Ten For Sale (GNW 28/9/09: 7 Days In 7 Seconds)

The future is uncertain for Channel Ten after a major shareholder announced they were going to sell off their shares, worth over 50% of the company. Looks like Ramsey Street’s a dead end…

Canadian company CanWest is about to sell its 50.06 percent stake of the Ten Network. Finally I can chuck out that maple syrup and buy a bottle of sauce.

Canadian company CanWest is about to sell its 50.06 percent stake of the Ten Network. Fair shake of the maple syrup bottle!

No more will Ten be controlled by a debt-riddled Canadian company. Now maybe, if we ask really nicely, we can get some credits at the end of the show.

So rather than being controlled by a debt-riddled Canadian company, Ten can now be owned by lots of people with smaller stakes! Go on – buy yourself a little piece of Ramsey Street!

So go on, grab a bit of Channel Ten. We’re going cheap!

Of course, buying a whole lot of shares in Channel Ten doesn’t mean you automatically get to own a small part of Natalie Bassingthwaite. (But it sure gives you a good crack, eh? / But it can’t hurt your chances.)

Buying shares in Ten may be as close as you ever get to owning Natalie Bassingthwaite. / owning a little piece of me.

Buy shares in Ten. It’s like owning a house on Ramsey Street, eating a MasterChef dinner, and dripping hot wax over Mikey Robbins.

Not being mostly owned by a debt-riddled Canadian company will mean more Australian content. I’m looking forward to ‘The Saturday Sheepdip Show’, ‘Cookin Pavs with Leonie’ and ‘Let’s Burn the Snags’.

Look out for the new hit game show, “Who Wants A Major Share in Ten”.

The sale means that Ten will no longer be controlled by a single entity. So all major decisions will be voted on, resulting in one program being evicted each week.

It’s a shame we’re not going to be owned by a dodgy Canadian company any more. That was our main excuse. / NOW what’s our excuse?

Canadian company CanWest is about to sell its 50.06 percent stake in the Ten Network. So at least we know longer have to speak like Canadians, eh.

It means Mikey can finally get rid of his moose suit.

So who will move in to save us? Jamie Packer? Jamie Murdoch? Jamie Durie?

At long last! I was so sick of having to target all my material to a debt-riddled Canadian conglomerate!

Finally I can say what I’ve been wanting to for so long: I hate Canada!

At last I won’t have to do the whole show a second time in French.

So if you have a spare 680 million bucks, you can finally do what you like with Network Ten. Get a Natalie Bassingthwaite arse-cam! Tell Matt Preston to take off the cravat! Give Rove an enema! The choice is yours!

The good news is that Network Ten will finally be controlled by Aussies! So that means that we won’t just have one channel dedicated to sport – we’ll have all of them!

Maybe now we can stop devoting our high-definition channel to ice hockey, curling, lacrosse, moose-hunting and maple-leaf-scrapbooking.

It’s a bit weird talking about the uncertain future of Channel Ten when you’re currently being broadcast by them. It’s kinda like debating the existence of God while you’re standing in the pulpit in front of a kneeling congregation.

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