Aussie Men World’s 7th Best Rootrats (GNW 12/10/09: monologue)

According to a new survey, Spanish men are the best in bed. Well, there’s nothing else to do there. / Well, no wonder – the bastards get a siesta.

Australian blokes came 7th. Which is preferable to coming first.

I’m glad we’re only 7th. It’s just rude to come first.

In a survey of women’s sexual experiences worldwide, Spanish men came first. So it’s surprising they rated so high.

It was an extensive survey, involving 15,000 women and 20 countries. You should’ve seen the size of the wet spot!

The women surveyed got to rank men from 20 countries. So the only women who really knew what they were talking about were globetrotting skanks. (Or as we know her, “Paris Hilton”.)

Of course, if you’re having sex with multiple partners from 20 different countries, you may not be the best person to ask about who’s good in bed. Clearly, you’re not that fussy.

Luckily for our national pride, we are better lovers than New Zealanders. Although the survey was just asking the opinions of HUMAN females.

Aussie blokes have come seventh out of 20 in a global poll to see which country’s men are the best lovers. We were looking like coming in at number five, until a last minute case of brewer’s droop.

Spaniards are #1. Looks like they’ve got their chicks satisfied. Or just ignorant and scared.

So if us Aussie blokes want to measure up in the bed, we’d better start throwing some tomatoes at bulls.

Then again, they also risk their lives in numerous ways against giant horned bovines. So, really, I’m happy to hang back at number 7.

And the only thing more manly than Spanish men are Spanish bulls.

Brazilian men were the second best lovers. Which is why they can convince their women to shave.

At the same time as we’re on top of Canadian and New Zealander men, we’re underneath Brazilians and Italians. It’s called the “Paris Hilton” position.

We were at number 7, ahead of New Zealand, Denmark, and Canada at 8, 9, and 10. So whenever I’m in the boudoir, I pretend I’m from Canada. That way, they’re always pleasantly surprised.

Even Irish men were above us. Who’s joking now?

Irishmen are better lovers than us! Looks like Paddy n’ Mick have adequate dick.

The survey asked women from 20 countries to rate nations on their talent in the bedroom and explain their reasons. So in large part it’s a survey to confirm the prejudices that everyone already had.

The survey asked women from 20 countries to rate nations on their talent in the bedroom and explain their reasons. Of course most women didn’t have experience of sex with men from all 20 countries, so they based their votes on the results of the last survey.

The countries with the worst lovers were Germany (too smelly), England (too lazy) and Sweden (too much Abba).

While Spanish men were voted number one, Germans came last due to their poor hygiene. They ought to cover themselves in the musky aroma of tomato and bull.

Germans rate last for being too smelly, and yet Spaniards rate first? I think it must be bulldust. / bullshit.

German lovers were deemed the worst, due to being so smelly. In fact it was probably DUE to all the wurst.

German men’s love for wurst made their lovewurst worst. / their lovewurst burst worst.

German men came last on the list, apparently for being “too smelly”. But only to chicks who didn’t like eating faeces. / But only to partners not into coprophilia. / However, they rated highly on the list with women into eating faeces.

Germans came last due to their poor hygiene. They’ve really let things slip since they dropped the uniforms.

So if you’re a bit unsure about your lovemaking, seek out a German girl. Coz they’re gaggin’ for it. / Coz they’re hangin for a decent root. / Odds are, you’ll be the best they’ve ever had!

Aussie men could climb higher on the list, if they gave a shit.

How could the Spanish, French and Italians be better than us? I bet they don’t even light their farts afterwards!

Men from Bhutan are pissed off. They weren’t even on the list, yet they root like wild stallions.

Aussie men aren’t as good as Italians or the Spanish, huh? Spanish ladies – here and now! Let’s straighten this thing out – and I’m not just talking about the survey results. Eh? EH?

Leave a Reply