Thumbing Vandals (The Glass House 8/3/06)

Las Vegas mayor Oscar Goodman has told a television audience that he thinks that the solution to the city’s graffiti problem might be to punish offenders with a “thumbing” – cutting their thumb off on TV. Not only does it set an example for other potential graffitists, it also addresses Las Vegas’ critical thumb shortage.

So vandals who hitch-hike are going to be really screwed.

The mayor suggests broadcasting the thumbings as a new reality show: Big Thumber.

Suggested theme songs for the TV show include Thumber Lovin’, The Boys of Thumber, Gimme Thumb Lovin’ and Thumbday Bloody Thumbday

Being Las Vegas, they will only get the thumbing if they spin it up on the Wheel Of Torture!

The plan has quite a good deal of support in Las Vegas, being backed by 35% of casino workers and 98% of organised criminals.

As one mob boss said, (Sopranos voice) “It’s just da Vegas way. In Noo Joisey dey like to drown you; in Cincinatti dey shoot you in the head; here? We just like da thumbs.”

Cutting off a thumb can harden some criminals. Who could forget “Fingers” O’Shea, who lost eight fingers thanks to a run of vandalism. He just couldn’t stop! Until of course he was unable to use a spray can.

The major said there was a major problem with punks defacing desert tortoises. They need their faces!

The major said there was a major problem with punks defacing desert tortoises. Some street artists are defending the practice, claiming a lot of their best pieces were tortoise-based.

Shoplifters will be punished by hand-removal, voyeurs lose their eyes, and flashers… won’t be doing it again.

Other new punishments include being stoned to death, plagued by locusts and good old-fashioned smiting.

Goodman also said that pornographers should have their genitals cut off, murderers should be slowly pulled apart by horses, and litterers should be nailed to the ground and have their skin torn off by wild pigs. A post-interview survey showed a small dip in his opinion rating.

Of course the thumb-chopping will be done in a totally democratic and freedom-loving way; not like those A-rabs at all.

This show will be great for the Los Vegas thumb-transplant business. You get the thumb of last week’s guy.

Leave a Reply