Climatematum (GNW 28/9/09: 7 Days In 7 Seconds)

Climate Change Minister Penny Wong has sent an ultimatum directly to Malcolm Turnbull, demanding that he produce amendments to their climate change legislation by October 19. After being at the United Nations climate summit, she was grateful for any argument that only involved two parties.

How can the Coalition be expected to formulate a concrete policy for global warming? They’re not even sure it exists yet!

Wong’s dreaming. The only thing that’s going to get the Coalition to formulate a climate change policy is when Question Time has to be cut short because there’s too many fish swimming in the chamber. / is when Question Time is knee deep in a rising ocean. / is when Uluru becomes an island. / is when Mr Speaker is underwater.

A month! That’s enough time for the Libs to go through at least a couple more leaders.

The Opposition has to formulate amendments to the legislation in the next month, or Penny Wong will put on her very cross face.

But the Opposition already has their amendments ready. Basically they’ll support a Carbon Pollution Reduction Scheme that rapidly reduces carbon pollution while not changing anything. (Looks like they finally agree with Rudd!)

Kevin Rudd said that it wasn’t just a piece of “political slap and tickle”. There was absolutely no tickle!

It certainly is a deadline for Turnbull. As there’s no hope of a united party line, he’s dead.

Malcolm Turnbull dismissed it as a stunt, and said he wouldn’t be held to a deadline. The man’s on the Titanic, up to his waist in water, and he’s still trying to decide if that really is an iceberg. / and he’s damn well not going to run for the lifeboats until he’s absolutely convinced that iceberg’s not just made of paper-mache.

Malcolm Turnbull dismissed it as a stunt, and said he wouldn’t be held to a deadline. He’s committed to reducing carbon emissions – he’s just going to keep waiting until he’s elected to show exactly how.

Turnbull says that if Rudd and Wong really want to see how he’d tackle carbon reduction, they’ll just have to wait until he’s elected.

The planet Earth said it wasn’t that fussed. Its deadline had already long passed.

It’s great that they’ve been given an ultimatum. It’s just a shame that it’s 30 years too late.

Unfortunately, threatening the Coalition with an early election is only effective if they thought they actually had any chance of winning.

Unfortunately, the threat of an early election is no threat at all to the Coalition. They know they’ll lose anyway – bring it on!

See, calling an early election would mean that the Opposition might lose, leading to a situation where they’d be in opposition, and… oh, we’ve already got that, haven’t we.

The Opposition is just refusing to come to the table. But how can they focus on the future of the planet when they’re still squabbling over the future of the party? / when they can’t even agree on the future of the party?

The Liberals aren’t actually adverse to an early election. At least it means the NEXT election will come sooner.

Malcom Turnbull says it doesn’t matter what the Climate Change Minister says. She’s just totally Wong.

If she manages to convince the coalition to actually produce some constructive policy on climate change, it looks like, in this case, one Wong does make a right.

One journalist described Wong’s letter of demand as “rather school mistress”, with Rudd behind the scenes as the “school principal”. So I guess Turnbull is the student, which makes the other Liberals, um, sub-students, and the general public must be approximately pond scum. Yep, sounds about right.

One journalist described Wong’s letter of demand as “rather school mistress”, with Rudd behind the scenes as the “school principal”. I guess that means we’ve all got detention…

One journalist described Wong’s letter of demand as “rather school mistress”. If he doesn’t meet the deadline, Turnbull will have to write out 100 times “I will not issue a death sentence on the planet to appease my party room”.

One journalist described Wong’s letter of demand as “rather school mistress”. Unfortunately, Turnbull quite likes the idea of getting a private spanking.

One journalist described Wong’s letter of demand as “rather school mistress”. Turnbull’s hoping that if he stonewalls, he can film her – there’s a huge audience in Canberra for “Lesbian School Ma’ams”.

Barnaby Joyce described the negotiations as a “funny little dance”. Which to him is any dance which doesn’t involve a ute. / a barn and a few haybales.

Nationals Senator Barnaby Joyce described the negotiations as a “funny little dance”. And if he got his way on the legislation soon we’ll all be doing the perma-droughty shuffle! / the desperately parched boogie!

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