Chiko chick (GNW 21/9/09: monologue)

Chiko Rolls are looking for the next Chiko Chick. Unfortunately the old ones have all died of heart disease.

It’s a great job if you’ve always wanted to be on mechanics’ walls in the 70s.

The main jobs will be to wear denim, pose suggestively with a Chiko roll, and draw people’s attention to the fact that these phallic 70s relics still exist.

Of course, you start modelling for Chiko Roll, and it really opens up your career opportunities. Who knows what kind of miscellaneous deep-fried pastry you could be stripping off for next!

And they’re going to keep on finding Chiko Chicks until they sell those last few. (Come on, they’re not THAT septic. / Look at the poster, not the bain-marie…)

You know a food’s good when they need to sell it with semi-naked models…

Of course they don’t even make Chiko Rolls any more. But fish’n’chip shops have to put something on their walls.

All you have to do is prove your technique at giving blow jobs to pastry with mystery filling.

The last Miss Chiko, Annette Melton, went on to be a finalist in Miss Universe – proof that your career isn’t ruining by giving deep-fried blowjobs.

The last Miss Chiko, Annette Melton, went on to be a finalist in Miss Universe, before being ground up and put in a deep-fried pastry casing. And so the great cycle is complete.

It’s important to have a cute chick to ogle, to distract you from analysing too closely the contents of your Chiko Roll. / to distract you from wondering exactly what the hell is inside your Chiko Roll.

They’re looking for someone hot, fun, fit, and healthy – y’know, the kind of person who has never touched a greasy deep-fried Chiko in their lives.

If they’re going to advertise Chiko Rolls with hot healthy young women riding bikes, for balance, we should advertise salad with old obese men smoking Winnie Blues.

Ah, takes me back – the Big M girls, the Chiko Roll girls, the Lovebite girls. A simple journey to the Fish n Chip shop was a young boy’s tantalising fantasy-world of feminine wonder. / To a young boy, a visit to the Fish n Chip shop was like stepping into a porno.

It’s not just Chiko rolls, there’s Cornjacks, Pluto Pups – there’s no end to the unfashionable junk food you could be associated with.

You can win $5000 cash and a $10,000 contract, and all it will cost you is your dignity.

Prizes include $5000 cash, a $10,000 contract, and a special time in the back of the judge’s panel van.

You can win $5000 and a $10,000 contract – although granted, you do get paid in Chiko Rolls.

The image is the iconic 70s surf chick, but some things have been changed. The motorbike has become a more eco- and fitness-friendly bicycle, and the Chiko roll itself has been replaced by a more eco- and fitness-friendly lack-of-Chiko-roll. / nothing. / penis.

They’re looking for a girl with a thick skin and a soft and tasty inner core, who goes crispy when deep-fried.

Chiko Chick is just like a Chiko Roll – tall, slender, and hot. And let me tell you, don’t want to see BurgerBabe. Or where she keeps her beetroot. / extra cheese.

And you should see the Dimmie Dame! / Dim Sim Dame! / Dame of Dimsims! / Dim Sim Doll! She’s steamy – but full of minced cat.

Chiko thought about updating their image. But that would require updating their recipe.

But Chiko have moved with the times – these days, the hot babes and suggestive poses are on the web!

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