Hoff his tits (GNW 28/9/09: Warren)

David Hasselhoff was saved by his teenage daughter calling paramedics after what was reported to be a day-long vodka binge. Oh David, is there anything you can’t do? / I never knew he was so cosmopolitan!

That’s why they call him the Hoff – he’s always hoff his tits. / face.

He claims he wasn’t drunk, it was just a problem with his ear. He couldn’t hear anyone calling last drinks. / Floating in front of his face like that.

He claims he wasn’t drunk, it was just an ear problem. There’s nothing worse that when your ear gets off your face.

Usually getting drunk isn’t a problem for the Hoff. KITT just drives him home.

The Hoff’s been hospitalised with alcohol poisoning more than five times, but says he’s not an alcoholic. It’s the alcohol that’s addicted to him. / that can’t resist him.

The day-long vodka binge was reported to have been sparked off after he accidentally listened to one of his albums. / watched an episode of “Baywatch”.

He denies being an alcoholic, though says the problem was caused by anti-alcoholism medication. He just can’t get enough of that stuff. / He’s a binge anti-alcoholic. / Which he just takes for the buzz!

He claims the problem was caused by his anti-alcoholism medication. In the future, he’s going to have to have a couple of bottles of vodka just to stay on the level.

He claims it was a clash between his anti-alcoholism medication and ear medication. And he needs them both to stop the voices.

He wasn’t drunk! It was an ear problem. That just happened to be caused by excessive drinking. / After the third bottle he couldn’t hear a thing!

He denies he has a drinking problem. He just has a ‘coping with too much alcohol’ problem – the drinking’s the EASY bit.

He insists he’s on the wagon. And best of all, the wagon’s got a self-aware cybernetic logic module, an alpha circuit, a turbo boost, a molecular bonded shell, and pyroclastic lamination!

He insists he’s on the wagon. Although it’s not so much a wagon, as a self-aware talking car with cool flashing lights and a dry sense of humour.

He insists it’s all lies and propaganda, spread no doubt by an evil terrorist trying to bring down Knight Industries! Now, will somebody pass him that damn bottle of Brain-water?

He’s lucky to have his daughter there. Because if there’s one person who’s accustomed to dealing with people who are dangerously pissed, it’s a 17 year old girl.

Sources say he had been drinking for more than 24 hours. But he insists he was just medicating an ear problem. As far as he can remember.

He insists that the only thing that’ll fix your ear problems is the medicinal application of vast amounts of vodka. It’s an old traditional remedy that runs in the family for one whole generation.

He was just playing a little drinking game. The rules were simple – every time he had a shot, he had to have a shot.

Leave a Reply