GeoEngineering (GNW 21/9/09: What’s The Story?)

Britain’s most prestigious science body has published a report on “Plan B” options to avoid catastrophic climate change. Not to avoid it happening. More to avoid the catastrophic climate.

Space mirrors! Giant sunshades! Artificial forests! Thank goodness we’re cutting down on our industrial activity.

It’s the first significant study of “Plan B” options. Then there’s “Plan C” – blast off on spaceships and hope to find a habitable world, and “Plan D” – scream and thrash about in dehydrated agony.

It’s the first significant study of “Plan B” options. Then there’s “Plan C” – drown and burn. / choke to death on our own filth.

It’s either re-engineer the planet, or we all move to Tassie. It’s going to be a tropical paradise!

One idea is to just shoot lots of sulphur crystals into our atmosphere. Let’s do it! After all, what could go wrong?

They have suggested injecting sulphur particles into the atmosphere. Great idea – rotten egg planet. Just let me die.

They have suggested injecting sulphur particles into the atmosphere to mimic volcanic activity. Can’t we just build artificial volcanos? Volcanos are cool.

One idea is erect giant sun-shields to deflect the sun’s energy away from the planet. It’s either that or wear a hat.

Another idea is to deflect the sun’s rays with giant space mirrors. Of course, one sudden gust of solar wind, the mirror tilts to the wrong angle and POP – there goes a continent. / an entire continent explodes like an ant under a magnifying glass.

Another idea is to deflect the sun’s rays with giant space mirrors. That’s sure to make us popular with alien races. (shielding eyes) “What the hell is THAT?”

One idea is to deflect the sun’s rays with giant space mirrors, but this could potentially backfire, particularly if the sun gets an out-of-control ego.

But reflecting the sun’s rays back would be a terrible mistake – it’d make the sun even hotter! / What if we accidentally burn it? / What if we accidentally set it on fire?

Another option is to create ships that spray water vapour into the air to create low-altitude clouds, which might reflect some of the sun’s heat. Well, we’re going to have to do SOMETHING with all that extra ocean. / sea level.

The only problem with ships that manufacture their own clouds is that they’re constantly getting trapped in massive storms.

One strategy is planting forests. If only we’d thought of that 40 years ago. Oh that’s right, we DID.

So let’s build space mirrors, giant sunshades, and artificial forests! Anything to keep our plasmascreens! / Anything’s better than riding a bike, chucking out the plasma screen and becoming vegetarian!

Climate change opponents say the study proves we don’t need to reduce emissions. We just need giant space mirrors, artificial forests and cloud ships.

The report stresses that we still need to concentrate on reducing emissions – perhaps with some kind of nasal applicator.

All this talk about “saving the planet” – BAH! The planet’s going to be fine – what we’re really talking about here is saving our own tiny hairless monkey arses. / saving our comfortable Western push-button plastic-wrap petrochemical lifestyles.

All this talk about “saving the planet” – BAH! The planet’s going to be fine. You think the cockroaches will be complaining when they’re reclining in a balmy tropical paradise that spans the entire globe?

All this talk about “saving the planet” – BAH! The planet’s going to be one big balmy tropical paradise! And even better, it won’t be jam-packed with pesky humans!

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