Exits are here, here and AAAARRGH (The Glass House 15/3/06)

An Virgin airline stewardess caused panic on a turbulence-effected plane by screaming “We’re going to crash, we’re going to crash, we’re going to crash!” Apparently, when the turbulence settled down and the plane was cruising safely, she shrieked “We’re going to live! We’re going to live! AAARRRGGHH!”

“We’re suing!” said one couple. “If a stewardess says we’re crashing, I expect to bloody crash.”

Turns out that she’s always had a fear of flying. And is scared of heights; and a bit claustrophobic. And she’s absolutely terrified of complimentary headphones.

Passengers should have clued into her state during the pre-flight safety presentation: “And in case of emergency, put on your life jacket, pull the cord, thrash your arms wildly and SCREAM! AAARRRGH! WE’RE ALL GOING TO DIE!!!”

“That’s the last time I drop acid before a flight,” she said. “I mean, the turbulence was bad, but it was the purple mind-bees that really got to me.”

“Ladies and gentlemen, we are experiencing a little turbulence at the moment, so please fasten your seatbelts, extinguish all cigarettes, and prepare to MEET YOUR DOOM!”

But she isn’t that unstable really. At least she wasn’t screaming “we’re all going to Mars! MARS!!!”

She had shown signs of mental instability before; on her previous flight she’d told one of the passengers, “You’re going to crash!” But it was directed just to that one guy.

But the stewardess might have just been suicidal. “We’re all going to die! We’re all going to die! Yaaaaaaay!”

For those who enjoyed the thrill, Virgin is establishing a new line of aircraft – Virgin Sacrifice.

It turns out she wasn’t scared at all; she was just excited! “I didn’t mean the plane was going down, I meant that it was lights out time and everyone should go to sleep! ‘We’re all gonna crash, we’re all gonna crash,’ yeah, I guess you could take it the other way.”

So, if you see the stewardess running up and down the aisle screaming “we’re all going to die!”, don’t panic; but you’re probably justified if it’s the pilot.

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