Good Next Week (GNW 19/10/09: closing)

Tuesday, October 20
Federal parliament resumes, with the ETS top of the agenda, unless something else comes along in the meantime that they can kick Turnbull with.

Dannii Minogue will turn 38, and send Kylie a card saying “Still no cancer!”

Dannii Minogue will turn 38! But I’d still flip her over and bone her. (And pretend it’s Kylie.)

Wednesday, October 21
Qantas will hold its annual general meeting, where shareholders will vote for the next CEO to take their money and run.

In Brisbane, Fosters will hold its annual general meeting. Whoever skulls a yard is the new CEO!

In Brisbane, Fosters will hold its annual general meeting, where they will create a new head of the company, just by shaking the company up before they open it.

In Canberra, the inquiry into the future of fuel & energy will report, finding that we can generate an excellent baseload supply simply by juicing humans.

On Wednesday, the inquiry into the future of fuel & energy will report in Canberra. Apparently the future is mostly run on straw and oats. Because instead of cars we’ll all be riding around on horseback.

In Ohio, Wednesday sees the Circleville Pumpkin Show, the oldest & largest pumpkin show in the world, gets off to a terrible start when the a pumpkin is cut open to reveal a dead Cinderella, crushed like an aluminium can.

In Perth, ecologist Professor Richard Hobbs will speak on climate optimism. He’s encouraging us all to think of the year-round barbies.

In Perth, ecologist Professor Richard Hobbs will speak on climate optimism. To an audience of Andrew Bolt, Piers Ackerman, and a pterodactyl.

Thursday, October 22
Melbourne will host the Australian Soccer Hall Of Fame luncheon. So that’ll be Maradonna… um… oh, and Beckham.

In Perth, it’s the Long Distance Triathlon World Championships. And triathlonning around the entire world sure is long distance.

In Perth, it’s the Long Distance Triathlon World Championships. And just a tip, going against the rotation of the Earth will get you back to Perth quicker.

The Gold Coast will host the national conference of the Australian Lawyers Alliance, if their lawyers allow them to.

The national conference of the Australian Lawyers Alliance will be held up by an injunction, a series of appeals and a mistrial.

On the Gold Coast, it’s the Grand Final of Miss SuperGP – check out those spark plugs!

On Tuesday, the latest instalment of the horror movie franchise “Saw VI”, will be released. This one’s a musical comedy!

The latest instalment of the horror movie franchise “Saw VI”, will be released. I’m getting the hang of them by now – I reckon Jigsaw did it.

The latest instalment of the horror movie franchise “Saw VI”, will be released. Number six! No wonder he’s saw.

The ANZ bank will announce its full-year results. The falcon hasn’t worked as well as they’d hoped.

Professor Ross Garnaut will be at the Brisbane Institute. So if anyone has any financial impacts of climate change studies happening, he’d love to hear from you.

Friday, October 23
Next weekend is Brisbane’s largest street festival, Valley Fiesta. Unfortunately failure to clean up afterwards will result in a Valley Fester.

Network Ten will announce its full-year results, at a function known as “Blame Canada”.

Network Ten will announce its full-year results – apparently, we’re still on the air!

On the Gold Coast, it’s the SuperGP Gala Ball. The food’s all been carefully cooked in 100% virgin motor oil.

Saturday, October 24
In Sydney, it’s the Australasian Natural Bodybuilding Championships, where we see the best naturally-built bodies, without resorting to steroids, weights or effort.

On Saturday, it’s the Australasian Natural Bodybuilding Championships in Sydney. BYO body parts.

Saturday is 80 years since the Great Wall St. Crash. Pretty much just in time for the next one… / Don’t blow out your candles all at once – you may be needing them to see.

It’ll be 80 years since the Great Wall St. Crash. And it seems like only yesterday!

It’ll be 80 years since the Great Wall St. Crash. C‘mon people – we can make a crash greater than that one!

The SpongeBob Squarepants “Think Happy” tour will hit Sydney. And if you’re not thinking happy enough, some merchandise should fix that!

Sunday, October 25
In Darwin, it’s the 2009 World Solar Challenge – find another sun with an inhabitable planet, quick!

In Darwin on Sunday, it’s the 2009 World Solar Challenge. Of course, up in Darwin, it’s not really much of a challenge. You want a Solar Challenge? HOLD IT IN MELBOURNE!

It’s the Brisbane Zombie Walk, an undead-themed tour of the CBD to raise money for the Brain Foundation. Although be warned, it is so they can EAT THEM.

It’s the Brisbane Zombie Walk, an undead-themed tour of the CBD to raise money for the Brain Foundation. The Brain Foundation’s kinda like the Blood Bank, except you don’t get a bikkie when you’re done.

It’s the Brisbane Zombie Walk, an undead-themed tour of the CBD to raise money for the Brain Foundation. Anything to get a decent feed.

It’s the Brisbane Zombie Walk, an undead-themed tour of the CBD to raise money for the Brain Foundation, and to wreak bloody havoc amongst the living.

Hobart will host the Bus Industry Confederation conference on Sunday. The back rows will be lit with blue fluorescent lights to stop junkies shooting up.

Hobart will host the Bus Industry Confederation conference on Sunday. It’ll start 2 hours late, and when it does eventually begin, it’ll end up being the wrong conference.

Sydney will grind to a halt as thousands of people enjoy Breakfast On The Bridge. And hundreds more below them endure Shake The Crumbs Out Of Your Hair Sunday.

Sunday’s Breakfast On The Bridge will go horribly wrong when Kevin Rudd is served the wrong kind of bread. / when Kevin Rudd’s egg isn’t sunnyside up.

Sydney will grind to a halt as thousands of people enjoy Breakfast On The Bridge, or as the hungry participants think of it, “The Giant Croissant”.

Monday, October 26
Next Monday’s Pink Ribbon Day will go so well that it’s followed by Brown Bow Tuesday, Orange Suspenders Week, and the Month of Black Spats.

Monday is Pink Ribbon Day. Pink may finally be strung up on a ribbon and run out of town.

Brisbane will host the Public Relations national conference. The perfect event if you like to have relations in public.

Brisbane will host the Public Relations national conference. No farting.

Brisbane will also host the Qld. Power & Gas conference. You can probably fart there.

Next Monday, Brisbane will host the Qld. Power & Gas conference. Queensland Power is a bit like White Power – it’s old, tired, and weak as piss.

In London, it’s the Q Music Awards, where there’ll be plenty of Q’s, but not an A in sight.

The Gold Coast will host the Carbon Market Expo. Look for the place that isn’t selling T-shirts or alcohol.

The Gold Coast will host the Carbon Market Expo – it’s the place to be if you want special discounts on all your favourite brands of carbon. / it’s the place to be if you want to get your carbon direct from the source.

In Canberra, the inquiry into the Telecommunications Competition Bill will report. Apparently the Telecommunications Competition would be a lot more fun if it had a prize. / if it incorporated some sort of mystery sound element.

In Canberra, the inquiry into the Telecommunications Competition Bill will report, and you’ll be able to see it on Foxtel, while on the other pay-TV network… oh.

In Canberra, the inquiry into the impact of mining the Murray Basin will report. Apparently it used to contain some water. / They’ll find they should have pulled the plug before beginning.

In Canberra, the inquiry into the impact of mining the Murray Basin will report. Apparently, the impact will be a BLOODY BIG HOLE.

Monday is Keith Urban’s 42nd birthday. He’ll celebrate with 19 bottles of champagne.

Next Monday, Keith Urban will turn 42. His liver will turn 108.

Next Monday, Hillary Clinton will turn 62. For her birthday, she’s going to get Sarah Palin jumping out of a cake.

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