Last week’s news… (The Glass House 8/3/06)

HOWARD DECADE

Celebrating ten years as Prime Minister, John Howard said that it was an occasion to be celebrated in a “contained, serious and sober fashion.” He’s right: 10 years of Howard is about as serious and sober as it gets.

Tickets to John Howard’s 10 year bash were $1000 each. That buys you a lot of sobriety.

Howard put down his longevity to his “strong constitution”. Every morning he goes for a pre-amble.

Howard put down his longevity to his “strong constitution”. He got Les Murray to write it for him.

Howard put down his longevity to his strong constitution. That’s why Australia doesn’t need one.

Howard said his good health was partly due to eating regularly and never missing meals. “That’s why I’ve got no respect for the poor – bloody meal-skippers!”

Howard said, “Once the Australian public gets a whiff we have tickets on ourselves, we’re dead. They must never know! Moohahahahahaaaa!”

Howard said, “Once the Australian public gets a whiff we have tickets on ourselves, we’re dead.” Well, it turns out he does have tickets on himself – and they’re a thousand bucks each!

Howard said, “Once the Australian public gets a whiff we have tickets on ourselves, we’re dead. That’s why we have the new Department of Ticket-hiding.”

Howard said, “Once the Australian public gets a whiff we have tickets on ourselves, we’re dead. That’s why they’re a thousand dollars each; the public will never be able to get in!”

FEMALE-FRIENDLY PETER

Australia should become the most female-friendly place on Earth, according to Peter Costello. (Or as he’s now known, Casanova Costello.) “When I’m PM, it’ll just be me and a massive harem.”

Australia should become the most female-friendly place on Earth, according to Peter Costello. “So I’ve put out the doilies and bought a whole lot of show-cushions. Oh, and when the kettle boils, I’ll have mine white and one. Thanks love.”

HARRY POTTER AND THE EXORCIST

The Vatican’s Chief Exorcist claims Harry Potter could lead children into Satanism. Or at least, he hopes so. The rate of exorcisms has gone right down since the 17th Century, and he really needs the work.

The Vatican’s Chief Exorcist claims Harry Potter could lead children into Satanism. However, Satanists are worried that Harry Potter is leading kids away from the real deal.

UNPOPULAR BUSH

Dubya’s approval rating sinks to a new low of 34%. Come on Americans, it must be lower than that!

Still, it’s a better rating than he’s got anywhere else in the world!

BUSH CUTS AFGHANI RIBBON

George W Bush dropped in to Afghanistan to cut the ribbon on the new US Embassy, vowing that Bin Laden will be “brought to justice”. Coincidentally, Osama is also planning an Afghan visit, to cut the ribbon on the new bomb in the US Embassy.

George W Bush dropped in to Afghanistan to cut the ribbon on the new US Embassy, while Osama vows to cut the new US Embassy to ribbons…

CENS*RED SL*GAN

In Singapore, they’ve had to censor the “Where The Bloody Hell Are You?” campaign. (Show slide: “Where the ****** Hell Are You?”) That way it looks even ruder.

They’ve got a real problem with “Bloody”. You also have to order a Bleepy Mary, and apparently people facing the firing squad end up covered in bleep.

Singaporean drinks menus include the Bleepy Mary, the Slippery Bleeple and the Bleep-Bleeping Cowboy.

When asked about the censoring, the Minister for Tourism said it was the work of “some pig-fucking cock-knuckle”.

BROWN SUED

The court battle between the publishers of The Da Vinci Code and the authors of Holy Blood, Holy Grail has been suspended for two weeks while the judge goes away to read the book, do some excavation at The Louvre, and go on a mysterious adventure with an unconvincing love-interest.

The HBHG authors argue “Our book was solid historical fact. But it’s historical fact that we own. After all, we made it up!”

If the Da Vinci Code lawsuit is successful, publishers of The Bible are now going to sue anyone who mentions Jesus in their book, and the authors of The World Wildlife Encyclopedia are suing anyone who writes about animals.

Dan Brown is also up for other charges, including “unconvincing dialogue”, “poor characterisation” and being “criminally over-rated”.

EARTHLING FLU

A cat in Germany died of bird flu. They’re going to have to rename the disease – or the cat.

GOD SNUB THE QUEEN

They’re not going to play God Save The Queen at the Commonwealth Games Opening Ceremony. Shame – Her Majesty’s such a Sex Pistols fan.

They’re not going to play God Save The Queen at the Commonwealth Games Opening Ceremony. In fact, they’re not playing anything by the Sex Pistols… although they might play We Will Rock You. It’s Bracksy’s favourite one of her songs.

SIMPSONS VS 1ST AMENDMENT

A study finds that only 1 in 1000 Americans can name all 5 freedoms guaranteed by the 1st Amendment. But then, only 2 in 1000 Americans actually still have all 5 freedoms.

A study found far more Americans can name all five Simpsons family members than can name all 5 freedoms guaranteed by the 1st Amendment. Maybe if the constitution was shown four hours a day for 15 years, they’d learn it.

In response the White House launched a plan to animate the 1st Amendment, syndicate it worldwide, get Danny Elfman to write the theme song, and play it 5 shows a day for a couple of decades. Should do the trick!

AUSSIE PRIDE

A new poll shows USA, Venezuala and Australia are world leaders in national pride. Woohoo! Go Aussies!

ABORTIONS

Tony Abbott is introducing an advice hotline manned by church groups for people considering having an abortion. Unfortunately you’re put on hold for nine months.

FAT

America’s surgeon-general warns that the obesity epidemic will soon dwarf the threat of terrorism. Hang on – don’t we want to dwarf the threat of terrorism? Quick everyone, bulk up!

SPITTING OUT THE STAMPING PROBLEM

In order to appear civilised for the 2008, Beijing is trying to stamp out spitting. Now, everyone has to swallow.

In order to appear civilised for the 2008, Beijing is trying to stamp out spitting. But, rather than having a ban on spitting, they are introducing “spitbags” for people to spit into. Great idea! Here, instead of banning public smoking, smokers could exhale into “smokebags” – and in Iraq they can introduce “bomb-bags”! “Look, if you have to bomb, bomb in here!”

INCREASING THE RISK OF TERRORISM

60% of the world thinks that the Iraq War has increased the threat of terrorism. Apparently, bombing people makes them angry.

And while 12% overall thought that the war in Iraq has decreased the chances of terrorist attacks, it was a view held by 0% of Iraqis.

TELSTRA SCHMELSTRA

After cancelling 20% of phone boxes, Telstra announced a 43% increase in price of home phones. They’re hoping that by the time they’re fully privatised they’ll have stopped providing services altogether – and at exorbitant prices!

With the new price of phones, carrier pigeon traffic is up, and smoke signals have gone through the roof. Using the chimney.

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