Not the NRL (GNW 21/9/09: monologue)

To distance themselves from all their players, the NRL are considering changing their name. It’s kinda like Hitler shaving his moustache and calling himself Herman.

The idea is, rather than ditching all the violent drunks and drug-addled losers, they’ll just call the whole thing a different name. Because, without the violent drunks and drug-addled losers, they wouldn’t have any players.

Instead of NRL, they’re thinking of calling themselves “Fight Club on Drugs”. Might as well be honest.

They’re thinking of changing the brand to something like “Rugby union”. / AFL. / “bowls”.

They’re hoping to change their name to the AFL. That way, they can keep the scandal, but the other code cops the blame!

And they’ll keep on changing their name until their players decide to behave.

Might as well change the name. After all, you’re never going to change the kind of people who think that playing rugby league is actually a worthwhile career. / never going to change the players. / never going to change those drunken wife-bashing bogan drug-addicts who actually play the game.

The idea is, rather than actually improving anything, they’ll just call the whole thing a different name. It’s like when Telecom became “Telstra”, the DSS became “Centrelink”, and WorkChoices became Not Workchoices. / John Howard became “Kevin Rudd”.

They’re also thinking of changing “shitting in the corridor” to “non-area-specific defecation”, “drunken violence” to “sobriety-minimised physical discussions”, and “gang-bang” to “non-consensual collective romance”.

The only problem with changing the name to reinvent the brand is that they may lose fans. And the players may get confused about what they’re playing. / where to go.

The only problem with changing the name to reinvent the brand is that they may lose fans. Or that’s possibly another plus.

The body will now be known as the Rugby “Collective United National Tournament.” / “Football Under Code K Except Rugby Soccer”. Doesn’t make sense, but what an appropriate acronym.

Players have got to cut out the drinking, partying, violence, and drugs. They now say “NRL” now stands for “No Bloody Life”. Not big on spelling, those rugby leaguers.

They’re thinking that instead of “NRL” they could be named “The Sober, Respectful, Peaceful People Who Use The Toilet When They Need To Empty Their Bowels”, or “TSRPPWUTTWTNTETB”. Catchy.

It’s kinda like painting the Death Star pink and renaming it the “Planet Hugger”.

To truly make a break with the past, they’ll also have to change the names of all the teams, all the players, and hopefully all the charges.

Forget the name change. Just scrap the whole stupid game.

Or here’s an alternative idea that might work better – keep the name, and change the PLAYERS.

As well as their name, the NRL are also thinking of introducing a new theme song:
Blood-drops on noses and bruises on kittens,
Hallways in hotels just perfect for shittin’,
Glassings and gang-bangs, all tied up with strings,
These are a few of our favourite things.
Drunken weekends to improve on our fitness,
All misdemeanours without an eyewitness,
Giving our girlfriends some months in a sling,
These are a few of our favourite things.
When the coach barks,
When the press calls,
When I’m feeling bummed,
I simply remember my sponsorship deals
And stick my head in the scrum!

They want to change it to something with more positive connotations. They’re thinking “al Qaida”’s got a nice ring to it. / Like “al Qaida”.

In a similar move, al Qaida is going to change their name to “Bangs R Us”. / “The Good Guys”.

Leave a Reply