Sweeter than rocky road (The Glass House 15/3/06)

In a breakthrough for road lickers, Aussie scientists have successfully converted sugar into what they say is a superior form of bitumen. The roads could be pigmented into an entire rainbow of different colours. Oh dear, I think the scientists have been drinking from their test-tubes again…

There may be a worrying increase in roadkill, particularly of ants, cane-toads and sugargliders… although it’s going to be more like roadgummi.

It may seem like a crazy idea, but believe me, these new sugar roads are far better than the nutrasweet ones.

In the future, when you’re stuck out in the desert with no petrol or water, at least you’ll be able to lick the road.

“Great idea!” said the Pope. “Frankly, tarmac tastes pretty shite.”

One positive about sugar roads is that they can be made in lighter colours, which reflects sunlight and reduces heat build-up in cities. Which is important if you don’t want your roads to turn into sticky caramel.

Colour-coded roads aren’t such a big deal – we’ve got black for highways, brown for dirt tracks, and yellow leading to the Emerald City…

Sugar roads are particularly good if you’re doing doughnuts…

And skid marks would look awesome on a white road!

Converting sugar into bitumen may be great for roads, but it makes my coffee all lumpy.

It’s weird though; in all the tests so far, the sugar roads seem to lead to a strange gingerbread cottage…

The same scientists are now working on marshmallow roundabouts, licorice stop signs, and making it rain hot chocolate.

And if you like licking the sugar roads, you’re going to love the new lollypop ladies…

Sugar roads are superior to normal bitumen ones, because they come in granules or cubes.

And soon we’ll be able to add asphalt to our coffee!

The sugar roads seem to work fine; but so far they’ve only been tested with Oompaloompas.

The new sugar roads have been devised by a mysterious recluse known only as Mr Wonka…

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