Divebombing Birds (GNW 21/9/09: monologue)

Spring is here! And with it, the brutal head-wounds of divebombing birds! Run for your wingless lives!

It’s nothing personal. It’s just payback for all the chopped-down trees. / payback for global warming.

It’s part of their campaign of shock and “awwwgh” (crow sound).

Birds might look cute, but then they do their bombing runs. It’s like shock and awwww.

Of course, it’s easy to avoid them. Just stay inside and cower.

Of course, you can always defend yourself with a cricket bat. You should see the look on their little faces when their deadly attack turns into a six and out!

I knew it – al Qaida is EVERYWHERE.

Magpies and plovers are bad enough, but at least we no longer get swooped on by pterodactyls.

Magpies and plovers are bad enough, but it sucks being dive-bombed by an emu.

But it’s our own fault for having such nice nesty hair.

But it’s our own fault for having such bouncy heads.

They’re not necessarily protecting their young. You might just look like a worm.

It’s bad enough when they swoop. But even worse when they bomb. / But it’s so much worse when they detonate.

Plovers are the worst. The only way to be safe is to get yourself a plover-cover.

While magpies are the traditional enemy, they’re now being matched by the plover, who are protecting their young. Because there’s nothing more threatening to a nest of plovers than a paperboy. / than innocent passers-by minding their own business.

Swooping, pecking bastards. I think I’ll take up eating plover eggs out of spite. If I can just reach up here… OW! OWW!

It’s actually pretty brave to attack such big creatures when you’re so small. They’re kinda like the crocodile-wrestlers of the bird world. / In their own way, the people-swoopers are kinda like Steve Irwin.

It shouldn’t be such a big deal being king-hit by a bird. After all, they’re only featherweights.

But we’re actually getting it pretty easy. You wait until they learn how to lay landmines.

First it was just magpies, but now it’s minahs and plovers as well. Soon they’ll be joining the Axis of Eagles. / Between them, they constitute an Axis of Eagles.

Just do what I do – wear a hat made out of feral cats. Sure, it doesn’t stop the birds from swooping, but it gets you noticed! / but the crazed clawing makes the pecking seem much less severe.

But remember, what doesn’t kill us makes us stronger. It’s the scar tissue. / If balder.

Bald people cop the worst of it. There’s nothing more scary to a bird than a giant walking egg.

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