in capes and tights, and instead of high-tech weapons have to make do with a single utility belt.

Robin has been replaced with Eagle, the Batmobile is now the Bat-Tank, and his utility belt has been replaced by a computer-operated-depleted-uranium-cluster-belt.

This new clash between Christians and Muslims is being labelled The Caped Crusades…

Batman is perfect for hunting down Osama Bin Laden; he knows just what it’s like to be a millionaire leading a double life and hiding out in a cave…

In the new book of bin Laden’s statements, there is no mention of Batman personally. He simply refers a couple of times to “caped crusaders” and makes an oblique reference to the “League of Justice”. Nothing more. Oh, one mention of the Bat-Utility Belt. But that’s it.

Bin Laden blames the US for exporting a culture of pornography and violence. “I prefer mass slaughter!”

Bin Laden’s statements accuse the US of exporting violence. In fact September 11 was just an attempt to balance the trade surplus. Sound economic theory.

They’ve updated Dick Tracey too, renaming it Dick Cheney – but unfortunately he shoots the good guys too…

The US is also getting the Wonder Twins to deal with the Iran nuclear crisis – “Shape of – a weapons inspector!” “Form of – an atomic watchdog!”

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