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Good News Week

Aussies have the best interest rates (GNW 12/10/09: 7 Days in 7 Seconds)

Australia has become the world’s first major economy to lift interest rates since the financial crisis. Another 16 rate rises and we’ll be fully recovered!

Australia has become the world’s first major economy to lift interest rates since the financial crisis. We don’t care if it’s good or bad – we just wanna be first. GOLD FOR AUSTRALIA! AUSSIE AUSSIE AUSSIE!

A $300,000 home loan is now $45 per month more expensive. But the government gave you loads of money, so you should surely be down to $299,000 by now.

A $300,000 home loan is now $45 per month more expensive. And, because of rising house prices, you’ll need to borrow more from the banks just to get a home. See the beauty of economics? / I get it now – “financial crisis” actually means “good for people, bad for banks”.

The Opposition says that the Government’s reckless spending has put upward pressure on interest rates. Yes, all that reckless recovering of the economy.

The Opposition says that the Government’s spending spree has been completely reckless, and contend that if they were in charge, things would be thoroughly recked. / The Opposition say they wouldn’t be reckless; they’d make sure we had a reck.

The government’s spending spree has now resulted in the average mortgage going up by $45 a month, with more rises expected in coming months. Although mortgage-holders wanting to put downward pressure on rates could send their 900 bucks back to the government.

See! Interest rates WILL always be lower under a Coalition government! Absurdly, dangerously lower!

The Coalition say they won’t be happy unless interest rates remain lower than Malcolm Turnbull’s approval rating.

Interest rates are on the way up. So it’s time to sell your house and buy a bank. (I think American ones are still going cheap.)

The economy’s improving, so we have to pay more for our home loans. The Aussie dollar is now worth more against the American dollar, and this is a bad thing for exporters. Why do I feel like the economy lives in BIZARRO WORLD?

The economy’s improving, so they hike up our mortgage repayments. I think I liked it better in the recession. / Why don’t we just pretend we’re still in a recession? Shh! The world will never know!

The increase will add 45 dollars a month to a 300,000 dollar mortgage. Imagine how much it’ll add to a million dollar loan! Those poor poor rich people.

The increase will add 45 dollars a month to a 300,000 dollar mortgage. That’s one less lobster for the bisque, you know.

The Aussie dollar is now worth more against the American dollar. Not financially, just morally.

It was either raise interest rates, or drown another sack of puppies.

The Reserve Bank had to raise interest rates. It’s the only thing that stops them killing again.

Wall Street shares immediately recovered on the interest rate rise announcement. After all, they don’t have Aussie mortgages to pay off. / They were happy to know that their houses are now even cheaper than ours.

And after they raise interest rates, they going to look into seeing if there’s some way they can rub salt into our wounds. / kick us while we’re down.

Interest rates this, interest rates that. Blah. Personally, I think they should call them Boredom Rates.

By Wok and Mat

Warwick Holt and Mat Blackwell are long-time writing partners, who created the mega-award winning web series Bruce, and wrote loads of jokes for TV shows including Good News Week, The Sideshow and The Glass House. Several years of their raw material for those shows is posted right here on this blog.

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