Take Terrorists To Dinner (GNW 5/10/09: Strange But True)

Taking suspected terrorists out to dinner may be more effective than locking them up without charge, according to the Department of Foreign Affairs ambassador. If they’re guilty, it can help rehabilitate them, and if they’re innocent, it’s a lot less “going against all the rules of the Geneva Convention”.

Just don’t get into an argument over the bill.

Terrorists never spend long looking at the menu. They’ll just have what Mohammad’s having.

A lot of the time you can tell if they’re a terrorist just by what they order. A real terrorist always insists on ordering the 72 virgin olive oil. / bombe alaska. / western imperialist pig-dog. / hamburkha.

And they’ve got a great method of splitting the bill… / And they don’t so much split the bill as explode it.

The Department of Foreign Affairs ambassador for counter-terrorism has said that taking terrorists out to dinner might be more effective than locking them up without charge. That way they’ll know what they’re missing when you starve them.

The Department of Foreign Affairs ambassador for counter-terrorism has said that taking terrorists out to dinner might be more effective than locking them up without charge. And really, getting a substandard lobster bisque is nearly as bad as a waterboarding.

But they ARE still suspected terrorists. So no entrées! / dessert!

And if they don’t confess, they have to watch you eat dessert. / no dessert.

“Talk! Or it’s more beluga caviar!”

A dinner out is far more effective than locking them up without charge. The lobster thermidor is an exquisite torture!

Unfortunately, several inmates have died. The coroner suspects it was death by chocolate.

Of course, they still have to wear the uniform, hood and handcuffs. So they don’t really KNOW they’re being taken out to dinner.

Of course the department will still only be able to afford a meal of gruel and water. But it’s a nice change of scene.

Free dinners out? It’s enough to make me want to become a terrorist suspect! / There’s never been better motivation to become a suspected terrorist!

Locking a suspected terrorist in a cell without charge is likely to build resentment and fury. But taking them out to dinner lets them see the real advantages of Western decadence. / lets them see the real you, underneath the torturing tyrant.

Of course, to stop them escaping, the dinner does have to be accompanied by guard dogs and naked pyramids between courses. (It’s a real palette-cleanser.)

Of course, between courses you get water-boarded as a palette-cleanser.

Sure, locking people up without a charge isn’t as effective as taking them out to dinner. But at least there’s no corkage fee.

Unfortunately, the plan has backfired in several cases, as detainees insisted on being returned to their cells immediately upon learning there was such a thing as a 3 dollar corkage fee.

Of course, many suspected terrorists said they’d rather be waterboarded again than pay some rude prick 3 bucks for corkage.

Though it’s best if you don’t insist they must try the pork ribs.

Of course taking a suspected terrorist out to dinner gets you great service.

A dinner out is far more effective than locking them up without a charge. Nothing will make a terrorist spill the beans faster than being forced to eat something from the bain-marie.

Counter-terrorism chiefs say that taking suspects to dinner is the best chance they have of capturing Osama bain Marie.

The whole idea is really just to lure Osama out of hiding. It’s been ages since he’s had a really good lobster bisque. / When you’re lurking in caves, it’s quite hard to get good schnitzel.

Of course, you shouldn’t eat out too often. You don’t want to get fat-wa.

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