The Canonical List Of Aussie Values (The Glass House 8/3/06)

And now a canonical list of the Aussie values that John Howard and Peter Costello would like to see restored.

* Whiteness
* Having money
* Going to a reputable college
* Believing in “Australian values”
* Knowing the names of the entire Australian XI
* A deep-seated love of Phar Lap
* Idolising bushrangers
* Idolising failed explorers
* Idolising young men mown down by gunfire
* Idolising Australian Idol
* Darryl
* Rove
* Bert
* Shannon
* The Queen
* The real God
* Adolf, sorry, er, not Adolf
* Playing God Save the Queen at the Empire Games
* That every true Australian should be a share-holder – of things they used to own
* Empathising with cardboard Neighbours characters rather than real people locked behind razor-wire
* The good old days
* The Union Jack in its proper place in the top left
* Jesus-worship
* Dubya-worship
* U.S.-worship
* U.S.-warship-worship
* Monoculturalism
* Not “mushy multiculturalism”, closed-minded imperialism
* Not burquas, bikinis
* Not Sharia Laws, John Laws
* The only “veils” we will allow are Coalition front-benchers…
* No more bocce or trugo – it’s cricket or nothin’.
* Felafels are acceptable, but only with tomato sauce.
* Burqas are acceptable, but only for fat chicks
* Serfs and gentry should have separate mess rooms
* The divine right of corporate rule
* The divine right of Media Empires
* Fish and chips
* Beer
* Nuclear waste
* An unwillingness to learn anything from indigenous people
* Unquestioningly swallowing transparent or inconsistent lies
* A belief in deporting foreigners – unless they’re good at sport
* Lawn mowers
* Large mortgages
* Having a growing mortgage that you can leave the kids
* Submitting to their glorious leader, me!
* Tracksuits
* Voting Liberal
* Privatisation
* War Profiteering
* Kickbacks
* Detention centres
* Kerry Packer
* Everything Kerry Packer’s ever done
* Tax avoidance
* Sir Donald Bradman
* Shane Warne
* Advanced Hair Yeah Yeah
* Environmental disaster
* Fear
* Lying
* Alan Jones
* The 50s
* A belief that the right things are good
* A belief that the wrong things are bad

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