Ruddy War-Room (GNW 12/10/09: monologue)

Kevin Rudd’s getting himself a hi-tech war-room! The 34.9 million dollar room will feature up-to-date intelligence, communications, mapping technology, and a direct line to Obama’s phone, so he has someone who can tell him what to do. / someone to listen to his panicked sobbing.

Kevin Rudd has installed a hi-tech “war room” close by his office. Because if there’s a war to be held, he’s sure not going over to the other side of the building.

Its official title is the “Parliament House Briefing Room”, but he prefers to call it “The GalactoThrone of Infinite Power”. / “The Fortress of Solitude”. / “The Thunderdome”. / “Castle Ruddskull”.

Rudd says that if he can get his own war room, he’ll finally have somewhere impressive to meet with Obama, Clinton or strippers.

He’s even installed “the button”. It doesn’t actually do anything, but don’t tell him that…

He’s even installed “the button”. Although, granted, all it does is call up Obama and burst into tears.

The special war room is also impervious to any sort of attack, as long as it’s not nuclear, chemical, explosive, or in any way dangerous.

The room will be an impenetrable fortress. It’s where he’s going to hide all the ideas from the 20/20 Summit, so no-one will ever find them.

The room will be an impenetrable fortress, unless you’re from the Rebels bikie gang, in which case you should be able to dress up as a plumber and just walk in.

It’s like a panic room with swearing!

In times of non-emergency, the room will double as somewhere Rudd can freely swear at underlings.

The “Parliament House Briefing Room” will be equipped with all the latest computers and technology for Rudd to hide under.

It will also be the perfect place to plot a response to any future economic crisis created by frittering away 35 million bucks on a war room.

The crisis centre was announced as Samoa and Sumatra were being rocked by earthquakes, or as Rudd describes them, “tragic, calamitous excuses for a war room”.

Is it Kevin07? Or Dr Strangerudd?

The room includes a cool computer graphics table and a REALLY big map!

The war room means that in the case of war, terrorist attack or natural disaster, Rudd can quickly and efficiently deal with the cover-up. / media attention. / interviews.

Yes! Rudd’s war room! A place where Kev can quickly and efficiently look like he’s doing something!

The room includes the latest communications and mapping technology, and the absolute finest in grooming and hairdressing. / and a spot where he can get a really natty haircut for the cameras.

And for really bad disasters, it’s got a little corner he can cry in. / an escape pod to a distant galaxy!

Rudd’s getting himself 34.9 million dollar war room added to Parliament House. Meanwhile, Iraqi families are lucky to have a room at all. / Of course, if he was actually IN the war, he’d be lucky to even have a room.

Rudd’s getting himself 34.9 million dollar war room. No matter which government’s in power, they’ve always got room for war.

He’s spending 34.9 million dollars setting up a “war room”. And, once he’s finished that, he’s thinking about setting up a “peace room”, an “education and health room”, and maybe even a “spending our taxes on something that might benefit society room”.

Interestingly John Howard didn’t need a war room, even while he was declaring war.

Malcolm Turnbull’s also set up a war room, to protect himself from his party.

Malcolm Turnbull, on the other hand, has set up a “peace room”, hoping there’s somewhere he can get some peace.

Leave a Reply