Good News Week

Super Sperm (GNW 12/10/09: Strange But True)

Scientists have discovered that sperm are becoming so strong that they’re actually destroying eggs. Which is a bit of an “Ooops” moment for a sperm.

The “super sperm” are faster, stronger, and more aggressive than other sperm, and end up destroying the egg. They’re kinda like tiny little rugby league players.

Scientists say women’s bodies have gradually evolved defences which have forced sperm to become more competitive. In response, male sperm has strengthened to the point where too many penetrate the egg, destroying it. Though any eggs that are fertilised go on to make excellent rugby league players.

It also explains the lower modern-day sperm counts. The weaklings are at the bottom of Lake Testicle wearing concrete shoes.

These super-sperm might explain why so many men are faster than a speeding bullet. / why for many men, sex is faster than a speeding bullet.

Super-sperm – they’re faster than a speeding bullet! Or at least mine are. / Mikey’s are.

See, you don’t want to evolve too much, or your reproduction systems starting getting ideas above their station.

I knew it. If you evolve enough, you’re eventually going to evolve up your own arse.

Maybe this is what killed the dinosaurs? They certainly look virile. / I mean, to the best of our knowledge they had no access to IVF.

Alright, who left the sperm in charge of evolution? / This is bound to happen when you leave the sperm in charge of evolution.

Soon when a guy masturbates he’ll be in danger of blowing up his laptop.

They’re now having to make condoms out of bulletproof glass.

Not only are the super-sperm stronger, faster and meaner than regular sperm, but they’re the size of your fist.

Super-sperm don’t just leave a wet patch – they leave a crater.

The sperm of the future won’t just destroy your eggs – they’ll bite your legs off.

The sperm of the future are going to be like some horrifying cross between pirhanas and great danes.

In the future, a man groaning “I’m coming, I’m coming” won’t be an exclamation of sexual satisfaction – it’ll be a warning to get the hell out of the way.

Of course, if the super-sperm keeps killing the eggs, we’ll die out. Hmm. Not so super now, are we.

If the super-sperm and the super eggs are fighting each other, it’s clear who’s losing – the human race.

But although infertility rates are going up, it does mean that the embryos that survive are likely to be made from extra-tough sperm and eggs. After nine months they’ll come out boxing. / And a womb makes a great punching bag! / When they come out, they don’t cry – they ROAR.

It’s not just eggs that are suffering from the super-sperm. Testicles are now like one big punch-on. / one big gangland war. / La Tomatina.

I’m not surprised that sperm are getting tougher. Those testes are full of testosterone.

Who would’ve thought sperm would be so testy?

So for anyone who says humanity isn’t the ultimate evolved creature, just wave your super-sperm in their face! Although, maybe not literally.

By Wok

Warwick Holt is a highly experienced, award-winning screenwriter, who has written for many of Australia’s top comedians and presenters, and the Emperor of this here Media Empire.

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