The week in news-stuffs (The Glass House 22/3/06)

IT’S WORLD WATER DAY

It’s World Water Day! Make an extra effort to conserve – water your garden with beer.

It’s World Water Day. Not really a cause for celebration in countries affected by tsunamis.

It’s World Water Day. Give a tap a kiss.

It’s World Water Day. So leave the taps on to celebrate.

It’s World Water Day. So drink up!

BLAIR VISIT

Tony Blair is coming to address Parliament next week. He’ll be the most popular Labor Party member there…

ADS ON ABC

There’s been lots more discussion about putting ads on the ABC. Well I’m violently opposed to it, and that violent opposition is brought to you by McDonalds, Nike and the Liberal Party.

NO MORE CROWE CALLS

Sesame Street’s executive producer has said that Russell Crowe won’t be on the show as he’s a bad role model. But they are thinking of introducing an aggressive new Muppet called Russell the Crow.

Sesame Street’s executive producer has said that Russell Crowe won’t be on the show as he’s a bad role model. But kids with ADD and Tourette’s need role models too!

BLOODY HELL

The Poms have changed their minds about showing our “Where the bloody hell are you?” ads on TV. Although they’ve changed it to “Where the bloomin’ heck are you?” / “Where the ruddy heck are you? I can’t see through all this damnable fog.” / “Where the flying tram are you?” / “We’re in bloody hell” / “Come backpacking in Australia – where the bloody hell is you!” / “Ha ha, we’ve got the Ashes.”

The Poms have changed their minds about showing our “Where the bloody hell are you?” ads on TV. Tourism Minister Fran Bailey said it was a “bloody good decision”, and that it was “about time the fuckers changed their shitty laws”.

AMBASSADOR AND BONES

The US finally picks a new Ambassador to Australia, a fellow member with George Bush of the secret Skull & Bones society back in his Yale days. They would have appointed him sooner, but he was busy orchestrating the New World Order with the Freemasons and the Interdimensional Reptiles.

The US picks a new Ambassador to Australia, a close friend of Dubya with no foreign policy experience. Just like the previous one. That’s not a joke, by the way. That’s just US foreign policy.

So we’ve got an ambassador who went to uni with Dubya. Great. Apparently they met in “Pronouncing the word ‘Nuclear’ 101″…

DR RICE I PRESUME

Condi Rice visited Australia and met US soldiers doing routine operations. I hope their routine in Australia isn’t like the way they’re roo-tin’ Afghanistan and roo-tin’ Iraq.

Condi said “Once again Australia and America are fighting shoulder-to-shoulder.” They really need wider tanks. Or narrower shoulders.

Condi said “Once again Australia and America are fighting shoulder-to-shoulder.” Yeah, they’re testing out new shoulder-to-shoulder missiles.

Condi Rice: “Abu Ghraib is a disgrace. What happened there made me sick to my stomach. It was never supposed to be photographed!”

Daily Telegraph columnist Piers Ackerman charged a group of protestors at Sydney Uni’s speech by Condi Rice. He is said to be afraid that they might have had “hippy germs”.

Five protestors at Condi Rice’s University of Sydney speech were arrested for hindering police, including one girl on crutches. Apparently she wouldn’t stop falling on them. / She was arrested after police found that kneecapping her wasn’t doing any good.

MR. 18%

Kim Beazley is using Howard as his inspiration, saying if John could turn around an 18% approval rating to become PM, so can he. “All I need to do is create a climate of fear based on racist lies, and bush up my eyebrows!”

Kim Beazley is using Howard as his inspiration, saying if John could turn around an 18% approval rating to become PM, so can he. Don’t forget the tracksuit, Kim.

AWB

Australia’s spies knew 8 years ago that AWB was paying kickbacks to a trucking company owned by Saddam’s regime. It was a military dictatorship! Who else was going to own it, Linsday Fox?

INDIGERIDOO

As John Howard says education is a key issue in improving the living standards of indigenous people, a report has revealed only $83m of the govt.’s allocation of $225m has actually been spent. “We’re doing them a favour by withholding the money. They’d just spend it on petrol and boomerangs.”

“Honestly, I thought they’d all be dead by now.”

FLYING DUCKS

The major talking point after the Commonwealth Games Opening Ceremony was a duck and a flying tram. Although it’s rude to call the Queen a duck. And Prince Phillip isn’t really much like a flying tram, come to think of it.

More than half of Australia’s televisions were tuned in to the Commonwealth Games Opening Ceremony at this time last week. So we might as well just do last week’s show again tonight.

REPUBLICANS

Some republicans are foaming at the mouth again at the thought of getting rid of the monarchy. While the monarchy are quite happy to get rid of foamy-mouthed republicans.

STEALTHS

US plane manufacturer threatens to sue Australia if we don’t go through with buying 100 dodgy stealth bombers for $15 billion. Gee, I’m glad we’re their allies.

SHUTDOWN PARODY

A John Howard parody website was mysteriously shut down last week. The website’s author, Richard Neville, said (SCREEN CLICKS TO STATIC). Corinne Grant!

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