Good News Week

Yeltsin’s undie pizza party (GNW 5/10/09: monologue)

A new book reveals that former Russian president Boris Yeltsin once got so drunk in Washington that he was found outside the White House in his underpants trying to hail a taxi to go and buy a pizza. He was embarrassed – he had no idea that Clinton had stolen his toga.

Yeltsin was so pissed he was found outside the White House in his underwear, trying to hail a taxi. He should’ve known better than to play spin the bottle with ol’ Bill. / strip poker with ol’ Bill Clinton.

Clinton would’ve helped him out, but he was passed out in a pool of his own vomit. / was out the back shagging the waitresses. / was busy in the bong room, ‘not inhaling’.

When secret service agents found him, they thought he was a drunken intruder. And they were right!

It’s somewhat surprising that this incident hasn’t come to light earlier. Obviously Clinton wanted the Russians to appear at least worthy adversaries.

The night after trying to hail a cab in his undies, he was mistaken by secret service agents for a drunken intruder. Sure, it’s embarrassing for Yeltsin, but at least, unlike the CIA guys, he could probably still recognise the leader of the chief enemy. / Sure it’s embarrassing for Yeltsin – but whose secret service agents couldn’t even recognise the leader of the USSR?

Ah, the good old days of Yeltsin. If only Vladimir Putin drank this heavily, Russia could be 150 different countries by now!

If Yeltsin had a ruble for every time he’d been caught drunk in his undies catching a taxi to get pizza, he could’ve saved the Russian economy!

Yeltsin was outside the White House in his underwear, trying to hail a taxi to go buy pizza. But he wasn’t necessarily drunk – he could’ve just been testing the security guards with some old KGB mind trick.

Yeltsin was outside the White House in his underwear, trying to hail a taxi to go buy pizza. But he wasn’t drunk – it was Russian Orthodox semi-clad pizzi-taxi Tuesday.

Sure, it’s easy to joke about Boris’ drunken antics. But who else has escaped out of the White House grounds twice?

And the night after THAT, it was really embarrassing when Boris stumbled into the intern quarters…

He was just hoping to get himself a little Lewinsky action.

He claimed he was asked to go get a pizza by a White House intern.

But it was no accident. They just needed some pizza down in the intern quarters.

The night after, White House security again found Yeltsin – this time thinking he was a drunken intruder. He wasn’t going to leave espionage to the KGB!

Yeltsin was no drunken intruder. He was a drunken leader of the Eastern bloc.

The undie-clad Yeltsin just wanted to get himself a Super Supreme. The best pizza the Russians had was an Adequate Functional.

He was keen to try an American pizza. In Russia, even the Super Supreme is just a dough base with a single anchovy.

Typical. Putin always made Yeltsin get the pizzas.

Ah, Yeltsin – he just couldn’t resist a glasnost of perestroika.

By Wok

Warwick Holt is a highly experienced, award-winning screenwriter, who has written for many of Australia’s top comedians and presenters, and the Emperor of this here Media Empire.

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