Good Next Week (GNW 28/9/09: closing)

Tuesday, September 29
In Sydney, it’s the Men Of League Foundation’s annual dinner. It’s a glittering night, where the more glamorous a woman’s dress, the more blokes they’ll be going home with.

In Sydney, it’s the Men Of League Foundation’s annual dinner. Some of the more expensive frocks have been paid for by all of the woman’s dates. / by a collection from all of the girl’s dates. / by all the men in the room.

Sydney will host the Fun Fearless Female Awards. The winner will be thrown off a cliff into a pool full of sharks!

Tomorrow, Sydney’s ‘Fun Fearless Female Awards’ will be followed by the ‘Grating Gutless Guy Awards’, which aren’t awarded so much as chucked, hard, at the head.

Tomorrow, Sydney will host both the Men of League Foundation dinner, and the Fun Fearless Female Awards. Let’s just hope they don’t book the same venue…

Tomorrow, Sydney will host both the Men of League Foundation dinner, and the Fun Fearless Female Awards. Which will be awarded to the female fearless enough to show her face at the Men of League Foundation dinner.

Tomorrow, Sydney’s ‘Fun Fearless Female Award’ will be awarded to whoever can rescue it from a pit filled with crocodiles. / whoever dares to go out drinking with the Cronulla Sharks.

Sydney will host the Fun Fearless Female Awards. That’s ffffffantastic.

Tomorrow, Sydney will be the scene of the Australian Health Congress. Sick mate!

Tomorrow, Sydney will be the scene of the Australian Health Congress. And it’d better be a good one, or Kevin Rudd will take it over.

Federal Minister Tanya Plibersek will speak on housing affordability tomorrow. Apparently, if you’re a federal minister, there’s no problem affording one! / houses are very affordable.

Federal Minister Tanya Plibersek will speak on housing affordability tomorrow. She recommends that, if you want to be able to afford a house, try becoming a Federal Minister.

Wednesday, September 30
In Canberra, the inquiry into the Human Rights Bill will report. Apparently, not all humans have the right to a lifetime of free air travel! Preposterous.

In Canberra, the report on remote & regional indigenous communities is due. The report says that, if we just keep on doing what we’re doing, the problem will eventually just go away and die.

The Chief Executive of the CSIRO will address the National Press Club, from his hoverpod on the planet Xaargon!

The Bureau of Statistics will release the national tourism figures. Apparently, tourists from around the world have been flocking to see the Big Stimulus Package. / The Amazing Buoyant Economy.

The Australian Stock Exchange will hold its annual general meeting, in between the ritual summoning and the blood sacrifice. / from the centre of a giant pentagram wet with virgin’s blood.

The Australian Stock Exchange will hold its annual general meeting, and find people still cowering under the chairs from last year’s meeting.

The Chief of the Australian Army, Lieutenant-General Ken Gillespie, will address the Sydney Institute. Hopefully not in the same way in which they’re addressing the problem with the Taliban. / Iraqi insurgents.

The Chief of the Australian Army, Lieutenant-General Ken Gillespie, will address the Sydney Institute, although the 21 gun salute will spoil the architraves.

In Melbourne, the inquiry into roads funding will report. Scalped tickets to the event are apparently fetching thousands.

Paris will unveil the 2010 ready-to-wear Spring / Summer collection. I’m glad they’re ready-to-wear – they are, after all, clothes.

Paris will unveil the 2010 ready-to-wear Spring / Summer collection, which will make a nice change from their usual unable-to-be-worn rubbish.

On Wednesday, Paris’s 2010 ready-to-wear Spring / Summer collection will prove to be much more popular than their ready-to-eat collection. Although far less tasty.

On Wednesday, Paris will unveil the 2010 ready-to-wear Spring / Summer collection. That’s ready-to-wear if you’re a louche attention-seeking transsexual who enjoys the feel of tinfoil.

Thursday, October 1
Thursday is China’s National Day, the 60th anniversary of the People’s Republic. The day will see a huge military parade march through the Avenue of Heavenly Peace & into Tiananmen Square, or as it’s now known, the Avenue of Mowing Down Civilians. Should be awesome!

Thursday is China’s National Day, the 60th anniversary of the People’s Republic. The day will see a huge military parade march through the Avenue of Heavenly Peace & into a wall of monks.

Thursday is China’s National Day, the 60th anniversary of the People’s Republic. The day will see a huge military parade march through the Avenue of Heavenly Peace, through There’s No Censorship In Our Media Grove, and right down Everything’s Fine, Nothing to See Here Highway.

Thursday is National Day, the 60th anniversary of the People’s Republic of China. Leaders have promised a huge military parade through the Avenue of Heavenly Peace & into Tiananmen Square, with displays of previously secret weaponry, air force power & fireworks, which they’ll use to destroy the now-useless Olympic stadium.

Perth will host the Royal Australian College of General Practitioners’ annual conference, though no-one will know where to go, due to the handwritten invite.

The inquiry into the National Broadband Network will hold hearings in Canberra. The government has asked Telstra to send a representative with a split personality.

In Sydney, there’ll be a hearing into rural wind farms. The had to hold it in Sydney as in rural areas they couldn’t hear due to the wind farms.

In Sydney, there’ll be a hearing into rural wind farms. Turns out it’s all a lot of hot air.

On Thursday, the review of secrecy laws is due – sorry – (whisper) the review of secrecy laws is due.

On Thursday, the review of secrecy laws is due, as far as we know.

Perth will host the GO3 Electronic & Entertainment Expo, where West Australians will be able to experience the latest technologies: the “telephone”, “wireless” and even a piano that plays itself!

Friday, October 2
Walk To Work Day will end tragically for some off-shore oil riggers.

Walk To Work Day will be marred by incredibly smug home office workers.

Friday’s Walk To Work Day will be combined with Chuck a Sickie Friday, resulting in everyone walking to the pub instead.

In Melbourne on Friday, Thomas the Tank Engine & Friends will start their Australian tour, so long as it’s not above 32 degrees and the track maintenance is finished.

In Melbourne on Friday, Thomas the Tank Engine & Friends will start their Australian tour to a half-empty house due to cancellations.

In Melbourne, Thomas the Tank Engine & Friends will start their Australian tour – late, overcrowded, and filled with violent gangs of vandals on ice.

The Imperial Russian Ballet will perform “Swan Lake” in Wollongong. Well, all their real lakes are dry.

The Imperial Russian Ballet’s performance of “Swan Lake” in Wollongong will result in some horrific first act injuries to the swan.

Sydney will host the Australian Nuclear Association conference. Mutants welcome.

On Friday, Sydney will host the Australian Nuclear Association conference – should really go off! / if the host doesn’t have a meltdown.

In Canberra, the inquiry into govt. economic stimuli will report, and conclude that not only did it stave off recession, but Kevin Rudd is a towering economic colossus, and we must all kneel and tremble.

Saturday, October 3
In Adelaide, it’s the Oz Asia Festival, featuring the best beef and black bean, lemon chicken, and an extra-special fried rice.

The Sydney Children’s Festival will be launched, which will be incompetent, but cute.

On Saturday, the Sydney Children’s Festival will be launched. They get points for trying.

On Saturday, Korea will host the final of Mr. World, Mrs Moon, and little baby Asteroid.

Korea will host the final of Mr. World. Much to his surprise, it will not be won by Kim Jong-il.

In Melbourne, it’s the Gluten-Free Food & Allergy Show, the best place to pick up some gluten-free food or an allergy.

At Royal Randwick, it’s Super Saturday, the crème de la crème of the Spring Racing Carnival. Whipping will be restricted on the horses, but encouraged in the after-party dungeon.

Sunday, October 4
Sunday is the NRL Grand Final! Who will win, the assaulters or the gang-bangers?

Sunday’s performance of Swan Lake by the The Imperial Russian Ballet will go horribly wrong when the swans are torn apart by a burly griffon.

The Imperial Russian Ballet will perform “Swan Lake” in Canberra. Though the Lake will be played by Lake Burley Griffin, and they will all drown en pointe.

Daylight saving begins in N.S.W., Victoria, the A.C.T., Tasmania & South Australia. Queenslanders, Western Australians and Northern Territorians can remain oblivious to the skills required to set a clock.

In Sydney on the weekend is the Festival of Dangerous Ideas! At last, somewhere I can discuss my many-bladed nuclear obliterator!

On Sunday, Sydney’s ‘Festival of Dangerous Ideas’ will hold debates on democracy, running with scissors, and poking yourself in the eye with a nailfile.

In Sydney, the Festival of Dangerous Ideas will hold a debate on democracy. Those in favour will argue that it allows for a plurality of views and the voice of the people, while those against will declare themselves the winner and imprison the others.

Monday, October 5
Marilyn Manson will begin his Australian tour in Perth, leading to a debate over which is actually scarier.

Marilyn Manson will begin his Australian tour in Perth, where he’ll be supported by Chopper Timberlake , Rhianna Milat, and Squizzy Taylor Swift.

Marilyn Manson will begin his Australian tour in Perth. He’s getting on a bit now. In fact he no longer needs makeup.

In Melbourne, there’ll be a hearing into the bill to keep banks accountable. Because who else will employ accountants?

In Perth, the World Health Organisation’s Influenza Director will give a speech. Or at least, she’ll cough in a very specific direction.

In Perth, the World Health Organisation’s Influenza Director will give a speech. BYO facemask – that guy’s bound to have some exotic strain kicking around him.

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